Sunday Funnies

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April 19, 2012

“That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here’s the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they’re going to have one hell of a going-away party.” –Conan O’Brien

“Reporters are in Colombia digging up anything on the Secret Service prostitution scandal. There was a dispute in the hotel. The escort said they made an agreement the night before to pay her $800, which is a lot for an escort. For that, you could get a Ford Escort.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“After they promised $800, they only gave her $30. That’s what you call a trade deficit.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The escort claims the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Eleven Secret Service agents are being investigated. So far one has been fired, one resigned, one retired, and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 23, 2012

“Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is ‘Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn’t work, Obama’s going to resort to his second proposal, ‘free pizza in my room.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.” –Conan O’Brien

“One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I’m thinking, now wait a minute. I’ve got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars.” –David Letterman

“These are jobs that should’ve gone to American hookers.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he’s no longer attacking the poor because he is one.” –Jay Leno

“They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In conjunction with Earth Day, the Dutch electronics company Philips released a revolutionary new light bulb designed to last 20 years. Do you think when the guy thought of this, a light bulb went off over his head?” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 24, 2012

“It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.” –Jay Leno

“Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn’t want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute.” –Conan O’Brien

“For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming to it. Not because of our economy. Because they’re sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee. They’ve already broken out the non-alcoholic champagne.” –David Letterman

“Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren’t able to get tickets. That includes students, professors, Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Even though the president just got here today, I’ve been here at the University of North Carolina for two days now, and I’ve been having the best time hanging out with the Secret Service. They just know how to party.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said he’s not going to pander to the UNC students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from ‘Yes, we can” to ‘Duke sucks'” –Jimmy Fallon

April 25, 2012

“Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he’s kind of stiff, he’s sort of cold, he’s sort of aloof. And I thought, ‘Well, wait a minute. Let’s look at the bright side of this.’ Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality.” –David Letterman

“In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.” –David Letterman

From David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk”: #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers

“After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. ‘Well, I guess you’re stuck with me.'” –Jay Leno

“Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did ‘Slow Jam the News,’ he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, ‘Dude, don’t you have a country to run?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, ‘I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'” –Conan O’Brien

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