Sunday Funnies

Friday Jun 14 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A 97-year-old man from New York who just received his high school diploma. Turns out there’s a problem. Apparently he’s only reading at a 95-year-old level.

Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.

Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn’t made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location.

The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A big movie is opening today — “Man of Steel.” People in Hollywood are saying it could make $100 million this weekend. To give you an idea how much that is, take the amount of money that the new Will Smith movie made and add $100 million.

Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya.

As far as I’m concerned, Christopher Reeve will always be the best Superman. Just like Sean Connery will always be the best James Bond. I’d love to see Superman played by Sean Connery. He could just shave an ‘S’ into his chest hair.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it’s got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It’s mostly for security, hotel accommodations — plus Biden wants a giraffe.

Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they’re starting to rethink immigration.

Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel “1984” have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, “1984” shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.

Monday Jun 17 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Father’s Day congratulations to Kanye West, who is a new father. Kim Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. Kim was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence.

The doctor said when he slapped Kim’s baby, he regretted that he couldn’t slap the entire family.

Kim says she wants to keep the baby out of the public eye. In fact, the E! network is developing a new show called, “Keeping the Baby Out of the Public Eye With the Kardashians.”

This day marks the 42nd anniversary of the war on drugs. Today our partners in Mexico observed it with a moment of silence followed by hours of laughter.

Late Show with David Letterman

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are parents of a baby girl. Does it have any chance at a normal life? Here’s what they should do. They should put her in a rocket and launch her to another planet, and hope she’s discovered by Ma and Pa Kent.

The new Superman movie, “Man of Steel,” is a different look at Superman. It’s about Superman’s struggles as a guy. I guess we all knew this, but I didn’t realize how tough it was — he’s kryptonite intolerant.

Do you remember the evil dictator of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? They had elections and he’s out. And you thought Ahmadinejad was in a bad mah-mood before. He’s really in a bad mah-mood now.

Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can’t find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby girl, or as they call it, a spin-off. The birth was witnessed by friends, family, and 150 cameramen.

Scientists say that by the year 2045 we can all be immortal. It involves putting your brain into a robot. But why do we need to figure out how we will live forever? Can’t we just ask Larry King?

This immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the Fountain of Youth. Ponce de Léon, the Spanish explorer, searched for the Fountain of Youth in the 16th century. Nobody knows if he ever found it, but he died in 1521. So I’m guessing no.

Scientists say the key to preserving immortality is the brain. Just my luck. The one part of my body I need to preserve is the one I spent my youth actively destroying.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed their new baby girl. Yeah, today I saw Kanye wearing a shirt that says “World’s Greatest Dad.” He didn’t get it as a gift. He just bought it for himself.

Kim says that she’s just glad the baby is healthy, happy, and was born before Kate Middleton’s baby.

During an interview, a UFC fighter referred to LeBron James as a dork. When he heard that, LeBron said, “Would a dork wear a headband, a shirt tucked into his shorts, and knee-high socks?”

Tuesday Jun 18 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

Nestlé has launched a new premium water called “Resource.” They say it is made specifically for a woman who is a little on the trendy side and the higher income side. “Resource” sounds so much better than tap water for women who are really rich and stupid.

Have you seen the ads for Endure, a cool towel? They show people sitting in the sun with the thing around their neck, rubbing their faces in it. In each ad they say the towel uses a proprietary fabric technology that activates when wet to cool a person off. So in other words, it’s a towel! All towels do that.

“Man of Steel” is the No. 1 movie. I love how cool Superman’s parents were. They knew he was different, but they downplayed it. They didn’t want him to be treated special. Imagine if Superman was a kid today. His parents would drag him to school, saying “Our Clark has a kryptonite allergy. He’ll need special meals.”

Late Show with David Letterman

This story comes up about twice a year. They think they have located the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the former Teamsters union leader, after 40 years of being dead. Nothing on the NSA whistle-blower, but we think we know where Jimmy Hoffa is.

The cops in Michigan are digging up a field to find Jimmy Hoffa. We’ll let you know just as soon as they find nothing.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made “Death to America” a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn’t believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America.

This Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Earlier tonight was the big season finale of “The Voice.” It was so exciting. I’m glad that guy or girl won.

Congratulations, winner of “The Voice.” That’s right, whoever you are. I’m sure this year’s winner will turn out to be just as big as last year’s winner — Cassidy Pope.

That’s who won last year, Cassidy Pope. I’ve never heard his or her music. Maybe it’s good. But Cassidy Pope sounds like a TV show about a cowboy who rides into the Vatican, becomes Pope, and solves crimes.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

The Senate’s new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it’s approved, while some senators are saying that’s the point.

The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn’t sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory.

A new study found that volunteering can actually reduce the risk of heart problems. Which would be awesome news if it didn’t also reduce the risk of having a fun Saturday.

Dunkin’ Donuts is redesigning its stores so that customers will want to sit down and relax — because if there’s one thing that goes through my mind when I see Dunkin’ Donuts customers, it’s, “These people need to move around LESS.”

Wednesday Jun 19 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in over a year. Obama’s vowing to find out whose approval he’s lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back.

The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn’t made a phone call since 1975.

In Xalapa, Mexico, a cat named Morris is running for mayor. Do you know the difference between a cat and a politician? Cats don’t pretend to care about you.

Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran’s economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.

Late Show with David Letterman

President Obama was in Germany today and made a historic speech. The reason Obama is in Germany is to promote democracy and to rescue Justin Bieber’s monkey.

Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo.

It’s a beautiful day in New York City. It’s 77 and sunny, like Martha Stewart.

Have you seen the new Superman movie? The final battle scene between Superman and the evil General Zod is like nothing I’ve ever seen before except for every other super-hero movie.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven’t seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact.

During the cold war, West Berlin was an “exclave” — a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia’s nuclear arsenal. But it’s not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This spying scandal at the White House isn’t going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them.

Men’s Wearhouse founder and spokesman George Zimmer has been fired after 40 years with the company. I don’t know about you, but I do NOT like the way this looks.

A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to “going through the motions” at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line.

NASA is challenging Americans to help them figure out a better way to find threatening asteroids. Americans said, “What do we get if you pick our idea?” And NASA said, “To live.”

Thursday Jun 20 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Vatican has confirmed a second miracle by the late Pope John Paul II, clearing the way for him to become a saint. Under church law you have to perform two miracles to become a saint. That seems a little strict, doesn’t it? You perform a miracle — a miracle! And they say, “What else you got?”

The daughter of baseball great Joe Torre, Christina Torre, is being called a hero today after she caught a baby that fell out of a two-story window in New York City. And not only that, but later she went over to Wall Street and caught a couple of stockbrokers that had just jumped out the window.

Bad day on Wall Street — the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn’t have come back home. I knew this was going to happen.

Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI’s Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.

Late Show with David Letterman

During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That’s a programming reminder from the White House.

Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives.

See, the problem there is they have nothing to say to one another because they’ve been bugging each other’s phones.

Are you aware of the fact that Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from the owner of the Patriots? Listen to this: Today he stole Ricki Lake’s daytime Emmy. The guy’s whacko.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Clothing designers Dolce & Gabbana are in a lot of trouble. They have been found guilty of tax evasion. They probably won’t do any jail time. Which is a relief because stripes are out this year.

The judge ordered Dolce & Gabbana to pay a huge fine. It could be high as $13 million. That’s chump change for Dolce & Gabbana. Those guys giving up $13 million would be like Jay Leno giving up one car.

It would be like Lance Armstrong giving up one syringe.

Apparently, Dolce & Gabbana were an item for 23 years. They broke up in 2005 but still work together. That’s got to be tough, working with an ex. I go through it every time Drew Carey’s on this show.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started.

The on-deck circle was a drum circle.

Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana have been sentenced to 20 months in jail for tax evasion. Their lawyers are appealing the sentence while Dolce & Gabbana are appealing the prison uniform. Orange is so last year.

That’s right. Dolce & Gabbana were convicted of tax evasion. It didn’t help when the judge asked how they pled, and they were like “Fabulous?”

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