Sunday Funnies

Friday May 31 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There’s a new movie out today. It doesn’t have superheroes or spaceships or Vin Diesels, which means that no one will go see it.

The new movie is called “Now You See Me,” and it’s about everyone’s favorite subject, magic. That is a phrase often used by magicians. Along with “hocus pocus” and “abracadabra” and “hey, why is everyone leaving?”

It’s not that difficult to be a magician. All you need is a cape, a top hat, and a willingness to sell your soul to Satan in exchange for mystical powers.

And by “mystical powers,” I mean an endless stream of colorful handkerchiefs.

Magic’s changed over the years. I used to like the old-school magicians. I don’t like the modern-day magicians who just do really lame stunts. David Blaine says “I’m going to hold my breath for 17 days.” That’s not magic, that’s a cure for hiccups.

Monday Jun 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What’s next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?

President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?

This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.

In Pakistan, the Taliban’s No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s No. 3 man said he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Conan

This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, “I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday.”

A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.

CNN is denying rumors that it’s phasing out Wolf Blitzer. In fact, according to Larry King, Wolf has a good 70 years left. That kid’s just getting started.

Late Show with David Letterman

New York City always has something going on. And you know what it is right now? The bike-sharing program. You get on a bike, you ride it, and then a half hour later you pass it to somebody else. And if you’re lucky, you won’t need antibiotics.

Kim Kardashian is having a baby, and they announced that it was a baby girl, and they made the announcement on their reality show. The Kardashians are now pleading with the public to respect their never-ending pursuit of self-promotion.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Disneyland has raised the price of admission to $92. That’s a lot of money. Maybe they’ll use it to buy Donald Duck some pants.

A man in California received 11 pounds of marijuana in the mail by mistake. At least he did the right thing. He called the police and told them someone accidentally mailed him five pounds of marijuana.

The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Starbucks is now banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It will get even worse for smokers once they realize every Starbucks is about 25 feet from another Starbucks.

During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.

Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, “Yes. I mean, no.”

A new study found that drinking soda is just as bad for your teeth as using meth. However, soda is still less likely to make you live under a bridge with a guy named Snake.

Tuesday Jun 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

More problems for the IRS. Isn’t that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else’s life miserable? Start with that!

IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, “I’m going to stay, and I want my money.” And you wonder why we’re $16 trillion in debt.

Did you watch “Game of Thrones” on Sunday? The show ended with a huge massacre. That’s two massacres I saw this week, if you count the Heat-Pacers game.

Convicted killer Joran van der Sloot is engaged and will get married in a prison in Peru. I’ve got a better idea. Cancel that wedding. Let’s fix him up with Jodi Arias, have them go on a date, and let nature take its course.

Conan

A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to “be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.”

Disney is coming under fire for raising the price of admission to Disneyland to $92. Even worse, it now costs you $350 just to get out of “It’s a Small World.”

A frozen berry mix has been recalled after giving 34 people in different states hepatitis A. Also not helping is that the berries used to go out with Michael Douglas.

Late Show with David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg now says he’s outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings — all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You’re going to do hard time.

I was in a bit of a shakedown coming to work today. I had my giant drink. The cops got a hold of me and they said, “Hey, what’s that?” I said, “Hey, let me tell you something. This happens to be my medicinal Mountain Dew.”

Dunkin’ Donuts will start putting bacon on a glazed doughnut. Every sandwich comes with a coupon for bypass surgery.

We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They’ve been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, “Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can’t enjoy yourselves, if you can’t every now and then pat yourself on the back?”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Mama Kardashian, Kris Jenner, is getting her own talk show. These days they’ll give anyone a talk show. Kris says her new talk show will be “sophisticated and glamorous.” Then she added, “Who wants to buy my daughter’s sex tape for $40?”

There is a new book out today called “Joyland,” by Stephen King. When he started out, critics didn’t like his books. Over time things changed. Just like with this show, minus the part about things changing.

King’s new book, “Joyland,” takes place in a creepy old amusement park. It’s about a carny. Now carnies are terrifying, except Carnie Wilson, who’s adorable, with or without stomach staples.

Stephen King’s already working on his next book. He says it’s a fantasy set in a desolate, empty environment. So I’m thinking maybe a theater that’s showing the new Will Smith movie.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Tiger Woods is about to sign another big endorsement deal with Nike. Tiger already has more money than he could ever spend. He’s excited about this deal in particular because it brings him something he doesn’t have, which is even more money.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are expecting a baby girl. Finally a girl Kardashian.

The baby news was revealed Sunday night on “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” Do you remember when Kim said she wanted to become a more private person? That was funny.

When the Kardashian baby is born, legally it belongs to Ryan Seacrest. They have to hand it over to him. He’s the producer of her show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Disney World is raising the price of its tickets, which means that a family of four will now pay almost $400 to visit the park for one day. This explains that new vacation plan: buying an adult Mickey Mouse costume and taking your kids to Six Flags.

