Madison – State election officials put off making recall petitions available publicly on Monday after hearing privacy concerns from people who signed them.

The state Government Accountability Board provided copies of the petitions against Gov. Scott Walker to Walker’s campaign on Friday and had said that it planned to post copies of them on its website Monday.

But agency spokesman Reid Magney said the board was holding off on posting them online after hearing concerns about a stalking victim who signed the petitions and others who did not want their names released.

Wisconsin democrats want Walker removed anonymously.

Recall organizers say more than 1 million people signed petitions to recall Walker, nearly double the 540,208 valid signatures needed. The board has until March 19 to determine whether enough signatures were filed to force a recall election.

How is anyone to determine validity of signatures if names are not released?

Making both types of petitions available has allowed the general public to verify that enough proper signatures were gathered.

On Monday, the board heard from people who did not want their information disclosed for privacy reasons, which led the board to take more time to consider the issue, Magney said.

They should have thought of that before they signed.

Last month the American Civil Liberties Union of Wisconsin wrote the accountability board to say if it makes a database of the names of petition signers publicly available, it should mask the names of victims of domestic abuse who ask to keep their names confidential.

The theme here is “Compromise thee, not me.”

“You can’t sign a petition to recall an elected public official in secret,” Lueders said.

Apparently Wisconsin democrats think they can.

H/T BG

And here is why democrats want to keep it all secret and why they so oppose voted ID:

On Wednesday, local watchdog Citizens for Responsible Government in Racine reported that Racine native Jeff Demet’s name was found four times on the petition to recall Republican State Senator Van Wanggaard. Finding the same signature four times is bad enough, but when Demet was contacted about the four signatures, he claims he never signed the Wanggaard recall petition at all!

This week, Ken Brown of CRG Racine was perusing the recall petitions for names he might recognize and came across his friend Jeff Demet. Brown thought this was interesting because not only does Demet not support the recall of Senator Wanggaard, but Demet even signed up withVerify The Recall to ensure his name was not on the recall petition.

Nevertheless, there he was was supposedly signing the recall petition four times.

Barack Obama: On the eighth day, God said “raise taxes”

President Barack Obama has been taking lumps from Republicans for years over his support for Wall Street and health care reform, but today at the National Prayer Breakfast he claimed support from on high to defend two of his most controversial legislative achievements.

“And so when I talk about our financial institutions playing by the same rules as folks on Main Street, when I talk about making sure insurance companies aren’t discriminating against those who are already sick, or making sure that unscrupulous lenders aren’t taking advantage of the most vulnerable among us, I do so because I genuinely believe it will make the economy stronger for everybody. But I also do it because I know that far too many neighbors in our country have been hurt and treated unfairly over the last few years, and I believe in God’s command to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself.’”

Sure you do.

“I know the version of that Golden Rule is found in every major religion and every set of beliefs — from Hinduism to Islam to Judaism to the writings of Plato,” Obama added.

If nothing else works, let’s try guilt:

“And I think to myself, if I’m willing to give something up as somebody who’s been extraordinarily blessed, and give up some of the tax breaks that I enjoy, I actually think that’s going to make economic sense. But for me as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus’s teaching that ‘for unto whom much is given, much shall be required,’” Obama said, noting Jewish and Islamic teachings say much the same thing.

Three years into Obama’s Presidency we learn that we didn’t just elect a President, we elected an evangelical. Well, that does explain the “pitchforks” thing.

So how do you like him now?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Jan. 26-27, 2012

“Hillary Clinton said this week she’d gonna quit if Obama wins a second term. She said she’s tired…she just wants to do nothing. And Joe Biden said ‘I’m still not giving you my job.’” –Bill Maher

“There was another Republican debate in Florida tonight. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 30, 2012

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O’Brien

Jan. 31, 2012

“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It’s called Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.’” –Jay Leno

“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” –Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson

“An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 1, 2012

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It’s being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

Source

Jan. 18, 2012

“A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress’ job. The other 16% weren’t aware Congress was doing one.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” –Jay Leno

“An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.” –Jay Leno

“Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that’s making its way through Congress right now. I’ll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.” –Stephen Colbert

