Hat tip: CJ

This vainglorious administration is so self-absorbed that it refuses to keep secrets if it can in any way benefit politically from them regardless of the cost. Obama is so bent on preening he seems not to have any concern at all for those who actually make the sacrifices. First Joe Biden outs SEAL Team 6 as those who participated in the Bin Laden raid and then Leon Panetta outed the doctor who helped provide intelligence for the raid. That was catastrophic for the doctor.

First he and his wife were fired for engaging in a “fake” vaccination program.

In a notification issued in this regard, the health department said that Afridi’s services were terminated under the Efficiency and Disciplinary (E and D) Rules for being involved in anti-state activities, the Express Tribune reports.

Earlier, 15 lady health workers who were part of the alleged fake vaccination campaign, were were also sacked from their jobs.

It was reported earlier this month that Dr Afridi was dismissed from his post, along with four LHVs.

Earlier, Dr. Shakeel’s wife, Imrana Ghafoor was also removed from her post. She was the principal of the Government Girls Degree College in Darra Adam Khel.

Now he has been jailed for 33 years for treason:

PESHAWAR, Pakistan — A Pakistani surgeon recruited by the CIA to help find Osama bin Laden was on Wednesday sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason, officials said.

Shakil Afridi, who was sacked as a government doctor two months ago, was found guilty under the tribal justice system of Khyber district, part of Pakistan’s semi-autonomous tribal belt.

In addition to his jail sentence, he was fined 320,000 rupees ($3,500). The doctor had worked for years as a surgeon in lawless Khyber, part of the Taliban and al-Qaeda infested tribal belt.

Afridi was not present in the court and not given a chance to defend himself, officials said. Under the tribal system, he would not have had access to a lawyer.

“He has been sentenced for 33 years on treason charges and has been moved to Peshawar central jail after the verdict was announced by the local court,” said Mohammad Siddiq, spokesman for the administrative head of Khyber.

In January, U.S. Defence Secretary Leon Panetta confirmed Afridi had worked for U.S. intelligence by collecting DNA to verify bin Laden’s presence and expressed concern about Pakistan’s treatment of him.

He was arrested shortly after U.S. troops killed the al-Qaeda leader on May 2, 2011 and in October a Pakistani commission recommended that he be tried for treason.

Golly, given this event who wouldn’t want to want to come to the aid of America? The left has not had word of complaint- not about this nor about the unprecedented access to classified material offered to filmmakers in the process of Obama idolatry.

Contrast that to the phony kerfuffle over Valerie Plame and the scorn wrongly heaped upon George Bush.

May 10, 2012

“President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage because his position has evolved. Then today he flew to George Clooney’s house. So things are evolving a lot faster than we expected.” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he’s going to turn his birth certificate into a musical.” –David Letterman

“My question with the same-sex couples is: Who drives, who nags? Who says let’s order dessert and who says I’ll just have a bite?” –David Letterman

“Can you be in a heterosexual marriage and also have a gay marriage? Can you have one of each?” –David Letterman

“President Obama’s in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says ‘man of the people’ like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken.” –Craig Ferguson

“The guests included Leonardo DiCaprio and Barbra Streisand. It must have been awkward though. Everybody in Hollywood thinks they’re the world’s most important person. So it must be kind of weird when in walks the world’s actual most important person.” –Craig Ferguson

“Insiders say Obama’s pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been ‘acting’ like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.” –Craig Ferguson

“I’m a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that’s not the Hollywood I know.” –Craig Ferguson

“After President Obama announced his support for gay marriage, his campaign raised a million dollars in 90 minutes. That explains why today Mitt Romney actually supported gay marriage from noon to 1:30.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight’s big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?” –Jay Leno

“Today Newt Gingrich didn’t agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages.” –Jay Leno

May 11, 2012

“President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution.” –Bill Maher

“When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt’s tastes. And today Mitt’s dog said, ‘I thought I had it bad.” –Bill Maher

“I don’t know what it’s like at your salon, but at mine, isn’t the guy cutting the hair the gay one?” –Bill Maher

“The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan.” –Bill Maher

“This week President Obama was finally outed as a Democrat.” –Seth Meyers

“In an interview with ABC News on Wednesday, President Obama said, ‘It is important for me to affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.’ OK buddy, we get it, you’re not a Muslim.” –Seth Meyers

“Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama’s support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. I had a hunch that the President was in town because on my way to work last night on Sunset Boulevard, I saw a Secret Service agent arguing with a hooker.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. They want to have a fundraiser with lots of celebrities so the choice is pretty much George Clooney’s house or Promises rehab center in Malibu.” –Jay Leno

“This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn’t know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor.” –Jay Leno

“Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann’s husband and cutting his hair.” –Jay Leno

“North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What’s going on?” –David Letterman

May 14, 2012

“There was a huge fundraiser for President Obama at George Clooney’s house last Thursday night. They raised over $15 million. Actually, one awkward moment: When they were handing President Obama the check… the Chinese ambassador stepped in and said, ‘I believe that belongs to us.’” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service – a place in America where prostitution is legal.” –Jay Leno

“JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That’s 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.” –Jay Leno

“The Pentagon, concerned that it was spending too much money on studies, issued a study to study the studies. Unfortunately they ran out of money before the study could be completed, which, I guess, answers the question.” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I’m going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say.” –David Letterman

“JPMorgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. They made bad investments — for example, those gay wedding chapels in North Carolina. What were they thinking?” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants.” –David Letterman

“Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.” –David Letterman

“President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? – that he doesn’t know what to say in a commencement speech.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Saturday President Obama and Joe Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. Joe Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap . . . is Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great – now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” -Jimmy Fallon

May 15, 2012

“Earlier today President Obama went on ‘The View.’ He went on ‘The View’ because they’re the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.” –Conan O’Brien

“The new Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with a headline, “The First Gay President.” Apparently, the new Newsweek editor is a 3rd grade bully.” –Conan O’Brien

“As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama raised $1 million at a fundraiser hosted by Ricky Martin. Obama thanked Martin for his contribution to the campaign, while Joe Biden thanked him for his contribution to Menudo.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Police in California just burned 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in a state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed direction.” –Jimmy Fallon

“I just read about a new 24-hour day care that’s opening in India. Yeah, it’s pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The average college graduate now leaves school $27,000 in debt. But the good news is that now it means they are more than qualified to work as financial advisers at JPMorgan.” –Jay Leno

“The new issue of Newsweek has President Obama on the cover with the caption ‘The First Gay President.’ … Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek? Really?” –Jay Leno

“Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, “Well, you want me to look nice, don’t you?” And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul is out of the race, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not surprising that Ron Paul quit. Who could keep going at that white-hot pace?” –David Letterman

May 16, 2012

“A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick ‘an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.’ When he heard that, Joe Biden said, ‘Thanks, I’ve already got a gig.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair ” –Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul has announced he’s no longer campaigning. He’s dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul announced to supporters that he was discontinuing his campaign by email. There were two emails he sent out. The first one was blank and then he had to send out the other one.” –David Letterman

“Here in New York City, they have a law now that if you’re a police officer and you see somebody who looks suspicious, you can stop them and frisk them. And I thought, ‘Well, now wait a minute, in New York City, everybody looks suspicious!’” –David Letterman

“Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Ron Paul made an announcement on Monday, saying he’s dropping out of the race for president. This was his third race for president. He ran in 2008 against John McCain and against Lincoln in 1860.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama’s new slogan, ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I loved ’50 Shades of Grey.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.” –Jay Leno

“The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan’s $2.3 billion loss. I believe it’s called ‘Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.’” –Jay Leno

Source

I guess smartphones are now going to have to come with smartusers:

Avid texters beware: Fort Lee, N.J. police said they will begin issuing $85 jaywalking tickets to pedestrians who are caught texting while walking.

“It’s a big distraction. Pedestrians aren’t watching where they are going and they are not aware,” said Thomas Ripoli, chief of the Fort Lee Police Department.

