Sunday Funnies

Aug. 2-6, 2012

“A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer.” –Conan O’Brien

“An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, ‘What are we fighting for, man?'” –Conan O’Brien

“This week is international clown week. That’s something more terrifying than sharks. There’s a lot of famous clowns. Bozo the Clown, Krusty the Clown, Joe Biden. There’s three right there.” –Craig Ferguson

“Why don’t they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.” –Craig Ferguson

“I would like to congratulate the team at NASA’s jet propulsion lab. You deserve every missed high five of your celebration.” –Stephen Colbert

Aug. 7-8, 2012

“Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She’s dating an older retired guy. What’s going on?” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald’s. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.” –Conan O’Brien

“Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mayor Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that’s out of the way he’ll start his crusade against the laughter of children.” –Conan O’Brien

“I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That’s wrong. That type of political pandering isn’t meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It’s meant for the Supreme Court.” –Craig Ferguson

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