Sunday Funnies

Feb. 23, 2011

“Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies.” –Jay Leno

“The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a ‘don’t overthrow me’ package.” –Jay Leno

“All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, ‘Now there’s a coincidence.'” –Craig Ferguson

“Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He’s the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it.” –Craig Ferguson

“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Gadhafi has gone too far. That’s like an Australian bartender telling you that you’ve had too much to drink.” –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 22, 2011

“In order to acknowledge gay members Facebook added two new relationship options: ‘In a civil union’ and ‘In a domestic partnership.’ Then, to make sure they didn’t miss anyone, they added ‘One time in college.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The National Geographic channel has a new show that gives an inside look at the Secret Service. That’s right, it’s called ‘Ruining the Whole Point of the Secret Service.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need.” –Jay Leno

“Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since — kind of like Keith Olbermann.” –Jay Leno

“Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, ‘Deal.'” –Jay Leno

“The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers.” –Jay Leno

“In honor of the revolution a couple in Egypt have named their newborn daughter Facebook. Hope they don’t start ignoring their son MySpace. It’s going to cause a lot of problems when that girl turns 16 and all the boys want to be on Facebook.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It’s Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out.” –Craig Ferguson

“If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he’ll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn’t want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics.” –Craig Ferguson

“It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn’t get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Biden.” –Craig Ferguson

Feb. 21, 2011

“Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it’s being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yemen’s president says that despite protests, he won’t leave office. His exact words were, ‘The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s.” –Conan O’Brien

“They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt.” –David Letterman

“There’s a real threat to tyrants who have used brutal tactics to seize power. The one who should really be worried is Leno.” –David Letterman

“If Gov. Scott Walker is driven out of power in Wisconsin, there will be a power vacuum that may be filled by the Muslim Brotherhood.” –David Letterman

“Happy Presidents Day. This is a day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses.” –Craig Ferguson

“I’m glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn’t we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait.” –Craig Ferguson

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