Sunday Funnies

Friday Oct 25 2013

NASA has successfully tested a broadband communications system that’s built into the lunar atmosphere explorer probe. It sends data to and from the moon at the rate of 622 megabits per second. To the moon and back in a second. In a related story, the Obamacare website is still down.

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em.

The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal.

This seems kind of insensitive, but ABC announced that they are going to make a sitcom about a man with Alzheimer’s. It’s called “I Forget How I Met Your Mother.”

Another scandal with the National Security Agency, the NSA. You know how they’ve been accused of spying on Americans? Well, it just came out that they actually spied on 35 world leaders. Yeah, it was 34 prime ministers and Oprah.

A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, “Oh man, I hope I don’t find out about this!”

A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you’re one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right.

A new survey found that nearly half of people who join Twitter never actually use it. Which explains Twitter’s new nickname: “the gym.”

Monday Oct 28 2013

According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

The White House said today that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it’s so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy’s “Gangnam Style” video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!

Have you tried to log on to the Obamacare website? It’s slow. It is slower than my watch during an interview with Paris Hilton.

The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA: It’s not so much fun when people are sneaking into YOUR computer, is it?

Halloween is Thursday. I love Halloween. You open the door, and there are strangers in masks. Good idea.

Kanye West went to a baseball stadium in San Francisco with Kim Kardashian, and he popped the question right there. He said to her, “Why are you famous?”

Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!

Today Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, “Could you start early?”

It’s great to be back. We had reruns last week. No, what are they called? Encore presentations.

Last week I was in Canada. I was doing stand-up and solving crimes. Actually, there’s no crime in Canada.

Two American icons celebrate birthdays today. The Statue of Liberty turns 127 years old. And Bruce Jenner, who of course is also 127 years old.

The Statue of Liberty and Bruce Jenner are very different, of course. One is made of copper and steel and needs constant work done to prevent it from crumbling and cracking — and the other one’s the Statue of Liberty.

There are new reports that the NSA has been monitoring communications of 35 leaders. Germany’s Angela Merkel is one of our closest allies and she is not happy about this. She called President Obama to give him an earful — and it takes a lot to get those ears full.

If the NSA agents are like most men they were probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway.

They ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into phone calls and put them to work fixing HealthCare.gov. We need to reallocate our nerds.

Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN’T listen to is President Obama.

The U.S. has been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel for more than 10 years. Merkel actually called Obama to say that eavesdropping on allies “is not acceptable.” Then Obama said, “Yeah, well that’s not what you said to England.”

Halloween is just a couple of days away. A new survey found that 10 percent of Americans actually plan on wearing a costume to work for Halloween. Because if there’s anything better than getting fired on Halloween, it’s getting fired by a clown.

One poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.

Tuesday Oct 29 2013

Just when you thought the state of American healthcare couldn’t get any worse, Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson’s doctor, has been released from jail.

For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing.

There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered.

Have you tried to get on the Obamacare website? Oh, it is slow! It is so slow that by the time you sign up for Obamacare you’ll be eligible for Medicare. It’s slower than a ticket scalper at a Jacksonville Jaguars game.

All week we’re celebrating 20 years of being on late-night TV. This week we celebrate 20 years of jokes and 20 years of Andy Richter’s fake laughing.

We are posting online many of our rare or never-before-seen clips from the show’s past 20 years. You can see them online but if you really want a laugh, go to HealthCare.gov. That’s where the good chuckles are.

It has been 20 years on the air and everyone in my family is very emotional. My dad called me this morning and he told me something he has never said to me before. He said, “Son, we don’t have cable TV.” I wept for an hour.

Guess who’s out of prison? Dr. Conrad Murray. He was sentenced to four years in prison, and he served only two years. But he had to serve his time in the prison waiting room.

Dr. Conrad Murray wants his license back. I mean, honest to God, that’s like giving a Kardashian a marriage license.

President Obama’s Facebook account was hacked. It was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army. When Obama found out about this, he said, “Can you guys fix the Obamacare website?”

The Jonas Brothers have broken up. Thanks a lot, Yoko.

Bob Barker will appear on “The Price Is Right” to mark his 90th birthday. Bob said he’ll do something he should have been done long ago — spay and neuter Drew Carey.

President Obama is still in trouble for this spying stuff. You can tell he is getting tired of talking about this scandal. Today he said, “Anyone want to talk about my birth certificate?”

Obama is also being criticized for the Obamacare website. You know what’s wrong with that website? A lot of the people trying to sign up for Obamacare are elderly. So you’ve already lost them at “website.”

The Jonas Brothers have broken up. The music industry is in mourning. It’s kind of like when the Beatles announced they were breaking up — minus the part where people gave a crap.

The Red Sox are up 3-2 in the World Series with the last two games at home in Boston. Cardinals fans are not feeling good, but it ain’t over until the lady who is actually a healthy weight but made to feel fat adhering to impossible standards set by advertisers sings.

As baseball wraps up, a new NBA season tips off. It’s the special time when we have baseball, football, and basketball at the same time — the holy trinity of ignoring our families.

Tonight the Lakers played the Clippers. Here’s an interesting fact: When L.A. basketball teams play each other, a new baby Kardashian is born.

According to the National Retail Federation, around 158 million people will celebrate Halloween in the United States this year, down from 170 million last year. How does the National Retail Federation know this? I don’t know if I am going to celebrate Halloween — but they do?

Krispy Kreme says it will give a free doughnut to any customer who shows up wearing a costume on Halloween. So if you’re the kind of person willing to take the time to dress up in a costume just to get a free doughnut, then yes, you’ve hit rock bottom.

A new study found that eating pasta can actually cause depression. Though not as much as that other thing — dressing up like Batman to get a free doughnut.

Americans are expected to spend more than $2 billion on Halloween candy this year. And those Americans are Honey Boo Boo and Mama June.

A blooper reel from the original “Star Wars” movies was leaked online this week. That’s right — a series of embarrassing “Star Wars” mistakes caught on film. Or as fans call that: the last three “Star Wars” movies.

Wednesday Oct 30 2013

It’s really trick-or-treat time at the White House. President Obama tricked us into thinking we’d be able to afford treatment.

Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.” The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.

A lot of people are accusing the president of being less than truthful. In fact, a couple of weeks ago President Obama called me and told me personally that if I like my current job, I can keep my current job. And I believed him!

The president said he didn’t know that we were spying on our allies. He didn’t know about the problems with the healthcare website. Have you heard the latest? Now the president claims he doesn’t know how “Breaking Bad” ended.

Scientists from New Zealand have discovered a new species of dolphin. They say it’s delicious.

They say this New Zealand dolphin is very smart. The dolphin actually predicted that the Jonas Brothers would split up.

Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It’s impossible, and everybody’s furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won’t get started.

At the Domino’s website you can track the progress of your pizza. That’s fine. That’s running perfectly. No problems there. But you can’t get healthcare.

Halloween’s eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That’s great, just what teenagers need — another excuse to be jerks.

Some grocery stores refuse to sell eggs to teenagers on mischief night. Isn’t that terrible? It makes me feel bad for well-behaved kids just looking to make an omelet.

One of the big mischief things is writing on people’s cars with soap. I always think that’s hilarious. So let me give you the address of Jay Leno.

You know who’s known for playing pranks? George Clooney. He pulls pranks on movie sets. He played one on me once. It’s a true story. Back in 2007, I actually paid 10 bucks to see “Oceans 13.” You got me, George!

Tickets for tonight’s World Series game cost more than any baseball tickets in history. The average price was $2,000. So you could sell your car to buy a couple or grow a disgusting beard and pretend you are on the Red Sox and sneak in.

The Cardinals were very late getting into Boston last night. A mechanical problem delayed their flight for six hours and they didn’t get in until 11 p.m. Ironically, the team named after a bird had trouble flying.

If the Cardinals win tonight, Game 7 will be on Halloween. How great would it be if the players dressed up for Halloween? Imagine seeing Batman hit a home run off Frankenstein.

Halloween is tomorrow night, and a woman from North Dakota says she’s planning on giving overweight trick-or-treaters a letter explaining that sugar is bad for them — instead of giving them candy. Then those kids will hand HER a letter saying, “Toilet paper or eggs?”

Wal-Mart just announced that it is giving 25,000 employees a promotion. Wal-Mart employees said, “You mean we get to go work at Target?”

Wal-Mart will promote 25,000 of its employees, which means they’re getting more responsibilities. In fact, greeters will also get to say “goodbye.”

A new study found that 30 percent of Americans admit to getting most of their news on Facebook. You can tell news anchors are trying to compete with Facebook because tonight Brian Williams’ top story was just a picture of his cat.

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