Sunday Funnies

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April 7, 2011

“If the government shuts down, all non-essential workers will stop coming to work. Here’s my question: Why do we even have non-essential workers?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump said he can’t make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump said he can’t run because he has the #1 show on NBC. Which is kind of like having the nicest house in Haiti.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in ‘Back to the Future 2,’ when Biff was in charge.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, ‘Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that families with two daughters are the happiest. Unless, of course, their dad currently has a 42 percent approval rating.” –Jimmy Fallon [Wordsmith note: This, of course, could have applied to the Bush twins]

“It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can’t do, teach.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like.” –Jay Leno

“One of President Obama’s oldest friends has just been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. You can tell he’s a friend of Obama’s. Although he hired the prostitute, his grandchildren are going to have to pay for it.” –Jay Leno

“If the government shuts down, 800,000 federal workers could get a call saying they’re ‘non-essential.’ Wouldn’t it be weird if 800,000 people got the same call that I get from my dad every day?” –Conan O’Brien

“If there’s a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected.” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House confirmed that President Obama got a letter from Moammar Gadhafi. They wouldn’t confirm the contents of the letter, but it did end with the question, ‘Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Toyota says they’re going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn’t get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson


April 8, 2011

“Republicans are obsessed with abortion. If they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn’t they protect the Democrats?” –Bill Maher

“Today President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes, We Can’ to ‘Have It Your Way.'” –Bill Maher, on Democrats capitulating to Republican budget demands

April 11, 2011

“I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal … to screw each other.” –David Letterman

“President Obama says he misses being anonymous. You know, back when he could blend in with the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, ‘Because ‘Glee’ will be in reruns.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before.” –Jay Leno

“Gas has gone up 20 cents just this week. Shouldn’t we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?” –Jay Leno

“Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president.” –Jay Leno

April 12, 2011

“It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.” –Conan O’Brien

“The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. That seems a little high.” –David Letterman

“Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That’s not the Donald Trump I know.” –David Letterman

“Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump said, ‘I am Obama’s worst nightmare.’ Really? Worse than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom in a string bikini?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, “I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market…” Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!” –Jay Leno

“In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said “I believe in god.” But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself.” –Jay Leno

“Economists say sharp increases in energy and food prices could lead to higher inflation. But prices are falling on a lot of items, like Charlie Sheen tickets.” –Jay Leno

“It looks like Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he’s forming an exploratory committee. Doesn’t that sound like something every man should have after 50?” –Jay Leno

“The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, ‘That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.'” –Jay Leno

April 13, 2011

“President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country’s richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.” –Jay Leno

“Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama’s speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller.” –Jay Leno

“Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama’s speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth.” –Jay Leno

“Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you’re a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn’t want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show.” –Jay Leno

“Political experts are saying NBC should take ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says ‘leader of the free world’ like someone who can’t stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey.” –Conan O’Brien

“A meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has been canceled. No word yet on how this will affect the meeting between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah.” –Conan O’Brien

“‘Hustler’ publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.'” –David Letterman

“A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers.” –David Letterman

“Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: ‘Vote for me, I’m not Trump.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Great group once again Wordsmith. From another source on “Government Shutdown”, this one demonstrates the Commander-in-Chief (NOT). All patriotic Americans should carry this as a memory image leading up to and including the 2012 elections.

http://www.artwanted.com/imageview.cfm?id=1051573

Right on Wordsmith

105 toons (!) -you’re the king, lol

Here’s my dirty dozen fwiw

Reaganite’s Sunday Funnies

Enjoy your weekend, sir-

Umm…yeah, why do we have nonessential workers in our government???? Enquiring minds want to know!

@Robin:

Umm…yeah, why do we have nonessential workers in our government???? Enquiring minds want to know!

That would be democrat code for unregistered voters.