Sunday Funnies

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Aug. 22-26, 2011

“President Obama’s popularity is slipping while he’s on vacation. When he went for a walk on the beach, the tide went out.” –David Letterman

“Our thoughts go out to everyone on the East Coast waiting for Hurricane Irene. In Washington, D.C., thousands of people have been left without power. They’re called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney says that when people in Washington read his new book, ‘heads will be exploding.’ When Cheney says heads will be exploding, he means it.” –Craig Ferguson

“Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?” –David Letterman

Aug. 29, 2011

“Dick ‘Kaboom’ Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn’t change anything. He feels strongly about this. He’d still invade the wrong country.” –David Letterman

“Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn’t have one of those?” –David Letterman

“Hurricane Irene wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too.” –Jay Leno

“Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.” –Jay Leno

“They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.” –Jay Leno

“New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned.” –Jay Leno

“The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney’s positions – but to be fair, so has Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President’s children, he said, ‘What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'” –Jay Leno

“Happy Birthday to John McCain, who turned 75 years old today! A lot has changed since he was born. Back then a dollar was worth 20 cents. Today, it’s not worth nearly that much.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote ‘heads exploding’ in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you’re on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the ’20s. On Friday the world’s oldest woman celebrated her 115th birthday in Georgia. John McCain said, ‘Irene!?'” –Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 30, 2011

“Dick Cheney’s new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.” –Jay Leno

“This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted.” –Jay Leno

“Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time.” –Jay Leno

“The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it’s the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney’s new memoir will be a best seller. I think it’s published by ‘Simon & Shooter.'” –David Letterman

Aug. 31, 2011

“President Obama’s uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president’s life was Joe Biden?” –Jay Leno

“How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.” –Jay Leno

“I read Dick Cheney’s book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section.” –Jay Leno

“The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi’s weapons don’t fall into the wrong hands. Weren’t they already in the wrong hands?” –David Letterman

“The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It’s only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call.” –Jimmy Fallon

Source

~~~

Two guys and a public union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War…could you help me?”

“Of course, my son,” Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, “DON’T TOUCH ME! I’m on long-term disability!”




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Well, they’re going to town on ole Muammar… you knew that was coming

Reaganite’s Sunday Funnies

Enjoy your holiday w/e, sir

This blog post is super juicy. It looks like they are going to start fighting back. It’s about time somebody took on these counter-productive ignoramuses!

http://mittromneycentral.com/2011/09/04/misguided-freedomworks-protests-romneys-tea-party-appearance/

If FreedomWorks gets their way, President Obama is going to get re-elected… Can’t we all just allow the candidates speak and let people decide for themselves!