Sunday Funnies

Friday Jul 12 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

U.S. immigration authorities have begun flying deportees deep into Mexico in an effort to discourage them from returning. It’s not working out well. What happens is they fly down to Mexico and then use their frequent-flier miles to get a free flight back to San Diego.

The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong.

According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you’re taking it in brownie form.

The latest guy in the NFL to get arrested is New England Patriots’ cornerback Alfonzo Dennard. He was arrested again, this time for a DUI. So at least Aaron Hernandez will have somebody to play catch with.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Richard Simmons is 65 today. For some reason, middle-aged women love Richard Simmons. He is so beloved by middle-aged women, they recently made him an honorary cat.

Richard Simmons’ “Sweating to the Oldies” was unique because he had real people in it, not models. Personally, when I want to see real people exercise, I go to the gym and stare at people. They call me the stare master.

Richard Simmons is 65 today. He’s now officially an oldie you can sweat to.

In 2004 a man who said he was slapped by Richard Simmons actually filed charges. What kind of a man says he got beat up by Richard Simmons? A man who wants money! Admitting to getting beaten up by Richard Simmons is like saying you got beat up by an Olsen twin.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, “What’s it like being the most powerful person in the world?” And Obama was like, “I dunno. Ask Beyonce.”

Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there’s one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it’s hire people on Craigslist.

The average price for a One Direction concert ticket has climbed to $674. Which is why I usually just wear a shirt that says “Security.”

Monday Jul 15 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress.

President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it’s one thing to lie to the voters, but when you’re lying to kids, come on.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden says he may seek asylum in Russia. Well, he should really love the freedom and openness of that society.

In a landmark legal case, the Iowa Supreme Court has ruled a dentist could legally fire his female assistant because he found her too sexy and a threat to his marriage. You can be fired for being too sexy. I’ll bet that’s what happened to me here at NBC.

Conan

The royal baby is due today. Kate Middleton and Prince William are expecting the baby any minute now. The royals say they don’t care what gender it is as long as it’s healthy enough to never work a day in its life.

The royal baby’s got it sweet. It’s going to be born, realize who it is, and go, “Oh, yeah!”

The American version of royalty is back. That’s right. Twinkies.

Twinkies are back on the shelves. And get this: People are complaining that they’re smaller. Ironically, the people complaining about it are NOT smaller.

Late Show with David Letterman

It’s crazy hot outside. I’ll give you an example. Remember Joey Chestnut, the competitive eating champion who recently ate 106 hot dogs in a minute? It was so hot today that he ate 68 Dove bars.

Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, wants asylum in Venezuela. He also wants to be able to have summer asylum in the Hamptons.

Baseball’s All-Star Game will be right here in New York City today. Nothing is more exciting than watching overpaid players give 50 percent.

In this year’s All-Star Game, the players’ wives get to bat.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Britain is in a heightened state of alert. Right now they’re in royal baby watch. Yes, everyone’s on the lookout for the helpless little bald creature that will someday become the most powerful person in England. But enough about Prince Charles.

William’s brother, Prince Harry, is said to be very excited. He’ll be an uncle for the first time. And he will no longer be the only one running around in the royal palace naked.

Queen Elizabeth is also on pins and needles. Who can blame her? It’s been 120 years since a British monarch has been alive for the birth of a great, great grandchild — or as Prince Charles noted, it’s been 120 years, five months, three days, and 15 hours.

Doctors have warned that the birth could be very painful because there’s a 1 in 4 chance it’s going to have Prince Charles’ ears.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Twinkies went back on sale for the first time in eight months. Twinkies are back. Grocery stores are calling it a good day for business, while Spanx is calling it a GREAT day for business.

New York City is all excited. We got the All-Star Game. I found out a ticket is $859. Or as fans call that, still cheaper than a hot dog.

$859 is a lot of money for an All-Star Game ticket. Or as the fathers hoping for a bonding experience with their sons put it, “You like the zoo, right?”

President Obama just called Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss NSA leaker Edward Snowden, who’s been living in Moscow at the airport. Obama asked that Snowden be sent back to the U.S., and in return Putin asked for a case of Twinkies.

Tuesday Jul 16 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for asylum in Russia, but Vladimir Putin is against it. You know, if Snowden really wants to stay in Russia he should just speak out against Putin. He’ll get to stay in Russia the rest of his life.

We are proud to say that Los Angeles has one of the lowest crime rates of any major city. You know why? We don’t have an NFL team.

As you may have heard, 34 NFL players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, most NFL instant replays are now just playbacks of strip club security-camera footage.

Conan

Millions of Americans await the return of the Twinkie. Meanwhile, millions of British citizens await the arrival of the royal baby. Basically we’re both waiting for something that’s long, soft, and will probably last 80 years.

McDonald’s plans to open its first restaurant in Vietnam. So it looks like we might win that war after all.

Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, “Let me know how that works out for you.”

It’s rumored the new play station controller will measure the degree to which you are sweating. In response, gamers asked, “What’s sweating?”

Late Show with David Letterman

Twinkies are back. The Twinkies are healthier now. The version that you can buy now are free-range Twinkies.

You can get the Twinkies at your favorite supermarket or wherever you buy sponge rubber and foam insulation products.

Earlier tonight here in New York City was the baseball midsummer classic, the All-Star Game. It’s illegal in baseball to use performance-enhancing drugs, but I watched the All-Star Game. Every commercial was for Viagra.

During the All-Star Game my son said, “Dad, did he say ‘reptile dysfunction’? And I said, “Yeah, he did. They’re talking about malfunctioning reptiles.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Robert Galbraith’s novel “The Cuckoo’s Calling” has become an overnight best-seller. Robert Galbraith is a pen name for J.K. Rowling, who is the author of the “Harry Potter” books. She says she used the alias to avoid the connotations that come with her real name. That’s something to keep in mind for your next cookbook, Paula Deen.