“Politics should be like Easter candy: for sale everywhere you look, surrounded by fake grassroots and hidden from the little people until that special day.” –Stephen Colbert

“The 2012 Republican debates have now officially passed ‘The Simpsons’ for the most episodes in TV history.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 19, 2012

“Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.” –Conan O’Brien

“Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties.” –Jay Leno

“You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again.” –Jay Leno

At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, “Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney.” –Jay Leno

“Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.” –Jay Leno

“Everybody thought that Mitt Romney was the big Iowa caucus winner, but it turns out after the recount that Rick Santorum won the Iowa caucuses. You folks know what this means? Neither do I.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich served divorce papers on his first wife while she was dying of cancer. Today his second wife went all divorce court on his ass, saying after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, he asked her to have an open marriage, while publicly touting the sanctity of traditional marriage. His new slogan is “Open your legs, America.”" –Jon Stewart

“Can Newt Gingrich be reclassified as a pollutant? A carcinogen? The guy’s like the dioxin of husbands.” –Jon Stewart

“First Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That’s a classic Romney flip-flop.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”Rick Perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time getting leathery.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 20, 2012

“Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney’s got a look on his face like, ‘Three women at once? Who’s the Mormon in this race?’” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that’s been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney won’t release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss.” –Jay Leno

“Last night… anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he’s right. That’s why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday – which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He’s coming home and he’s not in a good mood.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn’t perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, ‘I am!’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, ‘Ron Paul is here? Where is he?’” –Jay Leno

“Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.” –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 23, 2012

“Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today, the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia.” –Conan O’Brien

‎”After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better.” –Stephen Colbert

“Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney on Saturday (in South Carolina). … Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators.” –Stephen Colbert

“You’re not a Washington insider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consulting millionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!” –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as a Washington outsider

Jan. 24, 2012

“Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone’s mind: Who cares?” –Stephen Colbert

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, ‘Nancy Regan really looks good for her age.” But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, ‘Flag looks like a lady.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‘Bright Lights, Big Mitty,’ ‘Mittizen Bain,’ and “Mormon-y, Less Problems.” But then … ‘The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.’” –Jon Stewart

Jan. 25, 2012

“President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, ‘The state of our union is open.’” –Conan O’Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, ‘I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!’” –Conan O’Brien

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them.” –Conan O’Brien

“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.’” –Conan O’Brien

“What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million.” –Conan O’Brien

Source

Whenever Barack Obama makes a key decision, it always seems to benefit special supporters. 80% of the money Obama threw away on “green energy” programs went to his big donors. It’s become painfully evident that crony capitalism has its fingerprints all over other Barack Obama decisions.

Last year Barack Obama softened up Warren Buffett by awarding Buffett the Medal of Freedom, which Obama felt was appropriate for Buffett having accumulated more than $40 billion in personal wealth. In return, Buffett has become a cheerleader for Obama, voicing his support of Obama’s Buffett rule.

WASHINGTON — President Obama on Monday will call for a new minimum tax rate for individuals making more than $1 million a year to ensure that they pay at least the same percentage of their earnings as middle-income taxpayers, according to administration officials.

The devil, as they say, is always in the details:

Mr. Obama will not specify a rate or other details, and it is unclear how much revenue his plan would raise. But his idea of a millionaires’ minimum tax will be prominent in the broad plan for long-term deficit reduction that he will outline at the White House on Monday.

Recently Barack Obama said no to the Keystone Pipeline. An article from Bloomberg (which curiously went down the memory hole already) scrapes the ice off the windshield so we can see why:

Warren Buffett’s Burlington Northern Santa Fe LLC is among U.S. and Canadian railroads that stand to benefit from the Obama administration’s decision to reject TransCanada Corp. (TRP)’s Keystone XL oil pipeline permit.

With modest expansion, railroads can handle all new oil produced in western Canada through 2030, according to an analysis of the Keystone proposal by the U.S. State Department.

“Whatever people bring to us, we’re ready to haul,” Krista York-Wooley, a spokeswoman for Burlington Northern, a unit of Buffett’s Omaha, Nebraska-based Berkshire Hathaway Inc. (BRK/A), said in an interview. If Keystone XL “doesn’t happen, we’re here to haul.”

