Sunday Funnies

Feb. 2, 2012

‎”Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He’s an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, ‘a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'” –Stephen Colbert

‎”To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.” –Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“The next caucus is this Saturday in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It’s got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul’s campaign; it’s got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it’s got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That’s just to protect him from the poor.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Romney is the only guy who says, ‘You’re fired!’ more than Donald Trump. Did you know that?” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s restaurant to show that he’s a normal American… just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn’t spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d’.” –Jay Leno

“Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.” –Jay Leno

“There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.” –Jay Leno

“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump’s head endorsed Gingrich.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.” –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.” –David Letterman

“Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.” –David Letterman

“Romney was endorsed by Donald Trump. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing.” –David Letterman

“Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Feb. 3-4, 2012

“It is Mormon in America again. What a week Mitt Romney had. He won Florida. It looks like he’s on the way to the nomination. If only he could stop talking.” –Bill Maher

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” –Bill Maher

“He complained of course that the liberal media made him sound like he was an out-of-touch rich dick. His point of view was. ‘You wouldn’t treat Obama this way. I’ll bet you $10,000 you wouldn’t treat Obama this way.’” –Bill Maher

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore…but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” –Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” –Seth Meyers

“Romney won the Florida primary with 47 percent of the vote. Or as it’s known in Florida schools, a B minus.” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” –Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno

“Sad news for Mitt Romney. He drove out of Florida with a live gator strapped to the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

Feb. 6, 2012

“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” –Jay Leno

“One of the most talked about commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion.” –Jay Leno

“Here’s a very bizarre story that was online; a woman in England was born… she’s 25 now and very attractive… the women was born with two vaginas. Two vaginas! See, this is the woman who should marry Newt Gingrich! Then he could have a wife and an open marriage at the same time.” –Jay Leno

“After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House.” –Jimmy Fallon

Feb. 7, 2012

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don’t you ban those? Those do more damage…” –Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It’s always the voters who get screwed – right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“Romney is so confident that he’s getting cocky. He’s already putting the dog on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn’t really care about poor people. Now he’s backtracking, and he’s saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welke.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” –Conan O’Brien

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don’t Want”

10. Dopey
9. Gasbag
8. One-Termer
7. Hasselhoff
6. Italian Cruise Ship Captain
5. German Grandmother
4. Dubya
3. Load
2. Not My Problem
1. Osama

Feb. 8, 2012

“Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.” –David Letterman

“It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.” –David Letterman

“People on the inside tell me that the first thing Romney’s going to do if he’s elected president is he’s going to outlaw casual Friday.” –David Letterman

“Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.” –David Letterman

“Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said ‘$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.'” –Conan O’Brien

“A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies.” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.” –Jay Leno

“Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” –Jay Leno

“Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Source