Sunday Funnies (Evening Edition)

My computer hard drive decided to take a vacation over the weekend so apologies to the regulars for being behind schedule.

Better late than never delivered…

May 9, 2011

“The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we’re going to pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

May 10, 2011

“The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore.” –Jay Leno

“The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.” –Jay Leno

“Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.” –Jay Leno

“The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can’t be terrorists — unless you’re sitting next to one on a flight.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won ‘Apprentice.’ Because nothing says ‘not racist’ like making a black man run your errands.” –Conan O’Brien

“The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same.” –Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, ‘Hasta la vista, half of my stuff.'” –Craig Ferguson

“They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world.” –Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s going back to acting, but what kind of movies? ‘Conan the Octogenarian?’ ‘Occasional Recall?’ ‘Tinkle All the Way?’ I have a soft spot for Arnold, maybe because I enjoyed his movies in the 1980s, or maybe because I’m not a teacher in California.” –Craig Ferguson

“California is a very tough state to govern. We can’t even control Lindsay Lohan.” –Craig Ferguson

“The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I don’t know how they ever started communicating.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s approval ratings have already started to go down again. We’re so fickle. Basically, we’re saying, who have you shot for us lately?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Iran 25 of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s associates have been arrested and charged with being magicians and being able to summon genies. So if you’re keeping score at home, it’s believe in genies 1, believe in Holocaust 0.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today, the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It’s kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you’re like, ‘We will fight you until the end! Of May!'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton is at a summit in Greenland with leaders of 7 Arctic countries. Obama said, ‘Send the Ice Queen. Make it so.'” –Jimmy Fallon

‎”There is little doubt what Trump’s eventual announcement will be because he’s already decided to run in his mind. That means he’s a shoe-in because that’s where all his supporters are.” –Stephen Colbert

‎May 11, 2011

“Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every 6 months we’d have a different First Lady. Newt’s slogan is, ‘At least I’m not Trump.'” –Jay Leno

“President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called tunnels.” –Jay Leno

“Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It’s being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s approval rating has hit 60 percent, its highest in two years. So he can pretty much count on reelection if he can just kill bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months.” –Conan O’Brien

“Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, ‘What happened to the last guy?'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich announced that he’s running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.” –David Letterman

“After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, ‘I’ll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we’re done.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don’t pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, ‘Wanna bet?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know if you’ve ever tasted Godfather’s Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius.” –Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden”

10. “How many threats per minute can you type?”
9. “Can you work weekends?”
8. “Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?”
7. “How do your co-terrorists describe you?”
6. “What is the current bounty on your head?”
5. “Any ideas for a new catchphrase? ‘Death to America’ is kind of played”
4. “Would you require the use of the company llama?”
3. “How often do you delouse your beard?”
2. “Were you bar mitzvahed?”
1. “What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?”

May 12, 2011

“President Obama’s approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden’s death. If I were Obama, I’d fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Pakistan’s Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he’d been having an affair for 5 years … with Osama bin Laden.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is “Let’s Just See What Would Happen.” –Conan O’Brien

“The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden’s compound, including a diary. I didn’t know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven’t read the diary yet because they can’t find the little key to open it up.” –Craig Ferguson

“Isn’t it odd how history’s greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer.” –Craig Ferguson

“Hillary Clinton says she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing a lot. Bill said, ‘Yeah, that’s why I’m always alone on the computer in my room, e-mailing my family.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!” –Jay Leno

“An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I’ve heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama gave a speech about how good it is to have immigrants in this country, though I understand Maria Shriver may give the rebuttal.” –Jay Leno

“According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary”

10. Always dotted the ‘I’ in ‘Jihad’ with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster’s coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn’t shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

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