The State Department denied TransCanada a permit on Jan. 18, saying there was not enough time to study the proposal by Feb. 21, a deadline Congress imposed on President Barack Obama. Calgary-based TransCanada has said it intends to re-apply with a route that avoids an environmentally sensitive region of Nebraska, something the Obama administration encouraged.

The rail option, though costlier, would lessen the environmental impact, such as a loss of wetlands and agricultural productivity, compared to the pipeline, according to the State Department analysis. Greenhouse gas emmissions, however, would be worse.

If completed, Keystone XL would deliver 700,000 barrels a day of crude from Alberta’s oil sands to refineries along the Gulf of Mexico, crossing 1,661 miles (2,673-kilometers) over Montana, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas.

Obama gives Buffett award. Buffett voices support for Obama. Obama makes decision to help put money in Buffett’s pocket.

Tidy.

Obama has what is realistically a complete moratorium on domestic oil exploration and production while at the same time helping to fund Brazil’s Petrobas search for oil. In addition, Obama granted Petrobas permission to operate a deep water vessel in the Gulf of Mexico:

Petrobras has received final approval to operate the Gulf of Mexico’s first floating production, storage and offloading vessel, clearing the way for the Brazilian oil giant to start pumping oil from two deep-water fields, federal regulators said Thursday.

The Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, Regulation and Enforcement took the “final regulatory step” in green-lighting the project, with the approval of a production safety system permit and a supplemental deep-water operating plan, the bureau said in a statement.

The floating production, storage and offloading vessel, or FPSO, has a daily production capacity of 80,000 barrels of oil and 16 million cubic feet of natural gas. The ocean energy bureau said with the latest approvals, production at the Cascade and Chinook deep-water fields is expected to begin soon.

The fields are in more than 8,000 feet of water about 165 miles off Louisiana, in an area called Walker Ridge.

The reason?

Soros.

In August of 2010 George Soros sold off his stake in Petrobas.

Billionaire George Soros’s fund management firm sold all of its Petroleo Brasileiro SA stock, dumping its biggest company holding ahead of a planned $25 billion offering by Brazil’s state-controlled oil producer.

Soros Fund Management LLC, which oversees $25 billion, sold 9.1 million American depositary receipts representing Petrobras common stock and 5.88 million ADRs corresponding to preferred shares in the second quarter, according to a filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission yesterday.

But then he bought back into Petrobas:

Billionaire investment manager George Soros built on his position in Brazilian oil and gas company Petrobras in the first quarter of 2011 for his Soros Fund Management firm, according to the guru watchers over at Guru Focus.com on May 17. He now owns 1.1 million shares of Brazil’s state owned oil company.

Soros sold out of Petrobras in mid-2010 only to return to the market in the fourth quarter of 2010 with the purchase of roughly 588,000 shares. The stock has been a money loser for Soros since getting back into the market, according to his average share price calculated by Guru Focus. Petrobras closed May 17 at $34.27 per share, so Soros’s big purchases in one of Brazil’s top two most actively traded stocks was unaffected by his large purchase orders.

May I draw your attention to the timing. Soros began “building” on his position from the fall of 2010 into the “first quarter” of 2011.

The decision to allow operation of the deep water vessel is announced in the middle of March 2011, and it coincidentally just happens to follow Soros’ Petrobas holdings expansion. Now Brazil has signed an agreement with China for China to purchase Petrobas’ oil.

The administration had already been found in contempt for its determined effort to keep US interests at bay in the Gulf while aiding Soros’ Petrobas.

Curious.

It’s the mother of all boners. Barack Obama gambled the future of the US oil supply on Brazil.

He lost. China kicked his butt.

In March Barack Obama put on his best groveling suit (you know, the same one he wore when genuflecting to the Saudi King) and went off to Brazil looking for foreign oil. The schtick was thick:

Obama started by saying that being in Brazil was a great joy, and thanking his hosts on behalf of his wife Michelle and family for the warm welcome they received.

