Sunday Funnies

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Monday Aug 26 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

But it’s not all bad news for the former San Diego mayor. Today Bob Filner was offered a new job as a TSA agent at the airport. So, you fly often, do you?

So New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. Which is pretty smart, because at that rate, he won’t be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013.

The NFL is now cracking down on what they call excessive celebration, like when a player is found not guilty and does that little dance in the courtroom. OK, that’s 15 yards now.

Pepsi has introduced a new snack food called Pepsi-flavored Cheetos. I mean, who is this for? On-the-go stoners who don’t have time to eat both?

Pepsi and Cheetos? Really? Are we that lazy now we have to combine the snack and the drink together? Is the Pepsi can too heavy? Oh, it’s too heavy, getting carpal tunnel bringing it up here.

Late Show with David Letterman

When Batman fans heard Ben Affleck is going to be the new Batman, they went crazy and petitioned the White House to get rid of Ben Affleck, do something! Nothing, however, about getting rid of the goon running the show in Syria. But Ben Affleck has got to go!

Donald Trump and Trump University have been sued by the New York attorney general for running an unlicensed university. They said “It’s illegal. Your university is just like that thing on your head. They’re both unlicensed.”

Do you think Donald Trump’s own kids when to Trump University? No! His kids went to that fly-by-night diploma mill, the Wharton School of Business.

New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend — not to be confused with his campaign. That’s a train wreck. And today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo.

Tuesday Aug 27 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it’s not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me.

I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn’t a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama’s birth certificate.

The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn’t act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do.

The owner of a grocery store who named a store after Alex Rodriguez now wants to change his store’s public image. He’s looking for a new name for the store. Why? Keep the same name. Just turn it into a drugstore.

Late Show with David Letterman

Miley Cyrus has been granted asylum in Russia. That’s what I heard.

You see Miley Sunday night on the VMA thing, the MTV show? The White House is considering military intervention.

Every time you watch this show, it’s worth eight credits at Dave Letterman University.

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.

Wednesday Aug 28 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Vice President Joe Biden said today that “Syria must be held accountable.” Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

The secretary of the treasury told Congress that we will be out of money by October. And of course a lot of Americans are shocked by this. Didn’t you think we were already out of money?

The treasury secretary said we will be out of money by October. Here’s my question. What happened to all that money we gave them last April 15, huh?

Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.

Late Show with David Letterman

U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. It’s going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with.

They’re saying now that the war against Syria will last no more than two days. It’s going to be a two-day war. You know what that means? We’ll be there for another 10 years.

The attorney general of New York is saying that the Trump University is a fake. They say that it’s fraudulent. If you’re thinking of going to Trump University, it’s easy to get into. All you have to have is a birth certificate and you get right in.

We had some trouble with one of our boats down in the harbor. One of the ferries that takes you down to Liberty Island crashed. The pilot apparently ignored warnings of giant statues in the area.

Thursday Aug 29 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Banner

Ben Affleck is the new Batman. And Miley Cyrus is apparently the new Lindsay Lohan.

People are still talking about that over-the-top Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAs last Sunday. Why couldn’t Kanye West interrupt that?

John Kerry said it’s “undeniable” that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, “Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.”

Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees’ same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!

Late Show with David Letterman

Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it’s a fraudulent operation. Here’s all I know. It’s the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping.

You know you are not at a top-rank university if the professor has a tip jar on his desk.

The Kardashian family — looks like now another marriage may be in trouble. They’re saying now that Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are having marital problems. And the state department says its warships are already rushing to the area.

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