Sunday Funnies

Aug. 30, 2012

“A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald’s. To show you how good this guy’s disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.” –Jay Leno

“This Obama robber made some pretty scary threats to the McDonald’s employees. He said, ‘Give me your money, or else my economic plan will have you working here for the rest of your life.'” –Jay Leno

“Tonight is the last night, the final night of the Republican convention. Tonight is the swimsuit competition.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It’s never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn’t make a shadow.” –Conan O’Brien

“A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called ‘Who Cares, He’s Dead.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Are you excited about Labor Day weekend? That’s a holiday where Americans take three days off from looking for a job.” –David Letterman

“Have you folks been enjoying the Republican convention? Ann Romney was great. She said it’s all about love. Then Chris Christie followed up by saying, ‘It’s not about love, it’s about respect.’ Will you people get on the same page? Which is it? Is it love or respect?” –David Letterman

“At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What’s more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?” –Craig Ferguson

Aug. 31, 2012

“Didn’t you love that part where Clint pretended that he was talking to an invisible Obama? And this Obama was not a nice guy. This Obama was telling Romney to go f**k himself. Isn’t that something? Even people who don’t’ exist hate Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt had to follow that. He’s a little stiff. He makes Al Gore look like James Brown at the Apollo. And for five minutes the crowd was chanting, ‘Bring back the chair!'” –Bill Maher

“After the whole Eastwood debacle last night, I’ll bet the Democrats are thankful their party doesn’t’ have any cozy relationship with Hollywood celebrities like the Republicans.” –Jay Leno

“A young couple got engaged on the floor of the Republican Convention. Thankfully for the Republicans it was a man and a woman.” –Jay Leno

“Last night at the convention, the scheduled appearance of three-dimensional Ronald Reagan hologram was canceled at the last minute. Of course they canceled the 3d hologram. They didn’t want to upstage Mitt Romney. He’s only one dimensional.” –Jay Leno

“The Democrats are getting ready for their convention in north Carolina. Or as they told Joe Biden, South Carolina.” –Jay Leno

“I always like how the politicians show how they’re just regular guys. Like Obama says he likes to have a beer with people. And Romney said, when it comes to shopping, he chooses Costco. In fact, last week, he bought three of them.” –Jay Leno

Sept. 4, 2012

“The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was ‘Hope and change.’ This year the theme is ‘Hope you don’t make a change.'” –Jay Leno

“The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.” –Jay Leno

“Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it’s Mitt Romney’s dog.” –Jay Leno

“Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn’t a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money.” –Jay Leno

“I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we’re actually going to let him speak.” –Jay Leno

“That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood.” –Jay Leno

“If you’re a donor to President Obama’s campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’ Americans said ‘No, we’re worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Did you have a nice Labor Day? It’s the day we honor the American worker. When I say an American worker, I mean an 8-year-old kid in China.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer.” –David Letterman

“I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy. –David Letterman

“Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he’ll also be at the convention.” –David Letterman

“On Saturday the White House released President Obama’s personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That’s how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he’s drinking beer he made in his bathtub.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, ‘Eh, it’s OK.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn’t bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day.” –Craig Ferguson

“Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood’s speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.” –Craig Ferguson

“I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn’t his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he’s given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you’re looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 5, 2012

“It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.” –Jay Leno

“The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.” –Jay Leno

“They announced today that they are moving President Obama’s speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats.” –Jay Leno

“Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers.” –David Letterman

“Did you watch the speech by Michelle Obama at the Convention Tuesday night? It was powerful, it was exhilarating, it was thrilling, it was motivating. At the end of the speech I thought too, ‘Whoa, she can do much better than him.'” –David Letterman

“Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn’t for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt.” –David Letterman

“Bill Clinton will be at the Democratic convention. Say what you will, but Clinton is still polling very well. I tell you, sometimes these jokes just write themselves.” –David Letterman

“At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today, the Democrats added the word ‘God’ to the official party platform. It’s in the part that reads, ‘Did you see Michelle Obama’s biceps. Oh, my God!'” –Conan O’Brien

“In her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls where they strategize about middle school relationship. Which explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech , she’ll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, ‘Hey, my eyes are up here!” –Conan O’Brien

“A fun fact: At this year’s Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight.”-Jimmy Kimmel

“First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it ‘not the worst.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, President Obama’s speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it’s Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4.” –Jimmy Fallon

Source