Sunday Funnies

“It is good that Joe Biden is going to the Republican National Convention next week to hold high the flag of his party. People make fun of his gaffes, of his embarrassing verbal forays, but he’s no fool and he knows how to take it to the other guy. The speech he is working on, to be given in the heart of downtown, just across from the convention site, will be stirring and stentorian: ‘All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Tampa, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words, ‘Ich bin ein Tampon’.”-Peggy Noonan (via Jack Wheeler’s To the Point)

Aug. 17, 2012

“New Rule: Scientists must explain how it’s possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world.” –Bill Maher

“Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, ‘People Magazine.’ Or as Mitt Romney calls it ‘Corporation Magazine.'” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden’s.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said today he’s working on a plan to release oil before November to lower gas prices. It will be released from our strategic election reserves.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no.” –Jay Leno

“A new study found that about one percent of the U.S. population is allergic to gluten, while the other 99 percent are sick of having to hear about it.” –Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 20, 2012

“Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney’s running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Welcome to “The Tonight Show” — or as Comcast calls us, “The Expendables.” As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized “The Tonight Show.” We’ve consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon. And more bad news. It turns out now we’ve been taken over by Bain Capital.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘See, I do reach out to poor people.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he’s never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country.” –Jay Leno

“The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study…will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that’s the price you pay for preventing something that doesn’t happen.” –Jon Stewart

Top Ten Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses (for skinny-dipping naked in the Sea of Galilee)

10. “What’s the big deal, I was naked the whole trip”
9. “It was spring break; chill out”
8. “People in the Middle East are pretty easygoing about nudity”
7. “In my defense, I had been drinking heavily”
6. “Trying to take the focus off Mitt Romney’s taxes”
5. “It had been days since a congressman did something embarrassing”
4. “It’s Obama’s fault”
3. “Putting the ‘junk’ in ‘congressional junket'”
2. “I can’t swim naked, but Barney Frank can walk around like this?”
1. “That’s how we party in Kansas”

Aug. 21, 2012

“Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are ‘legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.’ The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected.” –Jay Leno

“Fellow Republicans are calling for Todd Akin to step down. But Democrats are going ‘Stay in! Don’t be a quitter. Hang in there.'” –Jay Leno

“Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who knows so little about a woman’s body doesn’t know when it’s time to pull out.” –Jay Leno

“At a campaign stop in Ohio, a group of senior citizens greeted Republican Vice President nominee Paul Ryan and yelled ‘Good luck!’ It’s good to see the cast of ‘The Expendables 2’ is everywhere this week.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that’s just for people to do his taxes.” –Jay Leno

“A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, ‘Hurricane Todd Akin.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Senior Citizens Day was made official by President Reagan in 1988 to recognize the contributions the elderly do for this country. It’s a special holiday to remind them they are indeed old.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Aug. 22, 2012

“At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, ‘I’d trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.’ To which President Obama said, ‘Deal!'” –Jay Leno

“According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin.” –Jay Leno

“It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ Then it got weird when she added, ‘Again.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he’s in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today.” –David Letterman

“Akin apologized on Rachel Ray’s show and then they made veal mea culpa.” –David Letterman

“Nude photos popped up on the Internet today of what appears to be Prince Harry having a big naked party in Las Vegas. This has caused quite a commotion in London. But I’d be disappointed if my prince wasn’t having naked parties in Vegas.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“What’s the point of being a prince if you can’t round girls up in Vegas and get naked with them? In the olden days, it probably went on every night and if you told anybody about it, they cut your head off.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe those poor girls lost their clothes in an accident and the prince graciously gave them his. It’s called chivalry. Look it up.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I just think it’s refreshing to see a famous redhead drunk and stripping that isn’t Lindsay Lohan for a change.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Aug. 23, 2012

“Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman.” –David Letterman

“Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month.” –David Letterman

“They’re now worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week’s Republican convention. But Florida is ready for it. Thanks to President Obama’s economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.” –Jay Leno

“Rest assured, no matter how high those winds get, not a single hair on Romney’s or Paul Ryan’s head will move. They have guaranteed that.” –Jay Leno

“It’s now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to develop into a hurricane in the next few days. Unfortunately, the Republican National Convention starts in Florida on Monday. The National Weather Service says the storm could reach category 5, which is strong enough to move Mitt Romney’s part to the other side of his head.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Obama campaign announced that theirs will be the first political campaign to accept donations via text message. The president is hoping it’s a way to engage grass-roots supporters to give money. A friend of mine tried to donate money and ended up voting for Sanjaya.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, ‘This is outta my league, bro.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s supporters can now text the word ‘GIVE’ to donate up to $50 dollars to his campaign, although it’s frustrating when autocorrect keeps changing it to ‘Fix the economy.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, ‘Whoa — is it noon already?'” –Jimmy Fallon

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