Sunday Funnies

March 22, 2012

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing.” –Jay Leno

“He is so conservative, he won’t even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That’s how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“At the White House this week, President Obama and the first lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish prime minister. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.” –Jay Leno

“The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You’d think that should be secret.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney picked ‘Javelin’ as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose ‘Petris’ because that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose ‘Gas prices are not my fault.’” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he’s been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” –Jay Leno

“March Madness started again today with the start of the round known as the Sweet 16. President Obama’s bracket was in the top 2 percent of everyone who makes picks on ESPN.com. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama did this last year, too. Once again, he is out of touch with regular hard-working Americans who don’t know how to bet on college basketball.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 23, 2012

“Mitt Romney’s adviser actually compared him to an Etch A Sketch — and because of that, Etch A Sketch sales jumped 1,500 percent. Or as Disney put it, ‘Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to ‘John Carter?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“’The Hunger Games’ is opening this weekend. The movie is based on the books where people are chosen in a lottery to compete in a televised battle to the death. Why can’t we do this to the Republican primaries? Wouldn’t that be great?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch A Sketch.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to President Obama’s re-election campaign.” –Jay Leno

March 26, 2012

“Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said ‘Heck!’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, ‘So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Fox News sent Dick Cheney flowers. MSNBC sent chili cheese fries.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama said that North Korea is in a ‘time warp’ that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph.” –Jimmy Fallon

March 27, 2012

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –David Letterman

“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” –David Letterman

“Rumors now that Mitt Romney might pick Rick Santorum for his VP running mate. But Rick is dubious. He thinks two guys on the same ticket might be gay.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Supreme Court is deciding right now whether the government can mandate that all Americans buy health insurance. Rick Santorum said, ‘There’s no way I’m letting the government make me go on a man date.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A madam in New York City claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“(Monday) was Nancy Pelosi’s birthday. They had a huge surprise party for her. Actually, it was a regular party, she just always looks surprised.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. Just imagine — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the United States.” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich”

10. How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt?
9. Should I just photograph myself burning $50?
8. Do I look Newty enough?
7. Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who’s not going to be president?
6. Do I have to touch him?
5. Is this how Newt met his three wives?
4. Seriously, have I lost my mind?
3. Does Newt have to be in the photo?
2. What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?
1. Will Rush Limbaugh think I’m a slut?

March 28, 2012

“Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ on NBC. It’s interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul said it’s still too early to count him out as the Republican nominee. Seriously? That’s like Newt Gingrich saying it’s too early to count him out as an Abercrombie model.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week Walt Disney’s stock reached its highest point in a year. In fact, Disney is so wealthy, today Mickey and Minnie endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” –Jay Leno

“A New York City madam says John Edwards was a customer. This is the first time a hooker is more embarrassed at being caught than the john.” –Jay Leno

“A study claims eight out of 109 cities that value sex the most are in California. So thank you, Governor Schwarzenegger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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