Sunday Funnies

Friday May 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama was down in Texas on his “Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.” Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the “Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.”

While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to “Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi.”

Sunday is, of course, Mother’s Day, or as Kobe Bryant calls it, “April Fools’ Day.”

Kobe Bryant is suing his mother over sports memorabilia of his that she’s selling to raise money. He claims she stole his stuff and she’s going to sell it. Now the mom is countersuing. She wants a full refund on her Lakers season tickets.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.

They’re predicting a trillion cicadas for the northeastern part of the United States. They haven’t been here in 17 years. When they got to New York City, they saw Yankee Stadium and the first thing they said was, “Wow, Mariano Rivera is still pitching!”

Minnesota is legalizing gay marriage. Unfortunately, there are no gays in Minnesota.

Next, Minnesota is going to legalize the Tony Awards.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big movie out today: “The Great Gatsby.” Leonardo DiCaprio is a billionaire who can have any woman he wants, yet he never seems happy. I don’t know who he plays in the movie.

“The Great Gatsby” is based on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel. I was surprised when I saw that it’s in 3-D. I guess they wanted Fitzgerald’s sardonic critique of materialism to come right at you.

They should have jazzed up the movie’s title as well. They should have called it something like “2 Fast 2 Gatsby.”

The movie has marketing tie-ins everywhere. Brooks Brothers has “Gatsby suits.” The Plaza Hotel in New York is opening a “Fitzgerald suite.” I think that is lovely. A room named after an alcoholic with tuberculosis who drove his wife mad before dying in his 40s. I want to stay in that room!

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, “Uh — the ‘Iron Man’ sequel sector?”

Whole Foods is apologizing for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. So if you’re a vegan who mistakenly ate one of the salads, that’s why it was so delicious.

A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber. It gets even worse when you hear that they polled only 54 percent of Americans.

Monday May 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I’ll have somebody to hang out with next year.

A Tampa taco restaurant has pulled lion meat tacos from the menu due to protests from animal rights activists. However, lions announced today they will continue eating humans whenever they get the chance.

Late Show with David Letterman

Barbara Walters is retiring. It was her own decision. She was not forced out, like Regis.

ABC is already looking for a woman named Jimmy to fill Barbara Walters’ shoes.

O.J. Simpson is back in court today. He’s trying to get himself a new trial. He was tossed into prison for a long time for stealing his own sports memorabilia. Double homicide, nothing. Stealing sports memorabilia, 30 years to life.

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, “Look, O.J., we’ve been through this before. It’s a long shot. And O.J. said, “You know what? I think I’ll take a stab at it.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s an emotional day at “The View.” Barbara Walters told her cast mates she is going to retire. The women were crying, shrieking, and talking over each other. Then Barbara announced she is going to retire.

It was a very hot day here in L.A. It was so hot that “The Tonight Show” moved to New York just for the weather.

It was so hot that people in Beverly Hills actually drank tap water.

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.”

Wildlife experts are warning that giant, disease-carrying snails have been found in Texas. So if you see one, make sure you immediately saunter away from it at whatever speed you like.

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns.

Tuesday May 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with.

OJ Simpson is back in court. He’s gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.

Remember: If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big novel out today. If you don’t know, a novel is like a blog except it is on paper and it’s all stuff that’s made up. It’s like CNN but it’s written down.

The novel is called “Inferno.” In “Inferno” it turns out that the epic poem “Dante’s Inferno” is a set of clues. In “Dante’s Inferno,” Satan isn’t red and he doesn’t have a tail or pitchfork. But that makes sense. Why does Satan need a pitchfork? Is he doing a lot of farming down there?

The classic red-pitchfork devil didn’t appear until the 17th century, in John Milton’s “Paradise Lost.” I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, here we go. Another late-night talk show host going on about Elizabethan poets.”

Didn’t Jay Leno get fired for doing that bit about Milton’s “Epitaphium Damonis”?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, “We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter.

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team’s long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads.

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, “Eh, it’s not the end of the world.”

Wednesday May 15 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?”

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.”

Conan

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made.

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.”

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China.

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign.

People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman.

Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who’s anyone in show business is in France right now. “But Craig, you’re here in Los Angeles.” Exactly. I’m lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber’s monkey.

The Germans are like, “No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany.

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

One of the people on the jury this year is Nicole Kidman. She is letting them screen the movies on her forehead.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll have even have “Dancing With the Stars” by then.

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them.

He’s hoping if he’s granting a retrial they’ll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?”

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.”

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house.

Thursday May 16 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.

President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they’re called “acting commissioner” because you have to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.

A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter.

It has not been a good week for President Obama. You’ve got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.

Conan

Chinese authorities recently arrested over 900 people for selling counterfeit mink. China warned the U.S. that the meat’s being sold under the name “Arby’s.”

JC Penny has a new ad out. It thanks customers for coming back to them. And then the customers explained they’re coming back to return crap from JC Penny.

Earlier this week it was announced that Barbara Walters is stepping down. Footage just surfaced from 1962 of the young Barbara as an undercover Playboy Bunny. You can tell it was Barbara because she keeps asking men if they want their drink “on the wocks.”

According to a new survey, 42 percent of Americans have an unfavorable view of hipsters. When they heard this, hipsters said, “Big deal, we had an unfavorable view of ourselves way before you.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner.

I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference.

That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice.

You can now get breakfast at Taco Bell. They have a breakfast waffle taco. You get your scrambled egg, and your sausage covered with maple syrup, all wrapped in a waffle taco. And it also comes with lap-band surgery.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It’s Bernie Madoff.

“American Idol” is in trouble in the ratings these days. They are down 40 percent since last year. This season, “American Idol” was beaten by “Duck Dynasty” in the ratings. You know, the show with two dudes sitting in a tree saying, “That a duck?” “No, looks more like a quail.”

“Duck Dynasty” is like “Honey Boo Boo” if you replaced the little girl with a duck.

I wonder who they will get to judge “American Idol” next year? Probably people once at the top of their fields, but now with a lot of time on their hands. So maybe the old Pope. I think Pope Classic and Jay Leno would be good judges.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A 7-year-old boy wrote a letter to the vice president. He wrote: “I think guns should shoot chocolate bullets so no one will get killed and no one will be sad.” Guns that shoot chocolate bullets would be a great way to liven up an Easter egg hunt, wouldn’t it?

The sad part is that’s the first letter Joe Biden has received since he took office.

Tonight is the much-anticipated release of the new “Star Trek” movie. It’s expected to make $100 million this weekend. That’s a lot, but imagine how much it would make if the people buying tickets were going with dates.

Most “Star Trek” fans are men, or a reasonable facsimile.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the finale of the lowest-rated season in “American Idol” history. You could tell the show was in trouble when they said, “The winner is what’s-her-face.”

Eagles’ offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, “Audit this!” Or as the IRS said, “OK, see you tomorrow at noon.”

This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, “Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?”

Source