Sunday Funnies

Friday Jun 07 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.

President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about.

The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?

The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.

If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, “We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.”

Actually, Putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. That’s weird because most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to a ballet.

President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, “Why, so you can read our emails faster?”

As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word “senior” twice. That probably explains why they didn’t get into “collage.”

Monday Jun 10 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It’s a great story: When Superman’s dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.

A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, “You’re being watched.” To which NBC executives said, “Finally! We would love to be watched.”

People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don’t want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That’s how it works.

Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, “Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.”

Conan

Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.

It’s been reported that Kanye West will not be in the delivery room when Kim Kardashian has her baby. This was at the request of the baby.

Scientists have discovered a 55-million-year-old fossil, which makes it the oldest primate fossil. Or as Larry King calls it, wife number two.

McDonald’s has started introducing breakfast items at night for what it calls an after-midnight menu. It’s all part of McDonald’s’ new slogan, “Welcome alcoholics.”

Late Show with David Letterman

The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It’s people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They’re the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.

You know your phone is being tapped when you’re having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing.

This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he’s very pleased with himself. He says he doesn’t want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.

Happy birthday to the president’s daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber’s phone records.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, “You first.”

Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans’ phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he’s hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, “I don’t want to be punished by the government — so I guess I’ll go to China.”

He went to China to avoid government persecution. That’s like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.

Over the weekend, a woman interrupted the finale of “Britain’s Got Talent” and actually started throwing eggs at Simon Cowell — at which point she won “Britain’s Got Talent.”

Tuesday Jun 11 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word “patriot,” and he’s being audited by the IRS.

Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.

The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He’s also a moron.

President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that’s a debate we wouldn’t have had five years ago. Five years ago? It’s a debate we wouldn’t have had two weeks ago if they all hadn’t gotten caught.

Conan

According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama’s policy because finally a man is listening to them.

House Speaker John Boehner called NSA’s Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.

Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it’s the goodest news they have heard all year.

The new PlayStation 4 is going to allow gamers to record their gaming and share it with friends. All the gamers would need is an Internet connection and friends.

Late Show with David Letterman

The New England Patriots are giving Tim Tebow a job. So it looks like Tebow will be playing in New England. Let me rephrase that. It looks like Tim Tebow will BE in New England. The Patriots were able to lure him with a brand-new state-of-the-art bench.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?

I don’t know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.

Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don’t care. It’s like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it’s just like being married.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Mel Gibson is in talks to play a bad guy in the next “Expendables” movie. He’s a fiendish villain with Nazi tendencies. I don’t know what he’ll play in the movie.

Here in Los Angeles, school’s out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it’s the first week of hell.

With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow. Apparently they needed a virgin to sacrifice to the football gods. Tim Tebow fit the bill perfectly.

In March, Forbes magazine put out their annual list of the world’s richest people, and one of the people was a Saudi Arabian prince, and he is furious about it. Forbes estimated his net worth at around $20 billion, and he claims he is worth $30 billion, so now he is suing Forbes. I love the premise: Say I’m more rich or I’ll sue you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that the New England Patriots have signed quarterback Tim Tebow, just weeks after he was released by the Jets. When asked how he’ll adjust to getting booed by Jets fans, Tebow said, “What do you mean ‘adjust to’?”

Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, “Hillary in 2016!” and “Washington needs Hillary!” and “Hillary for the White House!” That’s not her followers. Those were her tweets.

Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, “How do you block people on this thing?”

A new six-hour special about the ’90s is set to air on The Discovery Channel. Yep, a show with people who were big in the ’90s — or as that’s also called, “Dancing With the Stars.”

Wednesday Jun 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.

There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? “Honey, I’m not looking at her breasts. I’m working for Homeland Security.”

Kevin Hart is on the program today. He has a new concert film called “Let Me Explain.” President Obama’s new slogan is also “Let Me Explain.”

In a recent interview, 68-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking young. Do you know what it is? Stand next to Keith Richards.

Conan

Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book “1984” have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It’s making Americans read.

Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you’ll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.

It’s come out that the summer interns at Google make about $6,000 per month. The news was reported to me by the interns at this show.

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry — doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.

Late Show with David Letterman

Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, “You can do that, really?”

So far, it’s a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.

You know who’s popular now? George W. Bush. According to recent polls George W. Bush is more popular than not popular. So there’s still hope for me.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for Mick Jagger. But then, what day isn’t?

Mick Jagger says he’s been doing ballet for years to stay in shape. He says he has a 28-inch waist. He’s the only man in the world with a waist smaller than his mouth.

I said Mick Jagger has a big mouth. Heck, I think Ed Sullivan was doing that joke.

We shouldn’t be surprised Mick Jagger’s into ballet. Next we’ll find out that Bono is into Riverdance.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It’s great to have a guest who’s so passionate about food. And it’s an honor to have Mario Batali here as well.

In a recent interview, Kanye West compared himself to Steve Jobs. He called himself the “nucleus of culture,” and also said he was the Michael Jordan of music. I don’t know if he’s the Michael Jordan of music, but he’s definitely the Dennis Rodman of crazy talk.

This week, Apple introduced a new laptop that supposedly has an all-day battery. Yeah, here’s how it works — don’t turn on your laptop all day.

There’s talk that boy band One Direction is trying to win over Justin Bieber’s fans who aren’t happy with Bieber’s recent behavior. Those guys from One Direction better be careful, or this could result in the world’s most adorable fistfight.

Thursday Jun 13 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let’s get real. Aren’t we all pretty much working for China?

Some experts believe the privacy scandal will hurt the NSA. Are they crazy? Do you know how many people want to join now that they’ve heard the guy who blew the whistle is a high school dropout, making almost $200,000 a year, with a poll dancer girlfriend, and he’s living in Hawaii? People are lining up to get this job.

According to a Gallup poll, President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has “impeachment insurance.” It’s called “Joe Biden.”

The world’s oldest human tumor has been found on the rib of a Neanderthal skeleton in Croatia. The tumor would have been discovered sooner, but they have government healthcare over there.

Conan

This Sunday is Father’s Day. Or as NBA players call it, “Don’t Answer the Phone Day.”

I’m excited that this Sunday is Father’s Day because I’m a dad. Yeah, I don’t know what I’m getting yet but I have a feeling the government knows.

A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, “I’m not racist. One of my best friends is white.”

A recent court case may have laid the groundwork for interns getting paid. It’s the landmark case “Conan vs. the College Students Who Wash His Car.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he’s leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He’s now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people.

Opening this weekend is “Man of Steel.” Superman. I’m so excited because a superhero movie hasn’t opened since Friday.

For my money, the best Superman was Sean Connery.

The whole movie, if you go to see it — this is a spoiler alert — is Superman complaining about having to fly friends to the airport.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Bonnaroo music festival starts today in Tennessee. They have a great lineup this year, including Paul McCartney and Mumford and Sons. My only problem with Mumford and Sons is the guy playing the banjo still has all of his teeth. That’s not authentic.

Every music festival says it’s all about love and music — until you refuse to pay 200 bucks for a ticket. Then they Taser your hippie rear end.

Bonnaroo is in Tennessee. The weather forecast says it’s going to be really hot in Tennessee this weekend. How hot is it going to be? Paul McCartney will be singing “Live and Let Fry.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Father’s Day is on Sunday. The first Father’s Day was celebrated in 1910. Before that, there were no fathers.

If you’re looking for a thoughtful and expensive gift for dad, here is an idea: Try not to roll your eyes when he says something.

The much-anticipated “Man of Steel” comes out tomorrow. Finally, a superhero movie.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the Bruins and the Blackhawks played three overtimes in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup, right here on NBC. It went on forever — but on the bright side, it gave NBC its longest-running drama in years.

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.

Kate Middleton made her final public appearance today before she goes on maternity leave. Of course, the public had a lot of questions for her, like, “Maternity leave from what?”

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