Sunday Funnies

Oct. 13, 2011

“Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that’s in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They’re apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn’t said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he’s had several meetings with Papa John.” –Jay Leno

“The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they’re sponsoring them.” –Jay Leno

“White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley announced he’ll be leaving the White House after the election. I get the feeling a lot of people are going to be leaving the White House after the election.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don’t understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza.” –Conan O’Brien

“Big Ben is leaning to one side, but they think that it might be able to somehow correct itself. And I thought well, yeah, look at Mitt Romney. He used to lean to the left, now he leans to the right.” –David Letterman

“The new iPhone 4S comes out tomorrow. If you are not already standing outside in line, it’s too late. The line for the iPhone 5 starts up Monday. … You watch TV and they say our economy is on life support. If we can afford $400 for a phone whose main difference appears to be that there’s a letter ‘S’ on it, how bad could things be?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That’s longer than most NBC sitcoms last.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 14, 2011

“Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.” –David Letterman

“Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has come out of nowhere to become the new front-runner. And believe me, Mitt Romney is worried. He’s sweating like Rick Perry.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican candidates are still looking for ways to stop Romney. See, it’s hard to disagree with his positions — because as you know, he’s taken every position.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years.” –Jay Leno

“Warren Buffett’s company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn’t paying enough taxes, he wasn’t kidding.” –Jay Leno

“The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They’ve started to attract a very unsavory element – celebrities.” –Craig Ferguson

Oct. 17-18, 2011

“Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, ‘Will you occupy my parents’ basement with me until I get a job?'” –Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Obama said her daughters watch ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ but that President Obama doesn’t approve. Obama said, ‘If I want to see a giant butt who doesn’t do anything, I’ll have lunch with Joe Biden.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, President Obama’s teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that’s eloquent and spreading a message of hope.” –Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it’s a great idea because if there’s one thing you don’t see in China, it’s Mexicans.” –Conan O’Brien

‎”Almost all of Rick Perry’s support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney.” –Jon Stewart

“It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China.” –Craig Ferguson

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