The US president said it was a pity that he had to come only days after the Carnival but: “my only regret is that we missed the party by coming a few weeks after Carnival. Maybe that’s the best — since I’m not sure I would have had the same level of productivity from my staff”.

While emphasizing US weaknesses, he promised the US would be Brazil’s best customer:

Obama also spoke about energy. “The oil you recently discovered off the shores of Brazil could amount to twice the reserves we have in the United States”, he said, adding that the US want to help Brazil with the technology needed to extract it and, when Brazil is ready to begin selling the commodity, “we want to be one of your best customers”.

That is not to be. Brazil blew off Obama for China instead:

BUENOS AIRES — Off the coast of Rio de Janeiro — below a mile of water and two miles of shifting rock, sand and salt — is an ultradeep sea of oil that could turn Brazil into the world’s fourth-largest oil producer, behind Russia, Saudi Arabia and the United States.

The country’s state-controlled oil company, Petrobras, expects to pump 4.9 million barrels a day from the country’s oil fields by 2020, with 40 percent of that coming from the seabed. One and a half million barrels will be bound for export markets.

The United States wants it, but China is getting it.

Less than a month after President Obama visited Brazil in March to make a pitch for oil, Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff was off to Beijing to sign oil contracts with two huge state-owned Chinese companies.

The deals are part of a growing oil relationship between the two countries that, thanks to a series of billion-dollar agreements, is giving China greater influence over Brazil’s oil frontier.

Apparently deciding that the US needed neither the oil nor the jobs, Barack Obama rejected the Keystone Pipeline.

President Barack Obama’s decision yesterday to reject a permit for TransCanada Corp.’s Keystone XL oil pipeline may prompt Canada to turn to China for oil exports.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper, in a telephone call yesterday, told Obama “Canada will continue to work to diversify its energy exports,” according to details provided by Harper’s office. Canadian Natural Resource Minister Joe Oliver said relying less on the U.S. would help strengthen the country’s “financial security.”

The “decision by the Obama administration underlines the importance of diversifying and expanding our markets, including the growing Asian market,” Oliver told reporters in Ottawa.

Once more, China will be the beneficiary.

Obama is strangling domestic oil exploration with bans and moratoriums pretty much everywhere in the US and at the same time is pouring billions of US tax dollars down the toilet on failed “green energy” projects for his top donors. Then in liquidation Obama made sure his donors got their money before us taxpayers.

No energy, no jobs, no oil. Barack Obama does seem determined to lead the United States into becoming a third world nation while making certain China prospers.

Change is….absolutely necessary.

Jan. 11, 2012

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman finished third … and he said he’s happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it’s got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you’re saying, ‘We’re happy to be landing ahead of schedule.’” –Jay Leno

“The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ron Paul said he’s ‘nibbling at mitt Romney’s heels.’ At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ron Paul finished second. … Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers … and if his message continues to resonate … and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman

“In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as ‘dangerous.’ Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.” –Conan O’Brien

“Nation, unless you live in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard that yesterday’s New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I’m guessing you voted for Ron Paul.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 12, 2012

“President Obama met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the Oval Office yesterday. And after they left, Obama checked the White House to make sure Sasha and Malia were still there.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt talked adoption with Obama at the White House. Obama said, ‘Could I interest you in a Biden?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called ‘The Real Romney.’ You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, “Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney says, I’ll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry’s presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they’re now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain & I forget the third thing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it’s the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.” –Jay Leno

“A report from the Department of Homeland Security says they regularly monitor social networking sites, like Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. So that’s who is looking at MySpace, I guess.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Jan. 13-16, 2012

“Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I’m not kidding. Sarah Palin’s formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don’t know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings.” –Bill Maher

“I’m sensing Mitt Romney isn’t that popular with Republicans. On the New Hampshire ballot he was listed as ‘Mitt Romney, I guess.’” –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is going to be like … Well, it’s going be like HAVING Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. It’s going to have no effect really.” –Jimmy Fallon

“During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, ‘I’m also lonely!’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says that on Thursday he will be releasing his tax returns. You can feel the excitement, right?” –David Letterman

“Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don’t know, but that question’s out there now.” –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race”

10. “Who’s Jon Huntsman?”
9. “Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?”
8. “Seriously, who’s Jon Huntsman?”
7. “You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that’s Stan Huntsman”
6. “Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious”
5. “So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry”
4. “It’s like Jon Huntsman said . . . Well, actually, I have no idea what he said”
3. “Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race”
2. “He should have Tebowed more”
1. “Now who’s gonna lose to Obama in the general election?”

