Sunday Funnies

Friday Jul 26 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.

In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we’ve all been distracted by phony scandals. It’s time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery.

The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent.

The Lincoln Memorial was vandalized last night. Somebody snuck in the Lincoln Memorial and threw green paint all over Lincoln. How is that even possible? I mean, 148 years later this guy still can’t get any security? Come on.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There is a big movie opening today — “Wolverine.” Hugh Jackman is a guy with sharp nails who’ll tear apart any man who crosses his path. I’m not sure what he does in the movie.

I’m a big fan of Wolverine, and the other X-Men too. I can name them all. Wolverine, Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Storm, Rogue, Sugar Bear, Pumpkin, Chickadee, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo.

In the comics, Wolverine is a Canadian citizen who worked for the Canadian government. I love the thought of a Canadian superhero. They should have called him Captain Hockey. Or The Lone Bieber.

In the new movie, Wolverine goes to Japan. Over in Japan, they don’t call him Wolverine, of course. They call him “Big Fuzzy-Head Man.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it’s a minor setback, while the guy in third said, “Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?”

Weiner is in second place. He is no longer in the lead. And it gets worse when you hear the guy in first place is Carlos Danger.

President Obama’s got a big retreat coming up. He invited all his Cabinet members to Camp David. Unfortunately, Joe Biden couldn’t make the retreat because he’s in Asia. That’s because Obama told him the retreat was in Asia.

Monday Jul 29 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In Oregon a guy tried to rob a gun store with a baseball bat. They’re calling it the most ineffective use of a bat since the Miami Marlins.

Things are not looking good for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. It looks like he may spend the rest of his life in jail. On the plus side, Hernandez says he’s looking forward to playing on the prison football team under coach Whitey Bulger.

Speaking of prison, OJ Simpson is supposedly up to around 300 pounds. In fact, OJ is now the leading cause of prison overcrowding.

OJ is so fat, he’s asking for the death penalty just so he can get the last meal.

Conan

In Brazil, 3 million people attended the Pope’s mass. The Pope attributed the huge turnout to his opening act, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He tours with them wherever he goes.

Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.

The inventor of the world’s first artificial test-tube hamburger said that “It looks, feels, and hopefully tastes like meat.” He was immediately sued by Arby’s for stealing their slogan.

Late Show with David Letterman

Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That’s what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio.

The new blockbuster movie, “The Wolverine,” stars Hugh Jackman, and he’s pumped up. To get all buffed out, he had to consume 6,000 calories a day. Hearing this, the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, said “Oh, yeah? Then what did you have for dinner?”

The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love.

Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

A lot of people in their 30s get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

In the 1990s we had “That ’70s Show,” set in the 1970s. The 1970s had “Happy Days” set in the 1950s. And the 1950s had shows set in the 1930s. We had “Here Comes Hitler Boo Boo,” “Live with Regis and Herbert Hoover,” and “Real Housewives of the Great Depression.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Pope Francis said something surprising today. Pope Francis says he’s going to start fighting in MMA events.

Actually the Pope said he has no problem with priests who are gay. He said if someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? It’s the same reason he turned down the vacant judge job on “Project Runway.”

Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest.

Neil Patrick Harris is here tonight. He hosted the Tonys this year. He’s hosting the Emmys in September. Who knows? Maybe he’ll finish this show for me tonight.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It’s been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner’s newest scandal. And it’s tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they’re like, “I’m not opening that.”

This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, “What kind of person quits because of something like that?” Then voters said, “Ideally? You.”

I read that 25 percent of toddlers in America know how to use an iPad — while 100 percent of toddlers in China know how to make one.

There’s talk that HBO is actually running out of story ideas for “Game of Thrones” because the author hasn’t finished the final two books in the series. That’s when you know books are hurting — when even the guy writing them is like, “Ahh, I’ll just watch the TV show.”

Tuesday Jul 30 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn’t really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.

Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It’s because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across.

Seven women have come forward to say they’ve been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it’s a 12-step program. Here’s a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women.

NFL training camps opened last week. Players said it’s nice to be under the lights again — besides the one in the interrogation rooms.

Conan

Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel OWN has finally turned a profit. Thank God we no longer have to worry about how Oprah is going to make ends meet.

A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.

Today after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and Palestinians. No, wait. I’m sorry. This cue card is from 1979. And 1984. And 1988.

Late Show with David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66 years old today. That’s according to records kept by Jane Goodall.

Arnold is not from the United States, as you all know. He was born on Skull Island.

Private Bradley Manning called WikiLeaks and turned over a million documents, and then he was found not guilty of leaking. He was delighted so he celebrated with his brothers, Eli and Peyton.

Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has now gone on record as saying that Anthony Weiner is not fit to be mayor. Well, that’s good enough for me. That’s all I needed to hear.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families.

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was “strudel.”

The German baby is so fat that when he wears blue, people think he is the sky.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

One of the women with whom Anthony Weiner had an online relationship, a 23-year-old vixen named Sidney Leathers, is so embarrassed that she stripped down to a bikini photo for the New York Post. The photo was exclusive — because nobody else showed up to photograph her.

I feel like this Sidney Leathers is every woman rolled into one large, disturbing package of tattoos.

Anthony Weiner’s wife is Huma, and you know, when you get married you swear to love each other for better or worse, and this is worse. In fact, it couldn’t be much worse.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — “Anyone else but Weiner.”

Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something “mentally wrong” with Anthony Weiner. He said, “That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”

A new study says it’s harder to sleep when there’s a full moon. I sleep just fine when there’s a full moon. When I wake up, my clothes are torn and about seven people are dead, but other than that I sleep fantastic.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, “What am I supposed to do? He’s president.”

Tuesday Jul 30 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn’t really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.

Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It’s because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across.

