Sunday Funnies

July 26, 2012

“I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: ‘Are you the only two choices?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don’t know what’s bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn’t already have gay marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.” –Jay Leno

“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.” –Jay Leno

“The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that!” –Jay Leno

“This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of ‘Buzzkillistan.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.” –David Letterman

July 27, 2012

“The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that’s not a proposal, that’s harassment.” –Jay Leno

“The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he’s made while he’s in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, ‘a Monday.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London.” –Jimmy Fallon

July 30, 2012

“The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.'” –Conan O’Brien

“An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming.” –Conan O’Brien

“Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she’s thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.” –Conan O’Brien

“Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.” –Craig Ferguson

“Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.” –Craig Ferguson

“The word “sailing” sounds cool. It sounds better than “yachting,” which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake.” –Craig Ferguson

“Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.” –Craig Ferguson

July 31, 2012

“All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of ‘1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'” –Stephen Colbert

“So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.” –Conan O’Brien

“Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.” –Conan O’Brien

“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.” –Conan O’Brien

“A couple of big birthdays today — comedian Tom Green and former government of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now Tom Green and Arnold Schwarzenegger are very different. One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics and the other one’s Tom Green.” –Craig Ferguson

“A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.” –Craig Ferguson

Aug. 1, 2012

“Here’s a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words ‘I don’t know if that’s true,’ then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates.” –Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn’t pay taxes for 10 years

“Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.” –Stephen Colbert

“Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping — and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!” –Stephen Colbert

“That’s right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don’t forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it’s now whore o’clock on the first day of Skankjuary.” –Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.” –Conan O’Brien

“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost?” –Conan O’Brien

“The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it’s nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.” –Conan O’Brien

“They’re calling it the worst drought in 56 years. That seems to me unnecessarily negative. Couldn’t it be the best drought in 56 years?” –Jimmy Kimmel

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