Forget polls.
Forget delegates..
Forget campaign war coffers and endorsements.
Lock yourself in an emptied closet and turn of f the light. Sit on the floor Lotus style if you belly allows.
Clear your mind.
Hummmmmmmmm………….
Now without the distraction’s of pundits and candidates empty your head of the yelping and squealing of them all. Just you and your brain for one moment of Republican Primary meditation. Let the evidence that you have gathered of the candidates stored in your subconscious come to the fore without prejudice. Let the images and unedited sound bites stored deep within circle and flow about you as you focus on just one thought. When the primary all shakes out, who is going to be the nominee.
In my trance like state, naked, alone, in my makeshift sweat lodge in my daughters closet I had THE vision.
The image at first was far off in a hazy mist, but it strode steadily though awkwardly towards me. At first I was a bit shaken. The hair seemed to be in perfect order suggesting Romney. But how could this be? Had my sub conscious all along been waiting to throttle me with this information standing in line at McDonalds hoping I would connect the my horrible reality with a Big Mac, thus deterring me from the junk food paradise and another roll to the belly? No,. As the image came closer I detected a swagger. I thought “Ah, Gingrich“, but I realized it was a swagger and not a waddle. I hoped I would soon hear the CLICK CLICK CLICK of high heals strutting, but no such sound emerged. The image drew nearer. I closed my eyes. It was in front of me now. I was starting to feel a bit of apprehension then I remembered this was a meditative dream and this is stupid.
I opened my eyes.
I was looking at Rick Perry.
I thought “What The F……” He spoke.
“Your surprised huh!” The imaginary Perry said with a Texas sized shit eating grin.
“Well, yes actually.” I countered.
“Yeah, I am getting that a lot lately” Perry said with a chuckle. “You should see what its like in Romney’s head! Its just dawning on him now that in reality I am the bigger threat then Gingrich is.”
“Huh?” I said confused.
“What do you mean “Huh?” fat boy? Think!” Perry was now tapping his finger on my forehead. “ Oh Man, not you too? This is your own little meditated drama here! Are you really that damn clueless?”
What could I say? This is after all going on in my head, and to be honest this weird nagging feeling was always tugging at my gut whenever I saw the man on T.V.. I also had this craving for Texas Road House and to watch Texas A&M football games. That should have been a clue to something not being right. I am after all a staunch Notre Dame fan. I do love Texas Road House though….
Anyway, Imaginary Perry slapped me back into reality, or, where ever I was, or wasn’t.
“O.K.! O.K. Perry threw up his hands in disgust and rolled his eyes and plopped down beside me. “Apparently this will have to be spelled out to you in verbal finger paint so you can figure it out.” “Heres how its gonna go down so pay attention I don’t have a lot of time. I gotta get on over to Newts brain soon before he wakes up. Trying to find your way around that place is damn near impossible. Open one door and your starring at little Oompa Loompas in space suits swinging hammers at rocks on the moon. In another your looking at Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein doing belly button shots off a stripper who oddly looks like….” Here he seems to start to smile, but then he shudders.
“Well anyways” Perry rushes. “ Heres the long and short of it. Who the hell do you think that everyone is going to run to when beltway Republicans and K street realizes that Romney is never, ever, ever, going to appeal to the conservative base? They can put lipstick on that well manicured pig all they want, Tea Party minded people aren’t gonna kiss it.
“Ok.” I said thoughtfully. Then blurted “But what about Newt!”
Imaginary Perry cocked his head. “Heh! Newt is in the bag my portly little Charlie Brown! See right now I got Romney focused on the Newtster. He is taking all the bullets and bombs the Romney camp can send down range. Newts is expending all his ammo firing back at Romney and his supply is limited. Now don’t get me wrong , Newt is gonna go down swinging but eventually one round from Romney is gonna hit that big ol’ noggin of his and he is finished.”
“Alright. But what are you doing during this whole firefight?” I said eyeing him.
“Harmless little Rick Perry is playing dead in a shell hole in no mans land hurling grenades in both directions when no one is looking of course” He laughed. “When those two are finished with each other everyone is gonna be sick of both of them. Romney’s voters aint going to Newt and Newts supporters will never support Romney if you listen them, yourself included pin head. Mr. Perry is going to be the compromise everyone can agree on ya see. Genius! You don’t have to say it” He held up his hand in false modesty and stood up.
I rolled it all over in my head. Its true I would never vote for Romney. But Perry? Well, I could do that. When I think about it I supposed so could Romney supporters as well. I mean, Perry has done nothing to sway me to him for sure but then again he hasn’t done anything much to make it like I would never vote for him either. On Romney’s side I have always thought that Perry and Romney were competing for the same voters anyway. I mean I’m pretty sure a Perry would collect more of Romney’s voters then Romney would collect of Perry voters if one dropped out and a Gingrich was the only other choice. There is a lot of banging on chests and threats about going to a third party or staying home, hell I have said both at one point or another but…..
“Bingo! Fat boy gots Bingo!” Imaginary Perry slaps his leg. “ That’s right! Everyone is saying this and threatening that but in the end we ALL know who is in the White House now, and we ALL know what a cluster fark its gonna be if that pompus ass POTUS is given another four more years. Might as well cash in the 401K and build yourself a bunker. Its gonna get ugly and no sane conservative wants that just to prove a point.”
It was all true I realized. This man Perry is going to be the next President of the United States.
He slapped me on the back and said “Damn! Look at the time! I have to roll!”
He started to jog into the haze and shouted as he was disappearing “ By the way. Your daughter is about to open the closet door looking for a Barbie and she is going to need therapy for a long time there fat ass!”
I reached up to grab anything I could find to cover my private bits and screamed “What about my wife?”
Remember when I was talking about Jefferson, Einstein, and the stripper? Well when you saw me start to smile then shudder . I was thinking about the stripper then I suddenly had a vision about what your wife is gonna do to you after your daughter lets out a blood curdling scream and she sees why she is screaming.
Now I shudder at the image.
Faintly I hear “You are so screeeeeewwwwww……………….”
He is just a fat guy in Maine.