Sunday Funnies

Sept. 6, 2012

“Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it’s pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward.” –Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he’s re-elected he’ll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years.” –Jay Leno

“In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden’s speech also was moved to a smaller venue – the back room at Denny’s, the booth in the corner.” –Jay Leno

“We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world’s most competitive economies. We’re now #7. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, ‘See, that’s why I keep my money there.'” –Jay Leno

“The signature question of this presidential campaign is, “Are you better off than you were four years ago?” As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off.” –Jay Leno

“Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote.” –Conan O’Brien

“This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden.” –Conan O’Brien

“You know who’s a big supporter of President Obama? Scarlett Johansson. I think I’ll wait until I hear what Katherine Heigl has to say.” –David Letterman

“Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton’s speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from ‘Freebird.'” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 7, 2012

“It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don’t even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, ‘Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?’ And she said, ‘Who’s Charlotte?'” –Bill Maher

“Last night in his speech President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF.” –Jay Leno

“It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions.” –Jay Leno

“When it came to ‘hope’ and ‘change’ President Obama told the crowd, ‘You were the change.’ And then the crowd said, ‘Hey don’t blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'” –Jay Leno

“Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, ‘Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.” –Jay Leno

“There was a big shakeup on ‘American Idol.’ There is still a vacant judge’s seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.” –Craig Ferguson

Sept. 10, 2012

“Yesterday in Florida, President Obama visited a pizzeria. The owner gave the president a bear hug and lifted him off his feet. Everybody shared a good laugh and then the Secret Service shot the man in the face.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won’t reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn’t believe it. They were like, ‘At least do the honorable thing and lie.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn’t help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. That’s like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Lindsay Lohan tweeted President Obama on the topic of tax cuts. Someone needs to tell her she’s Lindsay Lohan and should be focusing on what the president plans to do to cut car insurance deductibles.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Sept. 11-12, 2012

“A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney’s depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, ‘Wow, you too?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, members of Mitt Romney’s own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, ‘Maybe.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?” –Conan O’Brien

“In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida’s number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.” –Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don’t know if that’s wise. It’s not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers.” –Craig Ferguson

“Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama’s re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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