Jan. 17, 2012

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags.” –Stephen Colbert

Rick Perry from Monday’s debate: “South Carolina is at war with this federal government and with this administration.”
Jon Stewart: “War against the government led by South Carolina! That always has good ending, right?”

Mitt Romney on MSNBC: “If we coordinate (with a super PAC) in any way whatsoever, we go to the big house.”
Jon Stewart: “Which one of your big houses do you go to: the beach house or the ski chalet?”

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?’” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

Jan. 18, 2012

“A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress’ job. The other 16% weren’t aware Congress was doing one.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That’s not a tax, that’s barely a tip.” –Jay Leno

“An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets.” –Jay Leno

“Wikipedia and a number of websites blocked themselves out to protest a piece of legislation that’s making its way through Congress right now. I’ll look it up in Wikipedia if it ever comes back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words ‘Obama’ and ‘well done’ appeared in the same sentence.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.” –David Letterman

“Today, the TSA has admitted that it was wrong to let its screeners strip search two elderly women last month. However, the screeners won’t be punished because living with the memory of what they saw is punishment enough.” –Conan O’Brien

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky”

10. Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”
9. Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary
8. He’s forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that’s cocky
7. Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy
6. Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC
5. Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign
4. Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s
3. Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”
2. Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico
1. Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

On a Mission from God

If one searches for Obama’s position on the separation of church and state, one is repeatedly directed to a speech given by Obama at the Call to Renewal’s Building a Covenant for a New America. A video of a portion of the speech is posted several times on youtube and it is described by one poster this way:

Barack Obama discusses the importance of The Separation of Church and State in a pluralistic society.

Another poster says this:

Obama explains the importance of church-state separation in a variety of ways. What it comes down to is; In a diverse democratic society, any proposed policy must justify itself via the benefits we ALL see, rather than via arguments that only hold true to people who have one certain religious worldview.

Neither is correct and Obama’s speech was not about separation of church and state- but rather how government can take advantage of religion. He pays lip service to the separation of church and state but not so much about keeping religion out of politics as it was keeping politics out of religion:

For one, they need to understand the critical role that the separation of church and state has played in preserving not only our democracy, but the robustness of our religious practice. Folks tend to forget that during our founding, it wasn’t the atheists or the civil libertarians who were the most effective champions of the First Amendment. It was the persecuted minorities, it was Baptists like John Leland who didn’t want the established churches to impose their views on folks who were getting happy out in the fields and teaching the scripture to slaves. It was the forbearers of the evangelicals who were the most adamant about not mingling government with religious, because they did not want state-sponsored religion hindering their ability to practice their faith as they understood it.

But then makes the argument that religion must bow to government:

This brings me to my second point. Democracy demands that the religiously motivated translate their concerns into universal, rather than religion-specific, values. It requires that their proposals be subject to argument, and amenable to reason. I may be opposed to abortion for religious reasons, but if I seek to pass a law banning the practice, I cannot simply point to the teachings of my church or evoke God’s will. I have to explain why abortion violates some principle that is accessible to people of all faiths, including those with no faith at all.

Thus it ought to surprise no one that Barack Obama’s policy has been to intermingle church and state when it to his advantage to do so. He’s on a Mission from God.

During his run for the Presidency Barack Obama gave a campaign speech in the United Church of Christ’s General Synod in Hartford Ct in June of 2007.

The speech caught the interest of the IRS:

NEW YORK — The IRS is investigating the United Church of Christ over a speech Sen. Barack Obama gave at its national meeting last year after he became a candidate for president, the denomination said Tuesday.

Obama, an Illinois Democrat, belongs to the 1.2 million-member Protestant group through his Chicago congregation.

