Easter Sunday Funnies

Friday Mar 22 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The movie “Spring Breakers” went wide today. It features robbery, arrests, drug use, alcohol, illicit sex. Or as Lindsay Lohan calls that, getting ready for trial.

Doctors in Canada were shocked after pulling a 3-inch knife blade from the back of a 32-year-old man. The knife had been in there for three years. Imagine that, the guy had a knife in his back for three years. He must have worked at NBC too.

Have you heard about this alleged feud that I’m having with NBC? I think it’s going to be OK. To make it up to me, they are sending my wife and me on an all-expenses-paid Carnival cruise.

According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There’s some big March Madness news. There was a huge upset last night when number 14 seeded Harvard beat number three New Mexico. Analysts said, “Do you know the chances of that happening?” And Harvard kids said, “12.6 percent.”

Usually when you hear Harvard students and upset, it’s because someone ended a sentence with a preposition.

A company in North Carolina is selling a $60 IQ test that people can give their dogs. If you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe YOU should take that IQ test.

There’s no way I’d make my dog take an IQ test. He’s already busy enough doing my taxes.

A man in Arkansas confessed that he had a friend pretend to attack him during a date so that he could impress the girl he was with. She could tell something was up when the mugger was like, “Give me all your money, Steve — I mean, guy I don’t know!”

Monday Mar 25 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone: to class.

A 33-year-old woman in Britain claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise. She says every time she exercises, she has an allergic reaction. Actually, I have that. You know how I treat it? Pizza.

A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you’ve been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes?

Fitness pioneer Joe Weider has passed away at the age of 93. In 1969 he got Arnold Schwarzenegger his very first acting job. So, hopefully he will be remembered for the good things he did.

Conan

Tonight is the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. In other words, history’s first spring break.

They left Egypt and went to Florida. And they’re still there.

Passover is the time every year when I’m forced to spend eight days and eight nights writing all my own jokes.

During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle — restoring Israel’s relationship with pork.

Late Show with David Letterman

In honor of Passover tonight, all of these jokes are unleavened.

The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.

New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.

John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today happens to be Vaffeldagen. That is Swedish for Waffle Day. Every year on March 25, the people of Sweden get out of their Volvos, turn off their ABBA CDs, and start making waffles.

As far as I’m concerned, there are two types of people in this world. People who love waffles — and al-Qaida.

Waffle Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It’s right up there with Pancakesgiving, Cinco de Pie-o, and Ham-o-ween.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special.

They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.

Actress Tilda Swinton gave an unusual performance at the Museum of Modern Art this weekend. She slept in a glass box in the middle of the museum all day. If you are in New York, for $20 you can watch Tilda Swinton sleep in a box. In L.A. you can watch Gary Busey pass out in public for free.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

There was a big upset this weekend in the NCAA tournament, when San Diego State was upset by 15th seed Florida Gulf Coast University. Yeah, Florida Gulf Coast University. Even the University of Phoenix Online was like, “Who?”

There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.

Tuesday Mar 26 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much “not done” at home as they get “not done” in Washington.

Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter.

A 17-year-old British teenager just sold an iPhone app he created to Yahoo for $30 million. His app takes news stories and condenses them down into just a a few short sentences so people can read them quicker. We already have that. It’s called “USA Today.”

Infectious disease experts are now warning people around the world to stay away from bats. Do you have to tell people that, really? You know which bats are not dangerous? The ones the Chicago Cubs use.

Conan

Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court’s deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that’s why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour.

In Kentucky, a teenager was arrested for falsely yelling “Bingo” in a Bingo hall. It’s being called the first-ever arrest that actually diminished someone’s street cred.

Late Show with David Letterman

Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.

They had the annual Passover observation at the White House, and as always the president pardoned a brisket.

The Sweet 16 starts tomorrow. I watch these college kids play basketball and I think to myself, “I hope they’re not neglecting their school work.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It is the birthday of poet Robert Frost. He once said that a poem begins as a lump in the throat. Maybe I don’t understand the whole idea of metaphors and allegory, but if your poem starts as a lump in your throat, you should see a doctor.

I have mixed feelings about poetry. Not many are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some sort of official certification to perform or write poetry. We could call it a poetic license, if you will.

Some say being a poet is a dying profession. It’s like being a video store clerk, or a blackberry salesman, or a late-night talk-show host.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex.

Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I’m wearing a robe.

The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song.

If you’re not familiar with the show “Splash,” celebrities compete against each other diving. We tried to give you good shows but you continue to watch barely famous people dancing.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, “It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.”

A father of five has come forward to claim Saturday’s winning Powerball ticket worth $338 million. Or as he told his five kids, “Great news. Three of you can go to college.”

Wednesday Mar 27 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.

On Monday night the shows “The Voice” and “Revolution” moved NBC to the number two position in the ratings. You know what that means? Between Easter and Passover is truly the season of miracles.

T-Mobil announced yesterday that they are doing away with contracts. Apparently they got the idea from NBC.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She’s blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts.

Conan

A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don’t care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s weight. That’s mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey.

Parts of the Berlin Wall have been removed despite a protest led by David Hasselhoff. Yeah, the thick, crumbling structure that didn’t last very long in the 1990s said the wall shouldn’t be removed.

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their “It’s a Small World” ride. The man said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.”

Late Show with David Letterman

Are you all ready for Easter? At my house every year I hide chocolate eggs for my son and later in the day he hides my heart medication.

Last year at Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep.

Last year there was some trouble at the White House’s Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama’s birth certificate.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Bruce Willis is with us tonight. If a terrorist tried to take this show hostage, they’d have a big surprise coming.

Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy.

The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman.

I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when “Gay Divorce Court” hits the air. That’s how I’ll be spending my days.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, “Any of you ladies want to write it?”

A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they’re a late-night host on NBC.

Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes $10 million in back taxes. She’s angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up.

In an effort to compete with Amazon, Wal-Mart is letting customers buy a product online and then pick it up in the store. The company says it’s all the convenience of shopping online without any of the convenience of shopping online.

Thursday Mar 28 2013

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?

Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.

Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That’s got to be some good eating — a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Easter is on Sunday. Americans buy an estimated $120 million pounds of candy for Easter every year. I hope Jesus comes back as a dentist.

We’re having a get-together on Easter. Not for the kids. It’s an adult thing. Eggs are filled with meat loaf. The kids aren’t interested.

Yes, Jesus rose from the dead. No, he’s not a zombie.

Wal-Mart will test a new delivery method for customers who order online. They’re asking shoppers to drop stuff off for other shoppers on their way home. In exchange, Wal-Mart would give them a discount on their bill. So if you always wanted to work for Wal-Mart but didn’t want to get bogged down with the paycheck and healthcare, this is for you.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano — the person in charge of our national security — recently said she doesn’t email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something — because there’s literally no other way she’ll get the message.

North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, “Can’t believe I’m doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.”

Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he’s ever made — then he looked at his economic advisers and said, “Ehh, maybe not.”

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for hunting deer in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart. Or as Jeff Foxworthy put it, “Eh, too easy.”

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