Sunday Funnies

May 20, 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.

Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.

So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.

After being booed at the Billboard Music Awards last night, Justin Bieber said, ”I’m 19 years old. I think I’m doing a pretty good job.” Hey Justin. I’m 63. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. Welcome to show business, pal.

Conan
President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

It’s been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie’s re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around.

Lamborghini is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Lamborghini is so freaked out by turning 50, it just bought itself a Lamborghini.

Late Show with David Letterman
Anybody win the Powerball thing over the weekend? $590 million, one winner. That’s the biggest single jackpot since — well, since Tiger Woods’ divorce.

President Obama’s had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four “American Idol” judges.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We’re almost done with May sweeps. Sweeps — that’s when TV networks pull out all the stops to get ratings. In fact, on “Glee,” one of the actors is going to come out — as straight!

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like “Who shot J.R.?” I like to think I do this every night — the question is, “Is this show still on?”

I prefer to judge the performance of this show on its “artistic impact.” By that I mean the number of complaints we receive. We’re up 30 percent year to year in key demos.

I don’t think you want to win ratings in late night. Look what happened on NBC. Who has been No. 1 over there for 20 years? Jay Leno. And what happened? He was fired. Twice! It’s like “Well done, Jay. That was great. You’re fired.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Yesterday I was presented with an honorary doctorate at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. I will be writing medical marijuana prescriptions in the alley after the show.

I’m a doctor of humane letters and I don’t know what that means. I didn’t have to do anything to get it. I didn’t have to read or write a thesis. I made a mockery of higher education this weekend and now I can invite strangers into my office and ask them to take their clothes off without getting arrested.

Justin Bieber received multiple honors at the Billboard Music Awards. He won for best male artist. I can count three lies in the title of that award.

Justin Bieber actually said he’s an artist — in the same way the guy that makes my turkey sandwich at subway is an artist.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It turns out the winning ticket for Saturday’s huge $590 million Powerball drawing was apparently sold in a town called Zephyrhills, Florida. In a related story, Florida residents are getting an unusual volume of calls from their grandkids today.

During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him — though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him.

The Navy announced that its specially trained dolphins found a rare torpedo off the coast of California. You can tell those dolphins are smart because they just turned the torpedo back at us and said, “How about YOU doing some tricks at Sea World?”

May 21, 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, “I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.” And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.

The White House admitted President Obama’s chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.

Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.

Conan
A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack’s failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.

According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry — according to white Americans.

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, “We has your son.”

A man gave a waitress a $1,000 tip so she could take a trip to Italy. Isn’t that nice? It was an Olive Garden waitress who dreamed of one day trying Italian food.

Late Show with David Letterman
There’s a new HBO movie this weekend — the Liberace story, “Behind the Candelabra.” Liberace claimed that he was not gay. Well, that’s good enough for me.

I’ve seen a little of the film. Meryl Streep is fantastic as Liberace.

We’re learning more and more about Liberace. He was addicted to plastic surgery. He had a collection of wigs. And he would change clothing about 10 times a day. Wow, it’s like I have a twin!

I feel bad for Barack Obama. He’s got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he’s thinking about killing bin Laden again.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called “The Toxic Avenger.” He wreaks havoc. He’s a monster. I have no idea what he’ll do in the movie.

A museum in Sweden claims to have the world’s biggest collection of ABBA memorabilia. They clearly haven’t seen my bedroom.

ABBA sold 370 million records, and two of those sales were to people who weren’t white.

ABBA sold 18 million albums just in Australia when the entire population of Australia at the time was 15 million people. How could that happen? There’s only one explanation: Kangaroos were buying the album.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A 19-year-old student in Lawrenceville, Georgia, was failing English and he didn’t want to tell his parents about it. So he faked his own kidnapping. He texted his parents and said he’s been abducted. It sounds like a terrible Liam Neeson movie.

The student camped out for a week and then came home when it rained. I guess he failed his “Fake your own kidnapping 101 class” too.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, “Anything else you guys aren’t telling me?” And Joe Biden was like, “Uh . . . I broke the copier.”

President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, “Guys, when I said ‘no spoilers,’ I was just talking about ‘Game of Thrones.'”

Four women have qualified to race in this Sunday’s Indy 500. Yeah, four women going around and around in circles — or as that’s normally called, “The View.”

May 22, 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.

Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight — and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.

O.J. Simpson is waiting to see if a judge will grant him a retrial. Have you seen how fat O.J. has gotten? He’s so fat, he’s changed his name from O.J. to “Au Jus.”

O.J. is so fat, he wants the judge to throw the cookbook at him.

Conan
Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says “I put my sleazy past behind me” like showing a video on the Internet at midnight.

During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.

Brad Pitt said in an interview that he has very few friends. In other words, just one more thing that Brad Pitt and I have in common.

In New Jersey a woman found her lost dog by luring the dog back with bacon. She also found the governor of New Jersey.

Late Show with David Letterman
“Hangover 3” opens this weekend. It’s based on the famous novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

For Memorial Day I’m going to the beach. Nothing gives you more comfort than your lifeguard sitting in the chair texting.

Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey.

And if SEAL Team 6 doesn’t work, he’s sending in Dennis Rodman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
On this day in 1859, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was born in Edinburgh, Scotland. He’s the creator of Sherlock Holmes. Arthur Conan Doyle was a man of many talents. He was a writer and a doctor. If he were around today, he would be a frequent guest on “Oprah.”

In the novels, Sherlock Holmes was a cocaine addict. But he still solved crimes. I would argue that cocaine does not give you crime-solving abilities. The only thing I ever tried to solve while I was on cocaine was how to get more cocaine.

Some people think Sherlock Holmes was a real person. These people are called “stupid.”

I thought Holmes’ address in London was real. He famously lived and worked at 221B Baker Street. When I was in London, I tried to find it. There’s no 221B. It’s just a bank. I walked up and down the street for an hour, being judged by snooty English bankers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops — because they feed on each other.

The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck.

A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That’s like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson’s birthday combined.

In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It’s resulted in a surge of “pot tourism.” People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it’s 30 years later they’re still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.

CBS has become the best-rated network among the 18-49 age group for the first time in 21 years. NBC is still No. 1 among pets whose owners left the TV on to keep them company.

Target is now selling a line of affordable wedding dresses. They say it’s perfect for any woman who’s always dreamed of wearing a dress from the same place she buys chips and soap.

New York City is getting a new professional soccer team that will be partially owned by the Yankees. You can tell it’s owned by the Yankees because A-Rod won’t be playing for that team either.

May 23, 2013
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn’t illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.

It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, “Yes, we can” to “No, I can’t remember.”

The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRA. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRA scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

Conan
It’s coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl’s yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.

A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, “What do we have to do?”

In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win “American Idol.” At last we finally know why “American Idol” is losing so many viewers. They’re killing each other.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Time magazine published President Obama’s prom photos. He’s with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking.

Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church.

It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there.

Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants — that’s OK?

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would’ve published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn’t want to be photographed.

Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. Though it’ll be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones.

Justin Bieber is apparently making guests at his parties sign a contract promising not to post pictures of it on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. When they heard that, MySpace was like, “We’re back, baby!”

A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.

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