In a letter the denomination received Monday, the IRS said “reasonable belief exists” that the circumstances surrounding the speech violated restrictions on political activity for tax-exempt organizations. The denomination has denied any wrongdoing.

The week before the Hartford speech Obama told an Iowa audience:

‘‘My faith teaches me that I can sit in church and pray all I want, but I won’t be fulfilling God’s will unless I go out and do the Lord’s work,’’

And again in Kentucky the following year:

On the rear of the flyer is a little homily about how Obama visited a local church one Sunday. That day Obama felt a beckoning of the Spirit and accepted Jesus Christ into his life.

On Father’s Day of 2008 Obama again campaigned in a church:

Obama headed to church this Father’s Day Sunday in his hometown of Chicago — the first time he’s been to church since he severed relations with his former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. The Obama family attended services at Chicago’s Apostolic Church of God, one of the city’s largest African American congregations and just six and a half miles from Obama’s former place of worship, Trinity Church of Christ.

Longtime church leader Bishop Arthur Brazier greeted his “good friend” warmly and touchingly noted, “[Obama] has done something [in] this country that I never thought I would live to see.” He continued, “I am filled with emotion because I have lived through some very tough times in America. But the America today is not the America of yesteryear. And I don’t think, I don’t think it behooves us well to keep talking about the past. The Apostle Paul said forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out to the things that are before.”

At the end of his speech, Obama thanked Apostolic for their hospitality and urged them to pray for him and for Michelle. The senator left the sanctuary before the actual sermon to be delivered by Bishop Brazier’s son Byron Brazier and didn’t get a chance to hear Apostolic’s prayer for him.

And thus it ought to come as no surprise that Valerie Jarrett recently took to the pulpit to campaign for Obama.

On the Sunday before the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, senior White House adviser Valerie Jarrett visited Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta to give a political speech, in support of her boss (Barack Obama) and congressional Democrats

“We all sleep a little better at night knowing Osama Bin Laden and his lieutenants are not plotting a terrorist attack against the United States,” she said, eliciting applause from the crowd.

There was also a brief jab at Republicans.

“Teachers, and firefighters, and policemen, whose jobs are now in jeopardy because congress, well let me be specific, because the Republicans in congress …”
Before she could finish her sentence, people in the congregation were laughing, and applauding.

And to top it off, the church held a voter registration following her political speech.

It was suggested that Jarrett’s speech might be in violation of IRS law:

Valerie Jarrett’s partisan speech at Atlanta’s Ebenezer Baptist Church may have violated the IRS tax rules for churches’ political activities, said a prominent free speech attorney.

“It is problematic under current regulations,” said Erik Stanley, a senior legal counsel with the Alliance Defense Fund, which is campaigning to roll back IRS curbs on believers’ speech.

And that’s before the so-called separation of church and state. Obama is abusing religion in the name of politics, not that that matters.

After all, Obama is doing the Lord’s work.

Tim Tebow has this to say about football:

“I think number one is, what my mom and dad preached to me when I was a little kid: Just because you may have athletic ability and you may be able to play a sport doesn’t make you any more special than anybody else,” Tebow said. “Doesn’t mean God loves you more than anybody else.

“We play a sport. It’s a game. At the end of the day, that’s all it is, is a game. It doesn’t make you any better or any worse than anybody else. So by winning a game, you’re no better. By losing a game, you’re no worse. I think by keeping that mentality, it really keeps things in perspective for me to treat everybody the same.”

The Broncos lost to the Patriots. Well, the vermin at Huffington Post took out the long knives for Tim Tebow again. I thought you might find interesting what many had to say.

MSMSucksCom:

Does Tebow have one of them “Jesus Fish” on his car bumper? (Out of respect for Jesus Fish, I capitalize­d it.)

I’d appreciate if TMZ or the National Enquirer could get on that, immediatel­y if not sooner. And while you are investigat­ing this, don’t forget to check inside his car. I suspect he has a Fish stuck to his dashboard too.

gfm975

I despise hypocrisy.­.. and God’s Quarterbac­k is high atop that list

NatTurner1

Sometimes its difficult for me to tell, what exactly Jesus said that today’s republican­s embrace. As a matter of fact, I cant find anything..­yet they “claim” him!

emrogers

Fox News is VERY upset. They just said Tebow lost to Tom Hussein Brady.

