Sunday Funnies

July 9, 2012

“Mitt Romney’s campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands.” –Jay Leno

“The latest poll shows 56% of voters think President Obama has changed America – for the worse. At this point, there’s only one thing that can keep Mitt Romney from beating him. Mitt Romney. ” –Jay Leno

“According to Mitt Romney’s wife Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They have John McCain doing the background check. That could be dicey.” –Jay Leno

“Listen to this. Congratulations to Congressman Barney Frank. He became the first sitting Congressman to enter into a same sex marriage when he married his longtime boyfriend Jim Ready this past weekend. You know those Democrats, they love their mandates.” –Jay Leno

“Congressman Dennis Kucinich also attended the wedding. He wasn’t there as a guest. He was hired to stand on top of the cake.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, ‘Mitt, how did you get so much money?” He said, “You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'” –David Letterman

July 10, 2012

“Researchers at the University of Minnesota now say that because of the recession, women are jumping into bed with guys faster. They say women are having sex with men after just one drink, all because of the recession. Finally, we are beginning to see the true benefits of the Obama economic plan. ” –Jay Leno

“There’s now a big controversy after a liberal group made a video saying Mitt Romney is too white for black people. Too white for black people? Mitt is too white for white people.” –Jay Leno

“An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs” –Jay Leno

“The record-breaking heat wave hitting the rest of the country is now hitting Los Angeles. I was sweating like President Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot, immigrants were crossing the border on Slip ‘n’ Slides.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they’ll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren’t doing stuff, huh?” –David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn’t know where his financial records are because he doesn’t manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he’s the perfect guy to fix the economy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is telling Americans not to ‘read too much’ into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at ‘don’t read too much.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else’s marriage.” –Jimmy Fallon

July 11, 2012

“The White House is now urging Americans not to ‘read too much’ into last week’s jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn’t read it at all.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney told the crowd at an NAACP conference that if he were elected president he would fight for all millionaires, black or white.” –Jay Leno

“At a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney’s economic policies were ‘George Bush on steroids’ – as opposed to Obama’s policies, which are ‘Jimmy Carter on Ambien.'” –Jay Leno

“In Mexico, the loser of their presidential election is accusing the winner of election fraud. He says the winner bought millions of votes. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘You can do that?'” –Jay Leno

“The American League was defeated 8-0. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America’s own league is on a losing streak. Mitt Romney will fix the American League and make it competitive again.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney gave a speech at the annual NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don’t know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The event got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and he instinctively locked the doors to his limo.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney isn’t very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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