Seven women have come forward to say they’ve been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it’s a 12-step program. Here’s a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women.

NFL training camps opened last week. Players said it’s nice to be under the lights again — besides the one in the interrogation rooms.

Conan

Oprah Winfrey’s TV channel OWN has finally turned a profit. Thank God we no longer have to worry about how Oprah is going to make ends meet.

A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.

Today after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and Palestinians. No, wait. I’m sorry. This cue card is from 1979. And 1984. And 1988.

Late Show with David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66 years old today. That’s according to records kept by Jane Goodall.

Arnold is not from the United States, as you all know. He was born on Skull Island.

Private Bradley Manning called WikiLeaks and turned over a million documents, and then he was found not guilty of leaking. He was delighted so he celebrated with his brothers, Eli and Peyton.

Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has now gone on record as saying that Anthony Weiner is not fit to be mayor. Well, that’s good enough for me. That’s all I needed to hear.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families.

Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was “strudel.”

The German baby is so fat that when he wears blue, people think he is the sky.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

One of the women with whom Anthony Weiner had an online relationship, a 23-year-old vixen named Sidney Leathers, is so embarrassed that she stripped down to a bikini photo for the New York Post. The photo was exclusive — because nobody else showed up to photograph her.

I feel like this Sidney Leathers is every woman rolled into one large, disturbing package of tattoos.

Anthony Weiner’s wife is Huma, and you know, when you get married you swear to love each other for better or worse, and this is worse. In fact, it couldn’t be much worse.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — “Anyone else but Weiner.”

Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something “mentally wrong” with Anthony Weiner. He said, “That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’”

A new study says it’s harder to sleep when there’s a full moon. I sleep just fine when there’s a full moon. When I wake up, my clothes are torn and about seven people are dead, but other than that I sleep fantastic.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, “What am I supposed to do? He’s president.”

Wednesday Jul 31 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab! TMZ’s reporting that she’ll spend a few days with a sober coach. Might I suggest she also see a stay-out-of-court coach, a don’t-steal coach, a career coach — and most of all, a driving coach, OK?

Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that’s what the Tony Awards are for.

The Discovery Channel had a fascinating show about ants. Did you know an ant can lift 20 times its own weight? It used to be only five times its own weight, but then Alex Rodriguez told them about a clinic in Florida.

Rumor is that Alex Rodriguez may soon be facing a serious penalty for steroid use — either a lifetime ban from the sport or a trade to the Houston Astros.

Conan

A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, “The important thing is I haven’t lost my phone.”

A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world’s three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you’re done. No competition.

Nevada’s parole board said O.J. Simpson could be granted early parole. O.J. said he’s looking forward to getting out and showing today’s NFL players how to REALLY murder someone.

Al-Qaida announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time.

Late Show with David Letterman

The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There’s one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it.

The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it.

We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City.

The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, “Let he who is without sin cast the first musical.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

This is night three of beard week. It is a great tradition that dates back to the last time I didn’t feel like shaving.

I hate shaving. Do you realize when you shave you put a razor blade on your face and everything is scraped off?

What maniac started the idea of shaving? Who decided we should leave the eyebrows alone?

Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Anthony Weiner campaign’s communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he’d take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to.

I don’t know if I believe this or not, but there’s this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, “It’s true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers.”

Time Warner announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year. They say they would’ve done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.

The producers of the next “Star Wars” movie say they will avoid using CGI as much as possible so the film looks more realistic. That’s good because whenever I watch aliens and robots fighting with lasers, my first reaction is, “Hmmmm, seems pretty fake.”

Thursday Aug 01 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

More problems for America’s creepiest mayor, San Diego’s Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would’ve come forward sooner but the line was too long.

Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it’s only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time.

In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever — this is real — Filner’s lawyer said if there’s any liability, it’s the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!

It is not looking good for Alex Rodriguez. There’s a good chance he could be banned from baseball for life. How good? He got 2-to-1 odds from Pete Rose.

Conan

Major League Baseball said that on Friday it will announce which players they’re penalizing for steroid use. So far the rumor is . . . all of them.

An NFL player is in big trouble for making a comment at a country music concert that’s offensive to black people. His comment was, “I enjoy country music.”

In a recent interview, Katy Perry revealed that she would like to become a serious actress. She then did a monologue from “Macbeth” in a bra made of ice cream.

Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. You just log on to Facebook and click on the “I’m wasting my life” button.

Late Show with David Letterman

The big “Smurfs” movie sequel is out. It’s cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, “Who am I to judge them?”

Lindsey Lohan got out of rehab, and she wants to move to New York City. Authorities are advising citizens to stay indoors.

Lindsey Lohan has been in rehab. This is her sixth visit. You know what that means. The next one is free.

Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw giant sugary drinks. He wanted to try to force a ban on sugary sodas and they overturned it. That’s fine, but what about a ban on texting while you’re running for mayor? Why can’t we get a ban on that?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The X Games start today in L.A. Everyone’s excited about the X Games, except Larry King. He thought it was a convention for his previous wives.

President Obama is going to appear on “The Tonight Show” with Jay Leno. That’s going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama.

In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain’s getting old. He also said he’d consider voting for oatmeal.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population. What they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. I don’t know how you can go home if you’re homeless.

How can you even tell who is homeless in Hawaii? No one wears shoes.

If you’re homeless, the state will pay for your plane ticket and transportation to the airport. The hard part is trying to get the shopping cart in the overhead compartment.

If homeless people don’t want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. That is just what the cruise industry needs — “Now with homeless people.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, “Anything but Cinnabon.”

Congress has a month-long vacation coming up, but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people, and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.

It’s rumored that AMC’s show “The Walking Dead” is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That’s right, a drooling, hungry creature that can’t talk or listen to reason — most people just call that “a baby.”

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