Bruce Forbes

Incessant displays of public piety say nothing about a person’s faith and say everything about their awareness of where the cameras are. And if Tebow’s God is so small that He/She cares about football, I want nothing to do with Him/Her.

TaylorB95

Perhaps if he spent his time on the sideline reviewing plays and strategy, instead of asking for divine interventi­on, the Broncos coulda won…

Ktbu Lfu

I guess God likes Tom Brady better.

steelej

Saturday evening, a phone rings in heaven:

(Jesus) “Daddddd!” “Phone!”

(God) “Who is it this time?”

(Jesus) “It’s that Tim guy again – he says he really needs your help.”

(God) “Jesus Christ! – uhhh, sorry son, I mean, “for My sake,” tell him to call back on Monday.”

(Jesus) “He says Monday will be too late. Look, you want me to take care of this?”

(God) “Absolutel­­y not! You know your Mother and I don’t want you performing anymore miracles until you’re at least 2100 – you know what happened last time.”

(Jesus) “Awwwww Dad, come on! I’m almost 2020!”

fapescia

I am relieved that G-d’s team lost. All the signs pointed to victory. The players should have carried a monstrance onto the field. Denver should embrace the red cross of the crusades. Ancient Torah scrolls, relics of the True Cross, the blessing of the Pope, and the prayers of a billion Christians should have guaranteed victory. This is causing me to renounce my faith.

IdeatoEmpire

Enough about a thoroughly mediocre and selfish football player who uses religion the same way the roman church does – to make $$$$.

dtrobert

So that must mean that God doesn’t exist, right? I mean, you can’t have selection bias here: what’s good for the goose must be good for the gander. Or maybe it means that Quetzalcoa­tl or Zeus is just a bigger man in the Great Beyond than bad ol’ Yahweh…

WhatWereTheyThinking

God has a sense of humor – this explains Michele Bachmann as well.

Marco Lanz

God is a patriot.

wilsoncombatgrl

Psst… God, its me, Tebow. I’d really like to see these Yankee sons of beeches get their heads handed to them on a platter next week. Brady’s wife is really hot and I would appreciate it if you would send something like that my way (virginal please…n­ot Katy Perry).

MoscowMoo

Dang, looks like Brady must pray harder than Tebow.

j0hnwi11iams

God’s own quarterbac­k crashes and burns. sniffle.

NevadaLiberal

John 1:36

“He who over useth my name, to further their own petty sporting pursuits and personal gain, will get their comeuppanc­e dealt personally by me.”

Thank you lord. For your loving but firm words. We know that you only do it to better us.

John Toth

Jesus doesn’t like suck-ups.

MoscowMoo

Guess it dawned on him that since the Patriots had completely crushed him, their god was OBVIOUSLY better than his. Or at least stronger.

ellj

Been a bad couple of weeks for God. First, his two annointed candidates­, Bachmann and Perry, get crushed, then Tebow. I’m waiting to hear who he bets on for the Super Bowl so I can take the other team.

OMG1

Let me understand this… the creator of the universe who is busy making planets, exploding supernovas­, creating quasars, busily monitoring the daily activities of billions and billions of people, whipping up fabulous days for some, scaring rednecks with tornadoes, hurricanes­, earthquake­s and other natural phenomena, punishing America for tolerance of gays with nasty weather, ignoring the desperate prayers of millions throughout the world…. has time to watch American football on earth and singles out one quarterbac­k for all his adoration and does miracles to make the football go where he intends to throw it. Hmmmmm. Think about it.

How is this any more bizarre than thinking that if you dress up in feathers and bones, sacrifice a virgin and dance in circles, an invisible being will make it rain or make you victorious in war or you will win a football game? Every study ever done shows that prayers do nothing. They have no effect on the person(s) or thing being prayed for and only makes the one praying feel better about themselves and offers those being prayed for a sense of caring from others. Tebow may have gained increased self-confi­dence from prayer but he could have been praying to anything and felt a renewed sense of purpose because he believes that is what will happen.

