Sunday Funnies

March 17-18, 2011

“A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school’s new education plan, ‘No Child Left . . .'” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America.” –Jay Leno

“Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It’s Levi Johnston.” –Jay Leno

“They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a ‘trickle.'” –Jay Leno

March 21, 2011

“Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars.” –Jay Leno

“Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they’ll try it here.” –Jay Leno

“A miniscule amount of radiation from Japan reached L.A. People panicked and ran out and bought gas masks and radiation suits. Then they went to the tanning salon.” –Jay Leno

March 22, 2011

“According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can’t say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we’re fighting the Libya war.” –Jay Leno

“A South Carolina legislator introduced a bill to make it illegal for prisoners to use Facebook. They’re supposed to be doing time, not wasting it.” –Jay Leno

“A problem for our military in Libya is that they can’t tell the rebels from Gadhafi’s military. The U.N. has now declared that the war be fought as ‘shirts vs. skins.'” –Conan O’Brien

“California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they’re just being paranoid.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn’t good enough for him anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‘President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President’s wife. I’m not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven’t been any games in a few days. It’s been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That’s basically admitting you’re evil.” –Jimmy Fallon

‎”Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…” –Lewis Black

“We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a ‘theater’ of war but this is a multiplex.” –David Letterman

March 23, 2011

“Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in ‘Spider-Man: the Musical.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they’ve never been used before.” –Jay Leno

“Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don’t want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down.” –Jay Leno

“We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.” –Conan O’Brien

“The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is ‘Odyssey Dawn.’ It’s the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn.” –Conan O’Brien

“When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, ‘I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.’ So now we’re at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist.” –Conan O’Brien

“On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the ‘National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump says he will run for president. He’ll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.” –David Letterman

“Trump says that if he’s elected, he won’t let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.” –David Letterman

“How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.” –David Letterman

“President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi’s name. He’s like the Hanukkah of dictators.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn’t care about Libya, you’re wrong. He cares three hours worth.” –Jimmy Fallon

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman