Sunday Funnies

Sept. 22, 2011

“There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he’s a yahoo.” –Jay Leno

“Bad day for the stock market. It’s down nearly 400 points. They’re calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox.” –Jay Leno

“Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in.” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’ll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that’s impossible to understand.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the U.N. today Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a speech and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Tea Party has formed a debt supercommittee that will meet this week at a Denny’s. It will be the first time in history that anyone at Denny’s will be interested in trimming fat.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was in town speaking at the U.N. General Assemble. He said he’s very proud of three things: No. 1: Bin Laden dead; No. 2: Gadhafi toppled; and No. 3: Regis fired.” –David Letterman

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not at the U.N. He was arrested for hiking in Iran.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to Biden at the kids table.” –Jimmy Fallon

“First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of ‘Extreme Home Makeover’ on Sunday. The good news is, she’ll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it’s the White House.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new memoir that will focus on his career as a body builder, action star, and politician. You can find it in that section at Barnes & Noble marked ‘Trying to Change the Subject.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin’s website sent out an email to her supporters hinting that if they send her enough money, she’ll run for president. I need this woman to run. This kind of material doesn’t just show up every day.” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 23, 2011

“It’s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, ‘the end of global warming.'” –Jay Leno

“The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates.” –Jay Leno

“Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or ‘they will lose an ally.’ Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists.” –Jay Leno

“We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama.” –David Letterman

“The stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. I saw a bunch of guys running out of Goldman Sachs with squeegees.” –David Letterman

“They had another of those Republican debates. The field seems a little anemic. President Obama was watching with his wife, and halfway through he said, ‘Honey, you can stop packing.'” –David Letterman

“That 6-ton satellite should come down Saturday. Well, Sunday if there’s construction on the FDR. It’s plummeting back to Earth faster than Michele Bachmann’s campaign.” –David Letterman

“Someone smashed the windows in President Obama’s L.A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race ‘more exciting.’ Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sept. 26, 2011

“You want to add another candidate? It’s like the Republican primary is a season of ‘American Idol’ in reverse, where every week you just add some new idiot… Have you ever considered the possibility that your candidates aren’t the problem — it’s you?” –Jon Stewart to the GOP base

“It’s like your ideal candidate is a rare super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second, before you all remembered how much you hate science. You guys need to take a long hard look in the mirror, and not come away thinking, “You know, there’s something wrong with this mirror.” –Jon Stewart

“Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney’s birth certificate, and then they got down to business.” –David Letterman

“President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, ‘No Child Left With a Big Behind.'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s campaign just launched a new program geared toward seniors called ‘Operation Vote.’ Great, just what old people need – another operation.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it.” –Jimmy Fallon

Sept. 27, 2011

“Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.” –David Letterman

‎”I voted for Obama because he was black, not because I agreed with him. I barely agreed with him that he was black.” –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore

“It was sweet to elect the first black president, but what would be even sweeter would be to see the first black president kicked out of office by the second black president. It could happen, he [Herman Cain] just kicked Rick Perry’s Caucasian ass up and down the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. … You know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and f**ks you.” –Daily Show Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore, on former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

“President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn’t take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he’s probably fried more people than global warming all put together.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama claims his new jobs bill will be better than his old jobs bill, which only created one job that went to a guy named Bill.” –Jay Leno

“Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins.” –Jay Leno

“Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, ‘Sorry you lost your job.’ The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman.” –Conan O’Brien

Sept. 28-29, 2011

“Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he’s not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa.” –David Letterman

“Perfect fit: Oval Office, oval president.” –David Letterman

“The Obama campaign is offering a chance to win dinner with the president for $3. This would explain his new campaign slogan: ‘Hey, I’m cheaper than Arby’s.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him ‘the Antichrist.’ The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“Obama says his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Let’s not set that bar too high.” –Jay Leno

“Republican students at Berkeley held a bake sale to publicize their views on affirmative action. Prices were based on a customer’s race and gender. White males paid $2 for a cupcake. Black males, 75 cents. And women got 25 cents off. Minority students held a competing bake sale where they pointed out if a white male gets caught stealing a cupcake he gets a slap on the wrist. A woman gets to keep it. And a black man gets 25 years in prison.” –Jay Leno

“If you donate $5 to President Obama’s re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can’t make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can’t fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it’s not worth bending over for, it’s not worth making.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down.” –Craig Ferguson

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