Maximo Ugmo

gOd “hates” ALL wanna be gOds…sHe said so.

Maximo Ugmo

I would like TeaBow to avow himself as a transgende­r-ed, homophobic­, catholic expression­istic, theocratic­, sanctimoni­ous, bloatware.­..

ChiBloger

And all is right with the world. The right wing messiah has been neutered for another game thanks to a real Quarterbac­k.

None of these knuckleheads asks why Huffington Post continues to highlight Tim Tebow. They just love to hate him.

As for Tebow- what was his reaction to the loss?

Tim Tebow, the Denver Broncos’ quarterback, said win or lose, the important thing is that he honors the Lord.

The New England Patriots crushed Denver 45-10 in Saturday’s American Football Conference division’s playoff game, which received the highest television ratings for any AFC playoff game in 18 years.

Tebow congratulated the Patriots on their victory.

“Even though you can be dejected, you can still feel hurt. You can be disappointed, but you can still honor the Lord with how you handle things,” the 24-year-old quarterback said.

Ray Lewis was involved in a murder. Plaxico Burress shot himself with an illegally held weapon. Ben Rothlisberger is accused of routinely sexual assaulting women. Then there’s Michael Vick.

A current log of crimes committed by NFL players can be seen here. And who do the inhabitants of Huffington post make the target of their hatred?

Tim Tebow is a great kid with a lot of class. Liberalism really is a mental illness.

Jan. 5, 2012

“Mitt Romney says President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian’s wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.” –Jay Leno

“A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, ‘When I’m president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.” –Conan O’Brien

“I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 6, 2012

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there’s a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men’s briefs.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you’d keep overnight for observation.” –David Letterman

“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –David Letterman

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How’s this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich’s solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul.” –Jay Leno

“I thought the prostitutes would have endorsed Mitt Romney. After all, like the girls; he changes position every hour.” –Jay Leno

“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she’s the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can’t testify against her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Jan. 9, 2012

“Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.” –David Letterman

“Don’t you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?” –David Letterman

“During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney.’ Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, ‘It was a pretty sick pass.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.” –Jay Leno

“During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways Kim Jong Un Celebrated His Birthday”

10. Enjoyed ice cream made by Kim Jong Ben and Kim Jong Jerry
9. Laid in bed, depressed, like a typical Capricorn
8. Hit Vegas with his ‘crew:’ Putin, Chavez, Ahmadinejad and Zach Galifianakis
7. Had Marilyn Monroe lookalike sing, ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. Supreme Commander of the People’s Army, brilliant comrade, and great person born of heaven’
6. After seeing how good Charles Barkley looks, joined Weight Watchers
5. Nice quiet dinner with a few close human shields
4. Caught surprise Patton Oswalt stand-up set at the Pyongyang Comedy Store
3. Watched funny videos of North Koreans crying on YouTube
2. Treated himself to a deep-tissue jowl massage
1. Executed his pastry chef for using those trick birthday candles

Jan. 10, 2012

“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America.” –David Letterman

“When Rick Perry heard that, he said, ‘Well that’s nothing. I like to execute people.’” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.” –Craig Ferguson

“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich thinks he’s the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd. He has the all-important ‘snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors’ demographic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“Word that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he’s got to find another mistress.” –Jay Leno

“While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll.’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word ‘contraception.’ I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman.” –Stephen Colbert

Jan. 11, 2012

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, ‘Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ‘ He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman finished third … and he said he’s happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it’s got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you’re saying, ‘We’re happy to be landing ahead of schedule.’” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney’s win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.” –Craig Ferguson

“The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ron Paul said he’s ‘nibbling at mitt Romney’s heels.’ At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.” –Craig Ferguson

“Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I’d vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ron Paul finished second. … Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers … and if his message continues to resonate … and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled ‘The Best President.’ Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn’t work out.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything’s all right.” –David Letterman

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney’s campaign is now two for two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two for one.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as ‘dangerous.’ Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.” –Conan O’Brien

“Nation, unless you live in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard that yesterday’s New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I’m guessing you voted for Ron Paul.” –Stephen Colbert

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