Ripoli said the borough, which is home to approximately 35,000 residents, has suffered three fatal pedestrian-involved accidents this year. He hopes his crackdown on people who display dangerous behavior while walking will make his town safer, but not everyone is on board with the idea of issuing $85 tickets.

~~~

Two professors at Stony Brook University in New York conducted a study on walking and texting. They found texters are 60 percent more likely to veer off line than non-texters.

“We want to raise awareness that a real disruption occurs because of texting,” Eric Lamberg, co-author of the study, told Long Island Business News. “Texting disrupts your ability much more than does talking.”

So walking and talking on the phone is still okay? How about reading a book and walking? Isn’t that a walker distraction as well? Dan Seifert notes that walking and chewing gum at the same time is still allowed. Phew!

3 “idiot” (I don’t really know if they were idiots or not) pedestrians vs. about 35,000 potential walkers each day. Is it really necessary to create a new law that affects the rest of society to protect people and society from the lack of sound judgment on the part of the few? Is this not a case of an over-reaction law? Or does it make sound sense? Texting and walking, texting and running, texting and doing just about anything at the same time….potentially hazard to society?

With apparently 74 pedestrian crashes last year in Ft. Lee, maybe this is unique to Ft. Lee residents? Looks like it’s the problem of jaywalking in general that’s at issue in that town:

Pedestrians contributed to 20 percent of all traffic fatalities in New Jersey in 2010, the last year for which complete state police statistics have been compiled. Only distracted driving contributed to more deaths — 23 percent.

Combining both factors — as happens when a driver on a cellphone meets a texter on foot — too often leads to trips to hospitals or morgues, yet cops traditionally give breaks to walkers.

“If you give a pedestrian a ticket, he looks at you like you have two heads,” said Fair Lawn Patrolman Tim Franco, who heads the New Jersey Police Traffic Officers Association. “But when you have a serious public safety situation, as in Fort Lee, I’m glad they’re doing this.”

As statewide traffic figures suggest, almost every town has a serious pedestrian safety problem. That’s why the Legislature passed a law in 2009 requiring drivers to stop — not simply yield — to walkers at painted crosswalks.

Dozens of towns, including Fort Lee, Bergenfield and Paramus, sent decoy cops to high-traffic intersections to enforce the law. A state-funded study of the Montclair sting suggested that motorists continued to give walkers the right of way long after the program ended.

But not everybody believes this change suggests success. Drivers often complain that the law has emboldened pedestrians to cross streets — at crosswalks and elsewhere — as if they always have the right of way, sometimes long after traffic lights turn against them.

Indeed, fatality statistics suggest that the biggest pedestrian safety issue isn’t at crosswalks. state police figures for 2010 showed 60 percent of pedestrian deaths occurred either in places where crossing was prohibited or because of unspecified “other pedestrian action in roadways.” That’s cop-speak for doing something stupid, like leaping over a barrier or some other form of jaywalking. Figures for 2009 were similar.

The law seems to be backing itself with a study by Erik M. Lamberg and Lisa M. Muratori, and published in Gait & Posture:

Abstract

Cell phone use among pedestrians leads to increased cognitive distraction, reduced situation awareness and increases in unsafe behavior. Performing a dual-task, such as talking or texting with a cell phone while walking, may interfere with working memory and result in walking errors. At baseline, thirty-three participants visually located a target 8m ahead; then vision was occluded and they were instructed to walk to the remembered target. One week later participants were assigned to either walk, walk while talking on a cell phone, or walk while texting on a cell phone toward the target with vision occluded. Duration and final location of the heel were noted. Linear distance traveled, lateral angular deviation from the start line, and gait velocity were derived. Changes from baseline to testing were analyzed with paired t-tests. Participants engaged in cell phone use presented with significant reductions in gait velocity (texting: 33% reduction, p=0.01; talking: 16% reduction, p=0.02). Moreover, participants who were texting while walking demonstrated a 61% increase in lateral deviation (p=0.04) and 13% increase in linear distance traveled (p=0.03). These results suggest that the dual-task of walking while using a cell phone impacts executive function and working memory and influences gait to such a degree that it may compromise safety. Importantly, comparison of the two cell phone conditions demonstrates texting creates a significantly greater interference effect on walking than talking on a cell phone.

One of the co-authors of the study:

“We were looking at whether texting had more disruptions than talking on a cell phone,” Lamberg said.

Researchers asked participants to walk to a point 8 feet away and then asked them to return and repeat the exercise while texting, as well as talking on cell phones.

The researchers found “gait velocity is reduced when using a cell phone while talking or texting,” that “navigational errors occur when texting while walking” and “texting while walking produces greater interference than talking on a cell phone.”

“Cell phone use among pedestrians leads to increased cognitive distraction, reduced situation awareness and increases in unsafe behavior,” according to the abstract of the study in Gait and Posture online. “Performing a dual-task, such as talking or texting with a cell phone while walking, may interfere with working memory and result in walking errors.”

Participants who texted while walking “veered off course, demonstrating a 61 percent increase in lateral deviation and 13 percent increase in distance traveled.”

Lamberg said this shows the impact such distractions have on walking, an activity that seems automatic.

For many people, doing anything that requires diverting brain power for the sake of multitasking obviously reduces attention from one thing in order to engage in another. Some people are good at multitasking. Others are not. You don’t need a study to prove that someone enngaged in something more than simply walking will be less alert. But the purpose of the clinical research wasn’t to study pedestrian & traffic safety issues:

“We are using the findings to help physical therapy patients improve true functional walking,” he said, noting some tasks may affect their gait or certain aspects of memory. “In rehabilitation, we should use this as a tool to prepare our patients to be more ready to function in a natural environment.”

He said patients going through rehabilitation might even be told to text or talk while walking as they seek to regain their stride.

“We think using dual-task methodology is a way to challenge people during rehabilitation,” Lamberg said, noting, at a minimum, people might be prepared for this dual tasking. “Using cell phone use as part of a gait-training paradigm isn’t common in physical therapy.”