A family has to pay $400 for Disney World for one day. Parents will be like, “All right, kids, mom and dad are going to Fantasy Land. You guys stay here in Motel Land.”

It’s $400, but it’s all worth it to spend a day in the hot Florida sun waiting for your kid to throw up in the teacups.

Wednesday Jun 05 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.

The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, “Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts.”

President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the First Amendment.

A new study says 20 percent of women in their 40s would describe themselves as very happy. However, only 1 percent of women in their 40s would describe themselves as a woman in her 40s.

Conan

An 84-year-old woman from Florida has come forward as the winner of the $590 million Powerball lottery. The 84-year-old would have come out sooner, but the last two weeks she has been driving home from the store where she bought the ticket.

Google has banned a pornography app for its new Google Glass. A Google spokesman said, “We’re a principled company. If you want to look at smut and filth, you’ll just have to look at our website.”

Domino’s Pizza has released a YouTube video of the company delivering pizza by a drone. This is shocking — showing something that kills innocent civilians every day getting delivered by a drone.

Late Show with David Letterman

Domino’s Pizza leads the way in delivering pizzas. Guess what they’re now using? Drones! Unmanned drones delivering your pizza pie — what could possibly go wrong?

When I used to order a pizza it would come in an old Toyota. The guy showing up would be an undocumented guy in a Toyota. What was wrong with that?

Today the air space over New York City was closed for four hours. It was because on the radar they picked up one of those pizza drones headed to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s house. They scrambled some fighter jets.

More black eyes for baseball due to performance-enhancing drugs. Guys would go to an anti-aging clinic in Florida and get juiced up and then come back and play baseball. Among these players is Alex Rodriguez, who could be suspended for 100 games. A-Rod was accused, singled out. Out of habit, Lance Armstrong issued a denial.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Did you see the country music awards earlier tonight? I haven’t seen them yet because we’re live. So don’t tell me if the guy with the hat and big belt buckle won. He is my favorite, especially when he sings that song about things going wrong.

The country music awards gave a lifetime achievement award to whiskey for contributions to country music.

At the country music awards, no one goes home empty-handed. The winners get trophies. The losers have something to write their next song about.

There were rumors that Taylor Swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking — like a stable relationship.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Major League Baseball is planning to suspend 20 players, including A-Rod, for using performance-enhancing drugs. Which raises a lot of questions, like, “Don’t you have to be playing to be suspended from playing?”

Google announced that it is buying a wind farm in Sweden. And not to be outdone, Bing is buying an oscillating fan off of Craigslist.

The price of courtside tickets at tomorrow’s NBA Finals is $17,000. Or as LeBron’s teammates put it, “We get to watch it for free!”

Thursday Jun 06 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here’s the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.

When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn’t either. Sometimes it just happens.

A judge has finalized the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce — thus clearing the way for Kim to become an unwed mother. Kim revealed she’s having a baby girl. If you’re looking to get her a gift, we could all chip in and pay for her next 20 years of therapy.

Conan

The 84-year-old woman who won the half-billion-dollar Powerball lottery asked for it to be given in a lump sum. Then she said, “Actually, can I get that in the next hour?”

It’s come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, “The friends and family and Obama plan.”

Toyota has recalled over 200,000 Priuses. Apparently there was a problem with the engine that prevented the drivers from acting smug.

A rapper has been arrested for allegedly stabbing an NFL player. The rapper’s being charged with impersonating an NFL player.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s not a good day if you value your privacy, which of course I do because I do this show.

This is a great way to keep yourself nice and private — being on CBS in the middle of the night.

The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It’s a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama’s IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, “rough week, huh?”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, “You hang up first.” Then my wife said, “No, YOU hang up first!” Then Obama said, “Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?”

The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon’s new ad campaign: “They can hear you now.”

Action star Steven Seagal is close to signing a deal to promote Russia’s arms industry. Or in simpler terms, Steven Seagal has become a villain from a Steven Seagal movie.

Steven Seagal will promote Russia’s arms industry. In fact, Seagal has a lot in common with Russia: He’s big, intimidating, and something America hasn’t thought about since the ’80s.

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JAY LENO: Well, let’s see what’s going on. Hey, Snoop is back in the news. Not Snoop Dogg, Snoop Obama. Yeah, Snoop Obama. A big change at the White House today. They closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store. Yeah.

Well, this has become a huge controversy after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records, and of course this has caused a panic among civil libertarians, constitutional scholars and cheating husbands everywhere. Oh my God.

How ironic is that? We wanted a president that listens to all Americans – now we have one. Yeah.

Actually, President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. The president said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS isn’t about targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about!

I mean what’s going on? The White House has looked into our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our e-mails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen? When did that happen? When did that happen?

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