Sunday Funnies

Monday May 27 2013

It is Memorial Day, when we honor men and women who’ve defended this country. To them I say thank you. And every year we as Americans celebrate Memorial Day the best way we know how. By having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships.

A lot of Americans got a three-day weekend. Not this American. I’ve been a citizen for five years. How long before I get the day off?

The only way I can get a day off is if I somehow pre-taped a show. But I just wouldn’t do that.

You know who gets the day off? Jay Leno. He’s about to get a lot of days off.

I probably shouldn’t joke about that. Jay Leno might end up hosting this show.

Tuesday May 28 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over Memorial Day weekend, “Fast & Furious 6” made a patrillion dollars. The star of these movies is Vin Diesel. In the new movie, Vin and his crew come out of retirement for “one last job.” Which, if I’m not mistaken, is what they did in the last two movies. And probably the next two as well.

“Fast & Furious 6” also stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Between The Rock and Vin Diesel, you know the dialogue will be sensational.

The producers said today they are going to start filming “Fast & Furious 7” only when the script is just right. No, that is a joke. Come on! They filmed it already. They did it on an iPhone over the weekend.

I wonder who’ll play the bad guy in part 7? I think Jason Statham. He is the perfect tough guy. He’s so tough he can beat you up with his thoughts.

Jason Statham just looks at you, and you’re toast. In fact, that’s how Jason Statham makes toast.

Wednesday May 29 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It was announced today that Larry King is going to be hosting a new talk show in Russia. The guests will be speaking Russian and Larry will be speaking whatever language it is that he speaks.

Today is the 60th anniversary of the first two men climbing Mount Everest: Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. Everest is the world’s tallest mountain at 29,000 feet. That’s really high. How high is it? It’s as high as the mayor of Toronto.

Everest is as high as Willie Nelson at a Snoop Dogg concert.

Historians say Edmund Hillary was the toughest dude ever named Hillary. Unless you count Hillary Clinton.

The top of Mount Everest is called the death zone. If you stay there, your body doesn’t get enough oxygen. You can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like you’re dying while still being conscious. There’s a similar place in California. It’s called Los Angeles.

Thursday May 30 2013

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tonight was the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. The finals were broadcast on ESPN. You’d think something like this would be on The Learning Channel.

Then again, you’d think The Learning Channel wouldn’t show “Honey Boo Boo.”

Now that there’s spell-check, some people think spelling is of little use. It’s one of those skills that’s become obsolete, like repairing steam engines or hosting a broadcast talk show.

The winner of the spelling bee gets $30,000 in cash. I can’t imagine what I’d have spent that kind of money on when I was 14.

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