Sunday Funnies

April 12, 2012

“Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview, once again President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. In other words, President Obama’s finally found an issue that can bring this country together.” –Conan O’Brien

“I believe that hardcore social conservatives, liberals, and everyone else is together on this one. I think even Kanye agrees.” –Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he’s unfamiliar with the auto part.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s certainly nothing fun about paying taxes, but you have to remember… all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of the meter maids who give you our parking tickets, and keeping welfare checks going to the Octomom, and important things like that.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life.” –Jay Leno

“Let me tell you something — if you’re the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?” –Jay Leno

“And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, ‘Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that’s my job. She has no right.'” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign. He dropped out after spending a weekend in prayer, and then realizing he didn’t have one, he dropped out.” –Jay Leno

April 13-14, 2012

“It’s that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it’s depressing, but just remember, you’re paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.” –Bill Maher

“Now the North Koreans say they are going to test a nuclear weapon. To which I say please do. Talk about a problem taking care of itself.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum on Tuesday announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama on Wednesday gave a speech surrounded by a group of millionaires and their secretaries calling for Congress to pass the Buffet Rule and raise taxes on the rich. Confusing many who thought the Buffet Rule was ‘only sing along with chorus.'” –Seth Meyers

“Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.” –Jay Leno

“In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.” –Jay Leno

April 16, 2012

“Did you hear how they caught those Secret Service agents with prostitutes in Colombia? Apparently the men were walking around wearing nothing but their sunglasses and those earpieces.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama.” –Conan O’Brien

“A British historical society declared that Britain’s greatest foe of all time was George Washington, our George Washington. Coming in second place was Adolf Hitler and third place went to Madonna’s accent.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Democrats accuse the Republicans of launching a war on women. Then the Republicans accuse the Democrats of the same thing. At this point, who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds?” –Stephen Colbert

“President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.” –Craig Ferguson

“At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you’re named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 17, 2012

“This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.” –Craig Ferguson

“According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the president made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president.” –Craig Ferguson

“In case you’re wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t mind paying taxes. But what I don’t get: When we send in our return, why do we have to put stamps on the envelope? Can’t they give us a pass on that?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 18, 2012

“President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He’s creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts “just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Secret Service prostitution scandal has gotten worse because apparently agents were also snorting cocaine. However, in the agents’ defense, the Colombian hotels offer cocaine in the mini bar.” –Conan O’Brien

“Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah’s Ark.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“This is not something that someone dug up on him. This was in a book the president wrote himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book and said he ate dog, we would know about it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Between Romney and Obama, it is a frightening time to be a dog in this country. But the best time ever to be a cat.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The deadline to file your tax returns was last night at midnight. If you forget, don’t worry. The IRS never checks.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Google, I am shocked. You stole people’s personal information without their permission? That is Facebook’s job!” –Jon Stewart

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