Sunday Funnies

“Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do.” –Jay Leno

“Jessica Simpson’s various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica Simpson has a better business plan than he does?” –Jay Leno

“Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control.” –Conan O’Brien

“A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.” —Jay Leno

“A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore.” —Conan O’Brien

“On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He’s now the Charlie Sheen of Libya.” —Jay Leno

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now wants to outlaw prostitution. Let’s make politicians illegal and keep the hookers. At least they’re upfront about screwing you.” —Jay Leno

“George Clooney told Newsweek that he could never be President of the United States because he slept with too many women and did too many drugs. On the other hand, it does qualify him to run for Congress.” —Jay Leno

“Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya’s troubles. It’s going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell.” —Conan O’Brien

“People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, “How can we fix things in Wisconsin?” and someone else said, “I know. More cheese.” —Conan O’Brien

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman