Sunday Funnies

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor and then sues.

Hat tip: Grouchy Old Cripple

Oct. 24, 2011

“I don’t know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I’m on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?” –David Letterman

“I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.” –David Letterman

“There’s so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver’s license.” –David Letterman

“So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.” –David Letterman

“The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That’s what I did.” –Conan O’Brien

“A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was back in Los Angeles today, where he will appear on the ‘Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno, to highlight the one job that was saved during his administration.” –Conan O’Brien

“It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi’s body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It’s one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that.” –Jay Leno

“The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: ‘Who was raising that question?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is in Vegas for a fundraiser. He spent the visit working on his new economic recovery plan, ‘Come on, seven!” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That’s right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, ‘the best piñata ever.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“I’m very excited that President Obama is coming tomorrow night and as you know he’s on his nationwide ‘I Whacked Another Terrorist’ tour.” –Jay Leno

“The world was supposed to end Friday. I don’t think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don’t think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he’s kind of a bummer to hang out with.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 25, 2011

“Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they’re going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television.” –Conan O’Brien

“They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it’s going to be the best season of ‘The Amazing Race’ yet.” –Conan O’Brien

“So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he’d had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.” –David Letterman

“It feels weird, because we’re taping the show extra early tonight. It’s rare that we change what time we tape the show to accommodate a guest’s schedule. In fact, the only people we’ve ever done it for are the president and Lindsay Lohan.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama just launched his own blog on the website Tumblr. Incidentally, ‘tumbler’ is what you call President Obama after looking at his poll numbers.” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Details of Rick Perry’s Tax Plan”

10. Fifty percent tax increase for all guys named ‘Mitt’
9. Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt
8. It’s covered in rib sauce
7. Lets people choose regular tax, flat tax, or ‘El tax muy caliente!’
6. It’s called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan
5. The obese pay an additional 3 percent per chin
4. Free dance lessons (video of Rick Perry dancing with Orthodox Jews)
3. Not sure. Honestly, when this guy speaks I have no idea what the heck he’s talking about
2. All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese
1. Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection

Oct. 26, 2011

“Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he’s not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster.” –David Letterman

“We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things Overheard At Moammar Gadhafi’s Funeral”

10. ‘Honestly, how the heck did he spell his name?’
9. ‘It’s a shame he didn’t live long enough to promote himself above colonel’
8. ‘Is it too soon to hit on the Ukrainian nurse?’
7. ‘After the services, come back to the house for cake’
6. ‘Where’s his hot daughter Kim?’
5. ‘And now, a few words from Moammar’s closest friend, Loni Anderson’
4. ‘At least he died doing what he loved best — begging for mercy in a storm drain’
3. ‘Incoming!’
2. ‘Nice of Leno to send flowers’
1. ‘Let’s bury this guy’

Source

Come back tomorrow for spooky Halloween cartoons!