~~~

“We want to raise awareness that a real disruption occurs because of texting,” Lamberg said of the bigger picture. “Texting disrupts your ability much more than does talking.”

Should texting while walking be banned? That’s not the idea behind the research.

“Absolutely not,” Lamberg said. “I think it’s just to raise an awareness to this issue, that it does disrupt your ability to walk naturally.”

Here are a couple of examples of really dumb laws:

Greene, NY: It’s against the law to eat peanuts and walk backwards down the street while a concert is playing

Marion, OH: It’s a violation to eat a donut while walking backwards.

In Devon Connecticut:

It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

While in Hartford you aren’t allowed to cross the street while walking on your hands (was this a frequent problem?).

Of course, there are tons like them.

So do we need more and more cumbersome laws to protect people from their own idiocy?

Who’s responsible: Alexa or the state of New York:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Or both? And does this incident require more legislation?! Or just more common sense on the part of both the city workers and Alexa?

Even malls can be dangerous:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Dumb solution idea? Legislate a fountain ban on malls or the city in general (after all, pedestrians also exist outside of malls- and they could sue!); or, or course, create a law banning texting while walking in a mall.

That lady who fell in could have seriously embarrassed hurt herself! Let’s legislate before that happens to someone else!

While we’re at this, why aren’t we banning swimming pools instead of guns?

May 2, 2012

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden stayed behind. He did not go on this trip. Well, thank God for that. What if there had been an emergency here at home and Americans needed somebody to come up and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time?” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn’t have ordered a hit. He would’ve canceled his healthcare.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — ‘Forward’ — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be ‘Forward my mail.’” –Jay Leno

“Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I’m surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Senator Joe Biden and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg played a round of golf together last week. Biden shot an 89 while Bloomberg shot the person who arranged a round of golf with Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that prostitutes are using Twitter as a free way to advertise. They are getting a lot of retweets from one user — @secret service.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that a third of Americans would not be able to pass the U.S. citizenship test. It’s true. That’s a real insult to our founding fathers—Denzel Washington and George Jefferson.” –Jimmy

“Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he ‘made up’ a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Least Inspiring One-Word Campaign Slogans”

10. Up
9. Down
8. Sideways
7. Neutral
6. Futile
5. Backward
4. Feckless
3. Lame
2. Rejected
1. Erect

May 3, 2012

“Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big ‘Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?’ tour.” –Jay Leno

