Sunday Funnies

Feb. 9, 2012

“Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can’t buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.” –Jay Leno

“Romney’s campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” –Jay Leno

“But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder’s permit.” –Jay Leno

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn’t believe in evolution.” –Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he’s too affluent. Romney was talking about his father’s humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I’ll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word ‘iPad’ is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 10, 2012

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.” –Bill Maher

“Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.” –Bill Maher

“The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney.” –Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon’s new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm’s way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” –Seth Meyers

“On Tuesday President Barack Obama called New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him on his Super Bowl victory. He tried to call the Patriots too, but the call was dropped.” –Seth Meyers

“One time Lady Gaga showed up (at the Grammys) wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum is being criticized for saying women might not be suited for military combat because of their emotions. Yeah, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That comment is unacceptable — also, what are emotions?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney may be qualified to be president.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said a woman shouldn’t have to decide between birth control and buying food. How many guys would make this deal? You buy the birth control and we’ll spring for dinner. That seems fair.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow we will find out the results of the Maine caucus. This is a tough choice for Maine voters – do they go with the guy who is intolerant of gays and premarital sex, or the guy who is really intolerant of gays and premarital sex? It’s quite a choice…” –Jay Leno

“Have you noticed Romney doesn’t even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck.” –Jay Leno

“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, ‘Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can’t trust him, but you, you people…'” Jay Leno

Feb. 13, 2012

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has compromised with the Catholic Church on this whole birth-control issue. The White House’s new position? Just have sex and pray for the best.” –Jay Leno

Feb. 14, 2012

“Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.” –David Letterman

“Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine’s Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” –David letterman

“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he’s against same-marriage sex.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” –Conan O’Brien

“Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama urged men to ‘go big’ for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China’s money can buy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You know a really sad thing about Valentine’s Day? Some people can’t have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That’s what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.” –Jay Leno

Feb. 15, 2012

“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” –David Letterman

“They’re saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there’s a word that best describes Rick, it’s ‘swinging.’” –David Letterman

“I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, ‘For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.’” –David Letterman

“They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich visited the San Diego Zoo yesterday and had fun with a panda. It was amazing. Here you have this massive creature that’s nearly extinct, and then of course there was the panda.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barack Obama, come on down!” –Conan O’Brien

“A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was here in Hollywood today. I’m willing to give money to the Obama campaign as long as when they leave Hollywood, they load all of the ‘American Idol’ karaoke singers onto Air Force One and take them with him.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” –Jay Leno

“Earlier this week, President Obama unveiled his new $3.8 trillion budget. $3.8 trillion – that’s more money than Mitt Romney makes in a week.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney and his wife wanted to spend a nice quiet Valentine’s night just by themselves. So they went to one of Mitt’s campaign rallies.” –Jay Leno

Feb. 16, 2012

“There are 8 million dead people who are still registered to vote. As a matter of fact, they’re the group that’s most passionate about Mitt Romney.” –Conan O’Brien

“China’s vice president was in Los Angeles today. When he got off the plane, he apologized for his problem with the language. Apparently, his interpreter doesn’t speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is sinking in the polls. That is the magic of a Donald Trump endorsement right there.” –David Letterman

“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I’m going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman

“Candidates must have a slogan. Ron Paul’s slogan is ‘Fear the Poligrip.’” –David Letterman

“Kim Jong Il would have been 70 years old today if he hadn’t died a couple of months ago. But don’t worry. Osama bin Laden threw him a surprise party in hell.” –David Letterman

“Iran and its nukes. They’ve got the rods all ready to go into the reactor. They’re waiting on the installer. He’s supposed to come out Friday between 10 and 2.” –David Letterman

“President Obama’s approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s how he stacks up against others. Obama is at 50 percent positive. Mitt Romney is at 42 percent positive. Ice cream is ahead of both of them at 97 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum’s approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“CNN is letting viewers ask the candidates questions at its next Republican debate. It’ll be awkward when they’re like, ‘This question’s from Mark in Texas.’ Mark asks: ‘What else is on?’” –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions on the Application to Become a Mitt Romney Look-Alike”

10. Do you look like Mitt Romney?
9. Does Mitt Romney look like you?
8. True or False: You look like Mitt Romney
7. Do you not look like someone who doesn’t look like Mitt Romney?
6. If you wore a sombrero, would you look like Mitt Romney wearing a sombrero?
5. What do you feel is your main qualification, other than a strong resemblance to Mitt Romney?
4. During sex, does your wife ever yell out “Mitt Romney!”?
3. Do you know any fat, doughy guys who look like Newt Gingrich?
2. Can you smile while driving with a dog strapped to the roof of your car?
1. Do you mind being unemployed after November?

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