Easter Sunday Funnies

April 14, 2011

“President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah’s last shows. He’s hoping it’s the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.” –Conan O’Brien

“Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.” –Conan O’Brien

“Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.” –Jay Leno

“The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?” –Jay Leno

“Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah’s show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump’s hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump says he has never been more serious about running for president and that this is not a publicity stunt — but make sure to watch the announcement on the season finale of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A high-ranking official at the FAA had to resign because air traffic controllers are falling asleep. I think FAA stands for ‘fell asleep again.'” –Craig Ferguson

April 15, 2011

“Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood ‘the Lenscrafters of abortion.’ Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her ‘the Costco of crazy.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, ‘Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.'” –David Letterman

“Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.” –David Letterman

“Today federal agents discovered another sleeper cell. Not terrorists, air traffic controllers. A controller in Reno fell asleep while a medical plane carrying a sick passenger was trying to land. Ironically, do you know what the patient was suffering from? Insomnia.” –Jay Leno

“Pakistan says they are slowing down their hunt for bin Laden. Slowing it down? What is it, 10 years now? Could you go any slower?” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama recently presented a powerful speech detailing his 2012 budget. And he kept the audience, including Vice President Joe Biden, on the edge of their consciousness.” –Stephen Colbert

“A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we’re all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage.” –Craig Ferguson

April 18, 2011

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew ‘The Apprentice.’ So some good may come out of this.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, ‘Ah, so he is a Muslim.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.” –Conan O’Brien

“To celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses.” –Craig Ferguson

“The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that Uncle Sam isn’t going to let banks screw people over.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, ‘Be sure to watch ‘Celebrity Apprentice.”” –Craig Ferguson

“Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One’s full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry.” –Craig Ferguson

“The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I’m talking to you, Willie Nelson.” –Craig Ferguson

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone’s home. He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where’s he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That’s for pith, not for anything else. So now ‘going postal’ means a whole new thing, I guess.” –Jimmy Kimmel

April 19, 2011

“Donald Trump said he’d release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn’t want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Well, not anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s Bar Mitzvah certificate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump accused George Stephanopoulos of being co-opted by Obama’s minions. Anyone who knows Stephanopoulos knows he’s minion-proof – and lactose intolerant.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there’s something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said if President Obama releases his birth certificate, he will release his tax returns. The President said, ‘Well, I promise not to run for a second term if you release that thing on your head.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Gary Busey said on the ‘Today Show’ yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.” –Conan O’Brien

“The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn’t get to sleep.” –Conan O’Brien

April 20, 2011

“Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama’s American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.” –Conan O’Brien

“It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan ‘a con man who couldn’t deliver the goods.’ Trump also called Abraham Lincoln ‘a bearded moron who couldn’t even sit through an hour of theater.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels look forward to starting an offensive with Super Soakers and t-shirt canons.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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