Sunday Funnies

June 21, 2012

“Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he’s too busy to comment because he’s watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is about to get a lot more interesting.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, ‘The View’ is now a radio show.” –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend begins Gay Pride Week. Their big parade begins on 12th Street and ends in Sarah Jessica Parker’s shoe closet.” –David Letterman

“A new report found that President Obama’s campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, ‘I’m Barack Obama and I’m selling some old CDs on Craigslist.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Just 31 percent of Americans said they would sit next to Romney on an airplane and 57 percent would rather sit next to president Obama — while 100 percent would want to watch them have to sit next to each other, just have them go at it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. today. Or as people at work put it “Well, I guess I better get back to Facebook.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.” –Jay Leno

“According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that’s called being a Democrat” –Jay Leno.

“A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don’t confuse that for what you and I have. That’s contempt FOR Congress.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Summer Blockbuster Films About Presidents”

10. Jurassic Polk
9. Franklin Delano Robocop
8. Harding and Kumar Go to White Castle
7. The Trumanator
6. Prometheus S. Grant
5. How Bubba Got His Groove Back
4. Herbert Hoover: Fully Loaded
3. Buchanan vs. Predator
2. James Monroe: Male Gigolo
1. Dude, Where’s My Birth Certificate?

June 22-25, 2012

“Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, ‘I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair.” –David Letterman

“Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he’s not much of a president. They’re also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter.” –David Letterman

“Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it.” –Craig Ferguson

“Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?” –Craig Ferguson

“I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it’s California. In Hollywood, we’re going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it.” –Craig Ferguson

“A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn’t know that meant flip-flopping.” –Jay Leno

“The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. To which attorney general Eric Holder said, ‘Why didn’t I think of that?'” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing ‘The Robot’ – or as Romney calls that, ‘The Me.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, ‘Fifty Shades of Change.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, ‘The student has become the master.'” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court”

10. For summer promotional campaign, it’s been renamed the Taco Bell Big Beef Supreme Court
9. Public courtroom seating has a two-drink minimum
8. Under rare circumstances, decision is handed down based on applause
7. Court mascot “Supreme Kurt” is available for parties and corporate events
6. Prior to oral arguments, the justices spend 15 minutes discussing “Hot Topics”
5. Court basement features an indoor gavel range
4. Thanks to grass-roots Internet campaign, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will host “Saturday Night Live”
3. For the last two weeks, Chief Justice John Roberts has been out on jury duty
2. Fridays are “robe optional”
1. Antonin Scalia: Vampire Hunter

June 26, 2012

“A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, ‘But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao.” –Conan O’Brien

“Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.” –Jay Leno

“There’s this new movie out called “Machete” and in the film, Charlie Sheen has been cast to play the President of the United States. Charlie Sheen as President? Really? Don’t you see Charlie as more of a Secret Service kind of guy?” –Jay Leno

“Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They’re all terrorists, but they agree with Carter.” –Jay Leno

“Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That’s scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can’t work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?” –Jay Leno

“Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the ‘Today’ show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it’s constitutional.” –David Letterman

June 27, 2012

“Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table.” –Jay Leno

“While talking about the economy, Joe Biden said it’s a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word ‘depression’ to describe the economy. I don’t know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe Biden sounds like he’d be perfect.” –Jay Leno

“A rare copy of Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation sold for $2.1 million at an auction house in New York City. As you know, the Emancipation Proclamation is the document that freed the vampires.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney wants to prove he’s regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney’s business career by calling him an ‘outsourcer-in-chief.’ Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India.” –Jimmy Fallon

June 28, 2012

“In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.” –Jay Leno

“If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life.” –Jay Leno

“CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it.” –Jay Leno

“According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they’d see there’s no jobs and they’d go home.” –Jay Leno

“For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, ‘Thank God no one watches us.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two.” –Craig Ferguson

“Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.” –Craig Ferguson

“Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.” –Craig Ferguson

“A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, ‘Please do not lump us in with those maniacs.'” –Conan O’Brien

“New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn’t like an ‘S.O.B.’ Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a ‘B.L.T.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney reminds me of the guy in high school who only has friends because his parents have a swimming pool.” –David Letterman

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