There’s going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don’t even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they’ve got great shows, like “Barks & Recreation” and “Game of Bones.”

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Six employees at L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai hospital have been fired for snooping through Kim Kardashian’s medical records. Kim was upset. She said it was an invasion of her privacy, and all three of her cameramen agreed.

Pope Francis is on summer vacation right now and apparently he’s been spotted driving around in a Ford Focus. So I guess he takes that vow of celibacy very seriously.

Russian President, Vladimir Putin rode a submarine to the bottom of the ocean to look at the remains of an old shipwreck. And also because “SpongeBob knows too much.”

Wednesday Jul 17 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Britain’s parliament has passed a bill that would allow gay marriage. How about that? For the first time they are allowing gay marriage. If you thought royal weddings were big, just wait until the first gay royal wedding. Oh, my God. How fabulous will that be?

NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for temporary asylum in Russia. Apparently, he didn’t want anyone to know, but somehow the story leaked out.

Researchers studying pictures of prehistoric cave drawings now theorize that most of the drawings were done by people under the influence of mind-altering drugs. Hence the term “stone age.”

CBS is calling this week’s episode of “Big Brother” the most controversial episode in 15 seasons. This is “Big Brother’s” 15th season. Seems like just yesterday I didn’t watch the first five seasons.

Conan

Today the Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she’s more or less been on vacation since 1952.

The Pope said something crazy. The Pope is offering time off from purgatory for anyone who follows him on Twitter. He also said it’s cool for Catholics to have premarital sex as long as they like his Facebook page.

It’s been revealed that the iPhone will not autocorrect the word “marijuana.” Yeah, that explains why the other night Snoop Dogg was delivered a package of marinara.

A former NFL player was arrested for leaving a toddler in his car while he went to a strip club. But today the NFL commissioner said, “I prefer to think of this as the story of a player who still has custody of his child and didn’t murder anyone.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Did you enjoy the baseball All-Star Game last night? A very exciting game. The first ball, of course, was thrown out by Florida juror B-37.

How about that Mariano Rivera? What a career this guy has had — participating in his final All-Star Game, retiring at the end of the season, going out at the top of his game. By God, you won’t see me doing that.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden is living at the Moscow airport. He’s been there for about a month. He’s scorned with no home to call his own. No safe harbor. It’s like being an old George Clooney girlfriend.

Edward Snowden’s been at the airport close to two months. And here’s how he stays in shape. He goes jogging every day on the baggage carousel.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, “YES!” And people in San Francisco are like, “Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you.”

There was a guy caught on the Mexican border with $128,000 in his socks. The guy is kind of stupid, though. The Border Patrol asked, “Why did you stick all the money in your socks?” He said, “Because I’m using my rectum for drugs.”

Kate Middleton is now four days overdue. Which means in just a few more days, the royal baby watch will surpass Gwyneth Paltrow as the most annoying thing in London.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Here’s some big news out of England. Today, Queen Elizabeth officially legalized gay marriage in Britain. Or as she put it, “You know, it doesn’t always have to be tea and crumpets. Sometimes it can just be two crumpets.”

Gay marriage is legal in the U.K. Which is why today, Camilla asked Prince Charles, “So I can take off this dress now?”

It turns out that today and tomorrow are the only two days of the entire year when there are no professional or college sports being played. So women are excited to finally get time with their boyfriends, while their boyfriends are excited to finally get time with their Xbox.

Today, the headquarters of the EPA was renamed in honor of Bill Clinton because of his dedication to protecting the environment. Or as Al Gore put it, “Are you kidding me? The environment? That’s my thing.”

Thursday Jul 18 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Al-Qaida’s No. 2 man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.

Joe Biden said this week that he still dreams of being president. To which Hillary said, “Keep dreaming.”

A key prosecution witness in the racketeering and murder trial of Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger was found dead this week. Who could have seen that coming? What, a witness in a mob trial dead? Turned out the guy suffered an allergic reaction to a baseball bat.

Taxi companies in St. Louis are considering an additional charge for passengers who throw up in the car. If you vomit in the cab, it is going to cost you more. I have a better idea. How about a discount for the next guy who gets in the cab?

Conan

The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor.

In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.

It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi’s Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush.

A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other’s shoulders.

Late Show with David Letterman

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been in Gitmo for 10 years. They turned him lose on the computer and this guy is some sort of evil genius. He designed a brand-new vacuum cleaner. It keeps the fleas out of his beard.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has declared jihad on dirt.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a shoo-in for the Gitmo science fair.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Three million people watched the season premiere of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” The cast members say they’re delighted. I think that’s what they were saying. I don’t actually understand what they’re saying.

Last night’s season premiere had a new cast member. It’s me. I play Pierre, an exchange student from France. “Bonjour, Mademoiselle Boo Boo. Would you like some chardonnay with your squirrel?”

If you’ve never seen “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it’s like “Duck Dynasty” but with fewer ducks.

“Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” is like “Downton Abbey” but with fewer shoes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We got nominated for an Emmy today! And you know what that means — time to iron my tuxedo T-shirt.

I want to congratulate the History Channel. Their 10-part miniseries “The Bible” was also nominated for an Emmy. It’s going to be weird on the red carpet when Moses is like, “Is that Joan Rivers? I haven’t seen you since high school.”

Congratulations to Charlie Sheen. He just welcomed a granddaughter this week. The nurse was like, “I hope you are ready to do some babysitting.” And the baby was like, “Don’t worry, I am.”

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