Sunday Funnies

Friday Oct 18 2013

The United States government is back in business. Congress got together and ended the shutdown. Boy, that was easy.

I am really glad the shutdown is over. I’ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

Scientists indicate that Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack in the world. That’s what scientists have come up with. They’re spending our scientific dollars — nothing yet on cancer, but Oreo cookies are the most addictive snack.

If you get addicted to Oreo cookies, you don’t go to Betty Ford. You go to Betty Crocker.

Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they’ve got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They’re a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It’s called “Escape From Assisted Living.”

There is a big movie opening today. I’m very excited about it. It’s called “Escape Plan.” It stars Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, the two biggest Hollywood tough guys — of 1988.

Hopefully, “Escape Plan” has subtitles.

“Escape Plan” was directed by a guy from Sweden. He originally wanted a Swedish action star to be in the movie. Who would that be? Harrison Fjord?

The Swedish director ended up casting Arnold because he knew Arnold could fill theaters. And that’s just with his illegitimate kids.

There’s going to be a Broadway musical version of Stallone’s “Rocky.” Apparently, the “Rocky” musical is playing in Germany right now, and it’s doing very well. But in Germany, instead of “Yo, Adrian,” Rocky says, “Papers please, Adrian.”

Monday Oct 21 2013

It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor — not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.

The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he’s bringing in “the best and the brightest” to solve the problem. Why didn’t he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.

The president said, “There’s no sugarcoating the problems with the healthcare website.” See, that’s a mistake. We’re Americans, we love sugarcoating. If you sugarcoat something, Americans will buy it. In fact, sugar is the reason we have Obamacare in the first place.

Only in America can you be broke and get fatter. You know why? Because we sugarcoat everything.

President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn’t-think-this-through.

As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, “How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?”

Due to system failure today, many people were unable to update their Facebook status. Incidentally, for the several hours Facebook was down we were actually competitive with China.

Here in California over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Apparently she did this in the New Releases section.

Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: “Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.”

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: “Hello and welcome to Healthcare.gov, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.”

It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?

Facebook had a major outage this morning. Users around the world experienced a variety of problems. Some couldn’t log in, some couldn’t upload photos. I was trying to find actually babies and sunsets to look at.

The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.

There are reports that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg recently bought the four houses around his home so that he could have extra privacy. He is going to be so peeved when somebody tells him about curtains.

Last week North Korea unveiled a new government-owned water park. There are differences between an American water park and a North Korean water park. In America, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can’t ride a slide. In North Korea, if you’re less than four feet tall, you can run the country.

A new study found that ancient cave art from 40,000 years ago was mostly done by women. So even back then men didn’t have a say in decorating.

Tuesday Oct 22 2013

A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join al-Qaida. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.

Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.

Here’s my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.

Yesterday at the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that’s under the good coverage of Obamacare — where you’re actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.

The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets.

Over the weekend a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. Out of habit the parents briefly looked over the newborn baby and then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon.

Former Vice President Al Gore is here tonight to talk some sense into us about climate change. My prediction: He will fail. Maybe if climate was spelled with a “k” like Kardashian, we would pay attention. It isn’t, so we don’t.

There’s a lot of talk about how global warming will be a disaster for future generations. When you think about it, it’s hard to care. What have these future generations ever done for us?

In San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new products. Apple said, “This iPad is the fastest and most vivid way to not be able to log on to the Obamacare website.”

The new iPad will be available on November 1. And it is important that you get it right away. Otherwise you could be mistaken for a homeless person and restaurants will refuse to seat you.

They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can’t use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, “Look who’s come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine.”

The country’s unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website.

A woman in California gave birth to a baby boy last Friday while she was in a Barnes & Noble bookstore. They made her do it on the “New Arrivals” table.

In pop music news, the band One Direction released a 16-second clip of their newest song, “Story of My Life.” Yeah, just 16 seconds. But in their defense, that’s about how long it takes to tell the story of their life.

Wednesday Oct 23 2013

The Obama administration has now asked Verizon to help fix the Obamacare website. Verizon wasn’t the president’s first choice. He initially reached out to T-Mobile, but they dropped the call.

