Sunday Funnies

April 6, 2011

“The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden…” –Jimmy Fallon

“We’re heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?” –Jay Leno

“Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing.” –Jay Leno

“The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working.” –Jay Leno

“Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of ‘Jersey Shore,’ but the U.S. government is still up in the air.” –Conan O’Brien

“All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House says we’ll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn’t see that coming.” –David Letterman

“The original estimate for Libya was two weeks. Now they’re predicting about 12 years.” –David Letterman

April 5, 2011

“There’s a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it’s rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That’s a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There is a lot of speculation as to what the tunnel’s true purpose is, whether it’s for security or transportation. Or, maybe it leads directly to Oprah’s bedroom.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I think he Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it — just like he did with being president.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? “Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.” –Jay Leno

“It looks like we’re heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before.” –Jay Leno

“While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.” –Jay Leno

“Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper.” –Jay Leno

“Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck’s show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped.” –Craig Ferguson

“Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane.” –Craig Ferguson

“Bravo is canceling ‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’ after just one season. That’s when unemployment is bad, when people who don’t even have jobs are losing their jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said he doesn’t have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game ‘Wii Budget Deal.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.” –Conan O’Brien

“Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.” –Stephen Colbert

April 4, 2011

“President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He’s not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He’s forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war.” –Jon Stewart

“President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.” –Craig Ferguson

“Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain.” –Craig Ferguson

“As far as I’m concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate.” –Jay Leno

“Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him.” –Jay Leno

“Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, ‘I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it’s mostly on top of the water.” –Conan O’Brien

“Charlie Sheen’s live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee.” –Jimmy Fallon

“No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?” –Seth Meyers

April 1, 2011

“The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.” –Bill Maher

“Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead.” –Bill Maher

“TLC will start airing new episodes of ‘Kate Plus 8’ starting this Monday. And they’re going to keep airing them until Gaddafi agrees to step down.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I’ve made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president, but in all honesty, I’ll be making a lot more.” –David Letterman

“President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, ‘April Fools’!'” –Jay Leno

“If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East.” –Jay Leno

“According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job.” –Jay Leno

March 31, 2011

“Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: ‘If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?’ So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is getting criticized from both sides for having no clear exit strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Gaddafi. So I think it balances out a little bit.” –Jay Leno

“Obama’s bracket — busted. None of his picks are going to the Final Four. I mean, the one time he takes quick, decisive action, and look what happened.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama didn’t throw any first pitches for opening day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya.” –Jay Leno

“It’s now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We’re not sure how long they’ll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“The IRS is auditing more millionaires than ever before. Especially real estate millionaires with funny hair who are questioning where the President was born.” –Jay Leno

“The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we’ll be fighting them.” –David Letterman

“Uganda said Gaddafi could come live there in exile, which is amazing, because to Charlie Sheen they said no.” –David Letterman

“Sarah Palin said on Fox News that we are in a ‘squirmish’ with Libya. When she was corrected, she said, ‘Listen, I shouldn’t be expected to get everything 100 percent Accura.'” –Conan O’Brien

“On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama’s birth certificate could indicate that he’s a Muslim. Trump said he doesn’t trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.” –Conan O’Brien

“Al-Qaida has a magazine, and the spring issue features a profile of Moammar Gadhafi. It also features a women’s section called ‘Death to Cottage Cheese Thighs.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was offered the first pitch for opening day, but he declined because he’s a Muslim that hates our national pastime. Either that or he’s busy with Libya.” –Jimmy Kimmel

March 30, 2011

“President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn’t follow the news.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich said he’s afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we’re screwed.” –Jay Leno

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