Sunday Funnies

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Aug. 11, 2011

“Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I’m sure 911 operators can’t wait to get texts that say, ‘Being carjacked, LOL.'” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China’s money.” –Jimmy Fallon

“After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.” –Jimmy Fallon

“During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She’s not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she’s going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington.” –Jon Stewart

“Corporations are people. It’s time to remake ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner’ where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won’t want to see his daughter drilled.” –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney’s declaration that “corporations are people”

“Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They’re like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”We need God’s forgiveness — or at least China’s.” –Stephen Colbert

“Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America ‘a renewed sense of urgency.’ A renewed sense of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation. Can we get their asses back here?” –Jay Leno

“Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You’d think their credit would be better, but it’s not. You know why? Look who owes them all the money. They know we don’t have it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he’s being modest. He deserves a little credit.” –Jay Leno

“Finally some good news: the price of gas is going down. They say it could soon be under three dollars a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. It’s the trifecta of the recession!” –Jay Leno

“The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.” –Jay Leno

“According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It’s true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven’t heard in years: English.” –Jay Leno

Aug. 12, 2011

“Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.” –Jay Leno

“The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn’t watch.” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race.” –Jay Leno

“It’s the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there’s no guarantee that there will be a 77th.” –Jay Leno

“General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: ‘Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'” –Jay Leno

“A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, ‘Wanna bet?'” –Jimmy Fallon

“The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text ‘Burglar! Please hurry!,’ and it auto-corrects to ‘Burger, please. Hungry.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Aug. 15, 2011

“Tim Pawlenty announced that he’s dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don’t know who he is.” –Conan O’Brien

“Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.” –Conan O’Brien

“The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.” –Conan O’Brien

“Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, ‘Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for ‘Jersey Shore’ are at an all-time high.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.” –Stephen Colbert

“In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.” –Stephen Colbert

“Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.” –Stephen Colbert

“He’s not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!” –Jon Stewart

“If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'” –Jon Stewart

“How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?” –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul’s second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll

Aug. 16, 2011

“Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, ‘I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.’ In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it’s actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, ‘My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, ‘I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he’s ‘not dead yet.’ Then he was invited on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ and he said, ‘OK, now I’m dead.'” –Conan O’Brien

“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is calling Obama’s bus tour the ‘Magical Misery Tour,’ which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hair Club for Men.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new slogan is: ‘I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'” –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry’s remark that Americans should want a president who’s “in love” with America: “You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America’s hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm’s cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can’t, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*c* the s**t out of America.”

Aug. 17, 2011

“President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China.USA! USA!” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.” –Conan O’Brien

“Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she’ll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.” –Conan O’Brien

“Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun.” –Stephen Colbert

‎”Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he’s already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.” — Stephen Colbert

‎”There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.” — Stephen Colbert

“It’s never enough for the media. They’re like children: ‘Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?’ ‘I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'” –Jon Stewart

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