Consumer Reports is now recommending that people sit back and wait a few weeks until the government fixes the problems. Really, a few weeks? When was the last time the government fixed anything in a few weeks? We still have troops in Korea, OK?

A new book claims that John F. Kennedy’s brain was stolen by his brother Bobby. That seems almost unbelievable, doesn’t it? — that there was once a time in this country when politicians actually had brains worth stealing.

The Dodgers manager, Don Mattingly, said that just because he has a contract and took his team to first place in their division doesn’t mean he’ll be back next year. Hey, tell me about it!

Despite all of the website problems, the approval rating for Obamacare has gone up. Unfortunately, I can’t give you the exact number because it’s listed on the Obamacare website.

Pope Francis suspended a bishop for spending too much on home renovations. The Pope caught the bishop filming an episode of “Flip This Church.”

A new study says that due to debt, 20-somethings will retire 12 years later than their parents do. When they heard this, 20-somethings said, “Retire from what?”

Today the city of Detroit went before a judge to prove it is eligible for bankruptcy. Yeah, all they did was walk into a Detroit courtroom and point out the window.

Halloween is just over a week away now. When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are: “disappointment-sized.”

Market research released a list of America’s favorite Halloween candies. No. 1 is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Can’t argue with that. This year’s least favorite candy — Lentil M&M’s.

Despite our love of candy and fast food, the number of Americans who will live to be 100 years or older will increase dramatically. In 2010 there were 53,000 centenarians in the United States, and I have driven behind every single one.

If you hit 110 years old, you become what now is labeled as a super-centenarian. Should we be putting the word “super” in front of someone who has no powers at all?

The Obamacare website has all these glitches and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to completely start over and redesign the whole website from scratch. While the guys from the Geek Squad said, “Turn it off, wait five seconds, and then plug it back in.”

Only 12 percent of Americans think the rollout of Obamacare is going well, while 100 percent of Republicans think the rollout of Obamacare is going GREAT.

With all the trouble with the Obamacare website, 12 percent of Americans actually think it’s going well. Then people waiting for healthcare said, “Can you share some of the drugs you’re on with the rest of us?”

Here’s some more news out of Washington. The White House has fired one of its national security officials for setting up an anonymous Twitter account that was leaking internal information. President Obama called the invasion of privacy “unacceptable,” while Americans called it “karma.”

Thursday Oct 24 2013

People have been speculating lately about what President Obama will do when he leaves office in 2016. The one thing I think we can safely rule out — website designer.

Some marketing experts are comparing the Obamacare website rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke. But they are making progress. They said today that if you find yourself getting too frustrated trying to log on, they’ve added a link to a suicide hot line.

What the president should do is put the NSA in charge of the website. That way there’s nothing to fill out. They already have all our information. You just put your name in.

Saudi Arabia is now threatening to sever diplomatic ties with the United States over Syria. I hope that doesn’t cause them to do something drastic, you know, like overcharge us for oil.

There’s been a lot of speculation but now it’s clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort to appear presidential, today Biden launched a website that doesn’t work.

One of the contractors who built the Obamacare website testified before Congress today. You can tell he built the site because any time they would ask a question, he would freeze.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said the U.S. would have to regain her trust after the NSA eavesdropped on her cellphone. You know things are bad when we’re being accused of having boundary issues by Germany.

Last night was game one of the World Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and Boston Red Sox. I’ll tell you one thing: These players need to shave. If I want to see a bunch of bearded men battling for a ring, I will watch “The Hobbit.”

YouTube has an interesting new way of making money. They are allowing users who have 10,000 subscribers to set up their own paid YouTube channels. My one complaint about YouTube has always been that it’s free.

Yesterday Pakistan’s Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was in the Oval Office to meet with Obama and Joe Biden. Obama said, “It’s an honor to have you here,” while Biden said, “Hello, I’m not supposed to talk.”

There’s talk that Apple is getting ready to stop making the iPod now that users can listen to music on their phones. Yeah, they say the product is quickly becoming dated and obsolete — and then RadioShack said, “We’ll take a billion of ’em!”

A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown’s effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.”

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