“The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, ‘Who’s knocking on my door at this hour?’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.” –Jay Leno

“A new biography about the president states that he took ‘artistic liberties’ in his memoir and says that he ‘fictionalized details for narrative clarity.’ That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don’t quit.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there’s one thing I know that women love, it’s being blurred together with other women.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama’s limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has promised now that we’ll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS.” –David Letterman

May 4, 2012

“Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we’re winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we’re not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech.” –Bill Maher

“And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?” –Bill Maher

“Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume.” –Bill Maher

“And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” –Bill Maher

“New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a ‘wild ride.’ Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, ‘Forward.’ Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.” –Seth Meyers

“According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden’s compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn’t commit suicide.” –Seth Meyers

“The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News ‘lacks neutrality.’ I’m not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.” –David Letterman

“Mitt’s wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there’s another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” –David Letterman

“Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.” –David Letterman

“This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, ‘Forward.’ … And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, ‘My money might be offshore, but my heart’s right here in America.’” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic already.” –Jay Leno

“We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden’s compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty.” –Jay Leno

“In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.” –Jay Leno

“More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.” –Jimmy Fallon

May 7, 2012

“France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It’s just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president’s exact words were, ‘I hope I won’t have to change my address.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom ‘Will & Grace’ made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss.” –Craig Ferguson

“The French president got voted out. So ‘adieu’ to Nicolas Sarkozy. He’s riding his ‘bicyclette’ off into the sunset.” –Craig Ferguson

“After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, ‘Uh-oh.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be ‘inconceivable’ for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, ‘Yep.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“More details about the Secret Service scandal. The ‘Today’ show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid.” –Jimmy Kimmel

May 8, 2012

“Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, ‘When I can’t sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama’s new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum gave Mitt Romney his endorsement. So Mitt gets all of Santorum’s delegates and all of his sweater vests.” –David Letterman

“They’re looking for a vice president for Mitt and I said to forget the vice president. You ought to be looking for a personality for Mitt.” –David Letterman

“I hate to dampen everybody’s spirit but they busted up another one of these exploding underpants plots. All I can say is thanks a lot, underpants bombers, because now at airport security we have to put our underpants in a tray.” –David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he’s in favor of gay Secret Service agents.” –Jay Leno

“That Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here’s an idea: stop being a prostitute. If you stop doing that, maybe your life will turn around.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?” –Jay Leno

“New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?” –Jay Leno

“Last night Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they’re on the same team. It’s like a ‘Jersey Shore’ special.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Santorum woke up this morning and said, ‘I endorsed who?’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today happens to have been National Teacher Day… National Teacher Day has been around since 1953, and it seems like a nice gesture, until you realize that there’s also a National Donut Day, which gets more attention.” –Jimmy Kimmel

May 9, 2012

“President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney’s house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!” –Jimmy Kimmel

“North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let ‘Dawson’s Creek’ shoot there for years.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I’m pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama officially announced he is in favor of gay marriage. Of course, this is a monumental event. This is the first time Joe Biden said something Obama didn’t have to apologize for.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, he changed his campaign slogan from ‘forward’ to fabulous.” –Jay Leno

“The women know what this means. Now all the good ones will be married AND gay.” –Jay Leno

“You know who is really against the president’s position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse.” –Jay Leno

“My position is simple. I support any wedding I don’t have to go to.” –Jay Leno

“Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan.” –Jay Leno

“Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage.” –Conan O’Brien

“This week President Obama awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn’t increase Obama’s street cred, nothing will.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s come down to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. And Mitt Romney is fighting this image that he has no personality, and the reason for this, of course, is that he has no personality.” –David Letterman

“Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants.” –David Letterman

“Let’s just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?” –David Letterman

“Today President Obama said he supports gay marriage, which is great news for the gay community. It wasn’t all positive though. He also said the show ‘Glee’ has jumped the shark.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco.” –Craig Ferguson

“Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, ‘Okay, now where’s my show on Bravo?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today Barack Obama became the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch gay-mageddon.” –Stephen Colbert

“Suck it gays! By which I mean, do not.” –Stephen Colbert

Source

Thomas Ricks quips,

But — it happened in your backyard, dude.

Or maybe even the frontyard?

To be fair, Pakistan has been instrumental in some of the successes we have enjoyed in the GWoT, such as the capture of AZ and KSM.

In the West Virginia Democrat primary, Obama was challenged by a prisoner from Texas and managed a significant victory of 20 points. Democratic strategists see these results as proof that Obama is regaining the momentum of 2008. Like the reports on the economy and jobs, news that can be spun with a positive view is vital to the Obama campaign.

Obama’s latest challenger, inmate Keith Judd, put up a valiant effort from the Federal Correctional Institution in Texas for the Democrat Presidential bid. Unfortunately, Judd has been serving time since 1999 for making threats at the University of New Mexico, but despite his apparent disadvantage, he managed to control 40% of votes cast and Obama tallied less than 60% for his first major victory of the 2012 campaign.

Judd ran with a skeleton campaign group, actually it is questionable whether he had any support; he managed to get on the ballot with a $2500 filing fee, a form known as a notarized certification of announcement. State Democratic Party Executive Director Derek Scarboro said no one has filed to be a delegate for Judd, but he only needed 15% of the vote to qualify for a delegate at the national convention. Sadly, this political miscarriage only serves to prove the Elitist nature of federal politics, without funding, the little man doesn’t stand a chance against those with backers like George Soros.

Even though some West Virginians were reluctant to vote for a federal inmate incarcerated in Texas, it is obvious that Obama controls a percentage of loyalists within the Democrat Party.

Hopefully, Judd will command a greater percentage of the Democrat Party upon his release.

April 26, 2012

“A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, ‘Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, ‘has a big stick.’ In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he’s waiting, it’s because it takes him that long to gather a crowd.” –Jay Leno

“A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn’t responded to the ad because he’s too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.” –Conan O’Brien

“Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he’s the best.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it’s known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn’t that already the announcement? If you say next week I’ll announce I’m dropping out of the race, what’s the point of having the announcement next week?” –David Letterman

“According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 27, 2012

“This week Mitt Romney’s Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it ‘America the Beautiful,’ off key, in mom jeans.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney swept more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m.” –Bill Maher

“Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American.” –Bill Maher

“Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself.” –Bill Maher

“Big medical news — according to the CDC, there’s been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service sexually transmitted diseases. Be careful.” –Jay Leno

“We’re learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was “Mitt.” The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later… his nickname was “Obama.” Kind of interesting.” –Jay Leno

“This story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don’t you like that language, ‘they visited’? That’s what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. ‘Hi, just visiting.’ No, you visit a hospital!” –Jay Leno

“A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well.” –Jay Leno

“Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards’ trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don’t think he’s learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant.” –Jay Leno

“The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he’s working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney.” –David Letterman

“They’re calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg.” –David Letterman

“After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, ‘Dude, scale it back!’” –Jimmy Fallon

April 30, 2012

“I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I was making jokes about the Secret Service while they were 10 feet away from me with machine guns in their hands. President Obama made jokes about them and he didn’t get much of a reaction either. They’re probably laughing on the inside.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Strange development in the Secret Service prostitution saga. They issued new rules of conduct on Friday, and on some trips they will send chaperones to make sure the rules are enforced. Am I nuts, or is this weird? We have to give the Secret Service chaperones to make sure they don’t get drunk and have sex?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We should make the agents travel with their moms. They would be highly trained themselves and will be ready to throw their bodies on any agent who is about to throw his body on a prostitute.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn’t worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan – ‘Forward.’ That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, ‘Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.’” –Jay Leno

“Here’s a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul.” –Jay Leno

“According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free.” –Jay Leno

“During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, ‘So, your place then?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn’t been screwing around with hookers.” –David Letterman

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens”

10. “How’s puberty going?”
9. “Where do you summer?”
8. “Do you fellows play sportball?”
7. “Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap”
6. “You teens are just the right height”
5. “Check out my sick Windsor knot”
4. “Would you like to see my dancing horse?”
3. “Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity”
2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying “Who let the dogs out?”)
1. “Didn’t I fire your father?”

May 1, 2012

“Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Osama bin Laden day. One year ago they got a hold of Osama bin Laden. Don’t we usually celebrate on a Monday?” –David Letterman

“The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It’s like a Kardashian husband.” –David Letterman

“Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden’s death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service.” –David Letterman

“Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He’s 160 years old. Of course he’s unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress.” –Craig Ferguson

“The report from British lawmakers was officially issued today. Murdoch knew about it months ago — because he hacked into their phones.” –Craig Ferguson

“Occupy Wall Street is back. There were protests everywhere today. They marched all the way to the White House. It’s not easy to get all the way to the White House. Just ask Newt Gingrich.” –Craig Ferguson

“Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain.” –Craig Ferguson

“The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow.” –Jay Leno

“German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda’s plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot.” –Jay Leno

Source

Barack Obama’s re-election has adopted a new slogan: “Forward”

It has some really interesting historical predecessors:

Click here to view the embedded video.

via GP

And then there are these:

Under the Leadership of the Great Stalin — Forward to Communism!

Under Lenin’s Banners, Under Stalin’s Leadership, Forward to a New Prosperity of the Soviet Motherland, to the Complete Victory of Communism in Our Country!

Forward to the Victory of Communism!

Via WZ

And over at Free Republic was the reminder of these images:

And who could forget this?

Click here to view the embedded video.

All we need now is that “Civilian Defense Force” as powerful as the military.

Then we’ll take your guns

The collection agency for the Federal Reserve known as the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is working with legislators to gain control over the rights of Americans. Without the right to due process, the IRS can simply claim a citizen owes $50,000 dollars or more to their illegal operation. This accusation alone will give their agency the right to revoke American’s travel rights and even remove the right to own a firearm.

With the help of Representatives like Barbara Boxer of California, a bill rapidly working through Capitol Hill (passed through the Senate and is currently up for review in the House) will give the IRS power to:

Accuse Americans of delinquency of tax payment without due process
Revoke their passports and travel rights
Place the accused in a centralize database
Authorize the removal of their right to own a firearm

No formal charges are required. Simply the accusation from the IRS is sufficed to strip American citizens of their Constitutional rights.

All you need is the accusation that you are a subversive.

Obama employs the words favored by the Nazis and Stalin and the Communists. Coincidence?

I don’t think so.

Is someone trying to fundamentally change this country?

Click here to view the embedded video.

I think so.

FORWARD!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

April 19, 2012

“That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here’s the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they’re going to have one hell of a going-away party.” –Conan O’Brien

“Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That’s what you call a trade deficit.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 23, 2012

“Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is ‘Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn’t work, Obama’s going to resort to his second proposal, ‘free pizza in my room.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.” –Conan O’Brien

“One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I’m thinking, now wait a minute. I’ve got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars.” –David Letterman

“These are jobs that should’ve gone to American hookers.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he’s no longer attacking the poor because he is one.” –Jay Leno

“They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In conjunction with Earth Day, the Dutch electronics company Philips released a revolutionary new light bulb designed to last 20 years. Do you think when the guy thought of this, a light bulb went off over his head?” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 24, 2012

“It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.” –Jay Leno

“Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn’t want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute.” –Conan O’Brien

“For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they’re sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. They’ve already broken out the non-alcoholic champagne.” –David Letterman

“Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren’t able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Even though the president just got here today, I’ve been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I’ve been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said he’s not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from ‘Yes, we can” to ‘Duke sucks’” –Jimmy Fallon

April 25, 2012

“Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he’s kind of stiff, he’s sort of cold, he’s sort of aloof. And I thought, ‘Well, wait a minute. Let’s look at the bright side of this.’ Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality.” –David Letterman

“In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.” –David Letterman

From David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk”: #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers

“After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. ‘Well, I guess you’re stuck with me.’” –Jay Leno

“Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did ‘Slow Jam the News,’ he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, ‘Dude, don’t you have a country to run?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, ‘I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.’” –Conan O’Brien

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