Sunday Funnies

Sept. 27-28, 2012

“With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They’re asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, ‘Way ahead of you. Don’t worry about that.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a man who actually went to high school with Mitt Romney and later went to law school with President Obama. When asked how going to school with two presidential candidates made him feel, he said, ‘Uh, bad about my job at Arby’s.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy.” –Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan now says that President Obama’s foreign policy has ‘blown up in his face’ and it’s time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let’s see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn’t that the Republican foreign policy?” –Jay Leno

“There are 40 days left until the election. A lot can happen in 40 days — Obama can make a gaffe, Mitt could win the debates, God can send a flood to destroy all mankind. So, there’s hope.” –Stephen Colbert

Oct. 1, 2012

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was on ’60 Minutes’ promoting his book. He said you can’t run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad.” –Conan O’Brien

“Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there’s a ringing endorsement.” –David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to ’60 Minutes’ last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can’t run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s book is out today. Arnold’s book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That’s why it’s a million pages long.” –Craig Ferguson

“The part of the book everyone’s going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn’t think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English.” –Craig Ferguson

“Arnold says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw ‘Jingle All the Way.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!” –Craig Ferguson

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on ’60 Minutes.’ He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren’t official because the couples couldn’t understand what Arnold was saying.” –Jimmy Fallon

Oct. 2, 2012

“For tomorrow’s debate, President Obama’s advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are ‘bin Laden’ and ‘dead.’ That’s it.” –Conan O’Brien

“In Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper’s son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent.” –Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, ‘If there are any angels in heaven, they’re all nurses.’ Then Biden said, ‘Of course, maybe they wouldn’t be in heaven if they’d had better nurses.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Are you going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?’ –Jay Leno

“I understand they are going to have ‘fact checkers’ standing by — just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.” –Jay Leno

“At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, ‘The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.’ Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.” –Jay Leno

“Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.” –Jay Leno

“The first debate is tomorrow night and I heard that the Obama campaign is a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the president watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama won Family Circle’s bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn’t she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She’s contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.” –Craig Ferguson

“Ann Romney’s entry into the bake-off was something called ‘M&M Treats.’ Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I’m like, ‘Oh, no, that’s her husband.'” –Craig Ferguson

“There seems to still be sexism in politics. You still see candidates objectified. I’m talking about you, Paul Ryan – with your great abs and suspiciously good marathon times.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on ‘Jersey Shore,’ not both.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Oct. 3, 2012

“It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s goal for tonight’s debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O’Brien

“Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tonight is the first presidential debate of 2012. Tonight was also one of the only nights of the year when you might actually hear someone say, ‘Honey, turn on C-SPAN.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tonight also happens to be Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. ‘Honey, I’d love to go to the ballet with you, but I’m debating Mitt Romney that night.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The city council here in L.A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuana dispensaries. It’s great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Overturning the ban is also great news for the makers of Chex Party Mix.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation’s all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football.” –Jay Leno

“Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama’s like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now.” –Jay Leno

“There’s been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven’t seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud.” –Jay Leno

“Unlike those Republican primary debates, there was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience tonight in Denver, which was fairly easy to control. They filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans.” –Jay Leno

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