Sunday Funnies

Friday Apr 12 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, “Si.”

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced the creation of a diversity task force. He said it’s time for baseball to begin letting in players who are not on steroids.

Adam Levine, from “The Voice,” is here to talk about an extremely rare and unusual experience he had — he was on a hit show on NBC prime time!

Actually, that’s not fair. The new NBC show “Hannibal” won its time spot last night. I thought “Hannibal” would do well. Cooking shows tend to be very popular.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The Coachella Music Festival started today. It’s held every year in the California desert. A whole weekend of peace, love, and $10 bottles of water.

What kind of a sadist decided to throw a huge concert in the middle of the desert, and then invite bands full of older musicians?

This concert is hotter than Lillian Gish. That’s tonight’s joke for senior citizens.

Someday even One Direction will get old. I’m kidding. They will never age. It is part of their deal with Satan.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke.

It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, “Stop helping.”

Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.

Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in.

Monday Apr 15 2013

Conan

I want to take a moment to say that my thoughts and prayers are with the people of Boston and everybody who’s been affected by today’s absolutely senseless act. That said, it is our job to do a show and we’re going to try and entertain you the very best we can, which given our track record gives you people a 20 percent chance of having a good show tonight.

Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It’s not a good sign when the friend who’s trying to explain that you’re not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That’s not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.

Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country’s founder. He famously said, “Let’s have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.”

A magazine has come out with a list of the 20 most hated celebrities, and No. 1 is Gwyneth Paltrow. I don’t get that. After hearing this, Mel Gibson said, “What do I have to do?” He’s screaming at his agent right now.

According to a new report, Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne’s 30-year marriage is over. After hearing this, Ozzy said, “I was married?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I don’t want to bring everyone down but it was a terrible day. Very bad things happened today for no good reason and our thoughts are with the people of Boston and everyone who suffering as a result of the bombings. It’s a disgusting thing and I don’t understand that. It’s my job to make you laugh and I’ll probably fail.

Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in.

This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.

Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?

Tuesday Apr 16 2013

Conan

Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it’s 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida.

Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you’re an FBI informant.

A new study came out that shows that the germiest place in your kitchen is the refrigerator’s vegetable drawer. After hearing this, most Americans said, “We have a vegetable drawer?”

Last night NPR was hacked by a group called the Syrian Electronic Army. Which explains why for five seconds last night, NPR was exciting.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are rumors that NBC is planning to produce a new season of the sitcom “Friends.” Experts say it’s been nine years since the show went off the air so only a few people would watch, making it the highest rated show on NBC.

A brewery in Japan has introduced a beer made from elephant dung. How do you market something like that? “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I make sure it comes from an elephant’s butt.”

My wife recently got a virus when we went to Britain. If she were an elephant I could make a lot of beer.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A Chinese businessman just purchased a $15 million iPhone. And I would pay $1 million for someone to shove him into the pool with it.

An easy way to tell if you’re a terrible person is if you own a $15 million iPhone.

This is the perfect phone for anyone who wants to get mugged immediately after buying it.

You can get the phone for $14,999,950 if you sign a two-year contract.

A study has found that some people can suffer symptoms of withdrawal when they’re forced to stay away from social media sites. This is why I’m not even on Facebook. I update my high school yearbook manually with a pen.

Wednesday Apr 17 2013

Conan

President Obama offered to wash senators’ car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, “If you’re going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?

Jon Hamm recent appeared on an episode of “Sesame Street.” It was the first time toddlers were able to plant their moms in front of the TV and ignore them for an hour.

In a recent interview Robert Downey Jr. confirmed he was paid $50 million to star in “The Avengers.” Now the Hulk is really angry.

A Fragrance company has come out with a cologne that smells like whiskey. It’s perfect for the guy who wants all of the stigma of alcoholism but none of the fun.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Daffy Duck is 76 today. I like Daffy Duck. He is much edgier than Donald Duck. Donald Duck may not wear pants, but Daffy Duck doesn’t wear a thing. Nothing!

Daffy is set apart by his bad attitude. He doesn’t care if people like him. He’s kind of my hero. He is right up there as one of my favorite cartoon characters, right up there with Scooby Doo and Joe Biden.

A few years ago, Warner Brothers tried to reboot Loony Tunes. They changed Daffy’s name to “Danger Duck.” That happens when executives try to change things. CBS wanted me to dye my hair, but I said, “No way, man.” I’m not bowing down like some kind of slave to the corporate agenda. Which reminds me, is it time for commercials?

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It’s a deadly poison made from beans. They said it’s the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts.

Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it’s from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he’s bipartisan.

A man in New York City is convicted of stealing more than $376,000 worth of copy machine toner from the law firm he worked for. They’re known for their work with big corporations and investment banks, and also for not ever having any toner in their copier.

Adrian Rodriguez pleaded guilty to second-degree grand larceny. They caught him black handed.

Thursday Apr 18 2013

Conan

TMZ is reporting that Sharon Osbourne is not going to reconcile with Ozzy Osbourne until he proves to her that he can stay sober. After hearing this, Ozzy said, “Who’s Sharon Osbourne?”

Chicago has approved a $500 million renovation to the Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field. The upgrade will include a new video screen, enhanced lighting, and an entirely different baseball team.

Two rides at Disneyland have been temporarily shut down due to safety concerns. The most dangerous of these is probably “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride While Texting.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is Superman’s birthday today. Happy birthday, Superman! The first Superman comic came out this day in 1938. I spent today walking around with my underpants on the outside of my trousers. Then I found out it was Superman’s birthday.

Star magazine had a poll. They named Gwyneth Paltrow the most hated celebrity in America. I said, “That is not fair. Come on! I’m sure other countries hate her too.”

Cupping is an ancient form of medicine. You put cups on the skin, heat them up, and it creates a suction. I’d never do the cupping thing. If someone approached me with a hot cup, it had better be full of hot soup — because I’m old, you see.

Cupping therapy is very popular here in Hollywood. It has been around for thousands of years so it must be very good. It is practically illegal to get old here. So why in Hollywood are old people shunned but old ideas embraced? It is because we are shallow.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The second and final week of Coachella starts tomorrow — all in celebration of White History Month.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Coachella, it’s a big music festival in the California desert. If you didn’t get tickets or if you’re too far away, just get high and pass out in a dumpster behind Trader Joe’s. Just like being there.

Disney announced starting in 2015 that they’re going to put out a new “Star Wars” movie every summer for the foreseeable future. Next up is “Star Wars episode 7,” followed by “Darth Vader, Mall Cop.”

After that will be “It’s a Star Wars Movie, Just Give Us Your Money.”

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