Sunday Funnies

Monday Apr 01 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen.

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual.

Conan

This whole week we moved the show from Los Angeles to Atlanta. We have gone from the town where they make hundreds of movies a year to the town where they make tons of Tyler Perry movies a year.

They made three Tyler Perry movies as I was saying that last joke.

Atlanta’s number one employer is Delta Airlines. In honor of Delta, tomorrow night’s show will be delayed by two hours.

Late Show with David Letterman

In New York City you can park free for as long as you like — anywhere in New York City. Don’t worry about the tickets. Mayor Bloomberg says, “It’s on me. I’ll take care of it.” Oh, April Fools!

Every Easter I give my son all the leftover Halloween candy. He doesn’t know. He’s fine with it.

I’m worried about the Yankees. They’re in a lot of trouble. Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter are on the disabled list. Jeter, of course, is recovering from a broken ankle. A-Rod is still getting over Cameron Diaz.

Mariano Rivera is back. What a fantastic reliever. I’m worried about him, too. He’s 76 and has only one lung.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Researchers found that 25 percent of people say they’ve pulled an April Fools’ Day prank on someone. And 22 percent say they have been pranked themselves. Which means there are 3 percent out there who have been pranked and don’t know it yet.

A number of major corporations pulled pranks online. Google introduced a feature called Google nose. YouTube said they were shutting down for two years to pick the best video on the site. And Apple made their user agreement hundreds of pages long. Oh, that was not a prank? Silly me.

The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was “Be healthy, be active, be you.” They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. “I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister.”

The Easter Bunny got into trouble this weekend. Highway Patrol in San Diego pulled over a man in a bunny suit for riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The cop let him go with a verbal warning. That’s the right thing to do. You can’t arrest the Easter Bunny on Easter.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it’s a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, “Let’s win it.” Mets fans were like, “Let’s have fun out there, you guys.”

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher.

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.”

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, “You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, “Sorry, Justin, I guess you’ve got to stay.”

Tuesday Apr 02 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.”

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress.

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on.

Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana.

Conan

Man, you Atlanta crowds are loud. I like that. I don’t know if this is a late-night talk show or a monster truck rally.

Last night I did a show here and the Braves won their first game of the season. So this morning I got a phone call from the Braves manager. I’d like to announce I’m doing 161 more shows here.

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide.

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Did you see Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools’ Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she’s pregnant. This morning she tweeted “April Fools.” Where’s everybody’s sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it’s funny. But with her, it’s a reason to call Child Protective Services.

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can’t even show up for her pranks on time.

The women’s school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball.

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, “counter to what we’re trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there’s only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools’ Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case.

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools’ joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby.

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.”

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.

Wednesday Apr 03 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The Tonight Show” again.

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you.

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber.

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.

Conan

Here in Atlanta there are 4,000 more females then males. Of course, 2,000 of them are Tyler Perry in drag.

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees.

The Dave Matthews Band will be performing a free concert here in Atlanta. And I thought having an extremely white guy do a free show for the people of Atlanta was my idea.

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga’s grandmother.

Late Show with David Letterman

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, “Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.”

Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I’m told it’s a different Jimmy that’s going to be hosting.

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble.

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” — for now.

You’ve probably heard the news. I’m going to be taking over for “The Tonight Show” next February. But don’t worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called.

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, “That’s cool. Take your time.”

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life.

Thursday Apr 04 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don’t send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship.

Some experts believe North Korea may have the missile capability to reach Los Angeles. That’s why NBC is moving “The Tonight Show” to New York. Of course. It makes perfect sense.

Somoa Air wants to be the first airline to charge passengers by the pound. You stand on a scale, they weigh you, and you pay your fare based on that. In a related story, Governor Chris Christie changed his flight from Samoa to Delta.

Model Heidi Klum was in Hawaii and saved her 7-year-old son from drowning. The rip tide pulled him out, and Heidi jumped in the water and saved him. I was surprised the kid isn’t a better swimmer. He’s half seal, isn’t he?

Conan

It’s our last night here in Atlanta. I’m leaving Atlanta with many new friends, great memories, and Type 2 diabetes.

The Braves have won every game since I’ve been here. And not only that, but before I got here the Braves hadn’t won a game since October.

The Atlanta Braves are playing their first season in 19 years without third baseman Chipper Jones. But don’t worry. He’ll still be getting to third base tonight.

Late Show with David Letterman

Last night Jimmy Fallon — on his program, which used to be our program, which used to be Conan’s program — announced that he was taking over for Jay Leno. When I heard this I said to myself, “It’s amazing that this information didn’t leak out earlier.”

Jay, for leaving “The Tonight Show” for the second time, gets $15 million. It’s the same deal that the Kardashian husband gets. It’s the same deal the old Pope got.

Yesterday NBC announced Jay’s retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don’t have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that’s what Fallon ought to be worried about.

They give Jay $15 million NOT to host to “The Tonight Show.” They gave Conan $30 million NOT to host “The Tonight Show.” I have not hosted “The Tonight Show” longer than both of them put together. WHERE IS MY MONEY?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Fast-food workers in New York City went on strike today. They’re demanding the companies double their pay to $15 an hour. If it doesn’t happen, there will be no fast food in New York. Mayor Bloomberg has got to be torn on this one, huh?

You will never see this kind of strike happen in New Jersey — not on Governor Christie’s watch.

Texas Highway Patrol pulled over a tanker rig for what they thought was a routine traffic stop, but when they searched the truck, they found 3.9 tons of marijuana in it. This is why you never ask the cops for directions to Willie Nelson’s house.

Snoop Dogg has a new song collaborating with Miley Cyrus, making it impossible for fans of either artist to enjoy it.

Snoop is the only recording artist whose greatest hits don’t involve music.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, “You can map mine for a lot less.”

They’re testing a new breakfast sandwich that has eggs and bacon stuffed inside a glazed doughnut. It goes with their new slogan, “America runs out of breath on Dunkin’.”

A man in New Jersey was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of perfume. Not good. I mean, if there’s one thing you don’t want in jail, it’s to smell